when weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth meet a hormonal pregnant woman.

that is IT.  


IT!


i was waiting to write about the woes of this pregnancy when the black cloud of plague had finally parted and moved away from our house, but it seems like that is never going to happen.


never.


so i'm just going to write, and write honestly.  it may sound like complaining, and it probably is.  but i just don't care anymore.  if anything, this a reminder to myself when i am no longer pregnant what actually happens to me when i am, so that i will be well aware next time of what i am getting into.  you know, in case the next one is planned and all of that.


i am laying next to a sleeping-in-between-violently-vomiting-caleb, and listening to leah cough into the baby monitor, and i am propped up sitting in my new sleeping position so that i can breathe between my own coughing attacks.


here is the thing about this pregnancy.


i had the normal everyday-24-hour-nonstop nausea that started at week 2 {i'm not exaggerating here, that was how i knew so quickly to take the test} and went until almost 4 months along.  but i endured it, hoping for that soon to be rush of feeling better and having more energy.


into the second trimester, the migraines started.  knock on wood, i can actually say that those have calmed down. 


at 20 weeks i suddenly felt like i was punched in the nether-regions so severely that it was painful to put on a pair of pants, roll over in bed, not to mention actually walk.  that feeling has not subsided, and there is nothing so far that i have found that can ease the pain.  i thought i was going crazy until i sent a facebook message out to my recently pregnant friends, asking if any of them have experienced the same thing.  and was relievedslashdisappointed to find out that it is, in fact normal.  not for everyone, only for us lucky ones.


this is separate, by the way, from the sharp, jabbing pain {aka round ligament pain} on both sides of my abdomen that i get every time i roll over or get up too quickly.  not the same thing, or even close.  that is a fleeting pain, like a charley horse.  this nether-regions pain is constant.


at 22 weeks i had what i can only imagine was a pelvic bone pop out of joint for an entire day, leaving me bent over, unable to even stand up straight.  that day i had to call ben crying, asking for him to please come home early because i couldn't even imagine picking up leah to put her in the tub & pull her back out, let alone walk up the stairs to get to the bathtub.  my fear was that it would continue, and i was going to have to call in for extra help.  luckily, at about 2am that night, i sllllooowwwllyyy rolled over in bed and cried out in pain as something in my lower abdomen/upper left thigh made a loud POP! and i immediately felt relief.  


but let's just try to chalk all of these things up to the woes of pregnancy, shall we?  


that's fine, i can deal with it.


what i can't deal with, and had a somewhat emotional breakdown last week over....is that i have these things going on combined with what has felt like continual sickness between caleb, leah and myself since, oh....october?  november?  


two sinus infections, strep throat, the stomach flu twice, on top of just the "normal" flu and colds multiple times.  round and round and round we go.  i was so excited during spring break that we were actually healthy and the thought crossed my mind that we were through the worst of it.  then the weekend came, and it looks like we still aren't, and with this new barfing caleb i am doing all i can to muster up positive thoughts that the rest of us will avoid this one.  because honestly, i'm still recovering from my last one that started two weeks ago!


it's interesting for this self-proclaimed germaphobe to now have the tables turned.


when now, we are are the germ.


i have done more laundry in these few months than i have in my entire lifetime combined, i'm sure.  i keep changing sheets, pillowcases, washing blankets and stuffed animals and towels.  i have sanitized everything.  i wash our toothbrushes in the dishwasher. i vacuum and dust, and lysol wipe it all down.  bathe the kids every day. it's never ending.


so yes, i had an emotional breakdown.  last thursday to be exact.  after coming home from my doctor's appointment, discouraged that i had another sinus infection, that it hurt just to walk, that both of my kids were sick, and that i felt like i hadn't really enjoyed this pregnancy....that is the truth.  not really, not for one minute.  


i had called ben who was watching leah during my appointment, to tell him that the baby was confirmed a girl, and he said on the other line, "oh, that's great.  congratulations."  not in a mean way, but in a somewhat distant way.  and i became really sad, because i knew the tone in his voice echoed exactly my own feelings.  i have been distant from pretty much any joy i am supposed to be feeling right now, because the only thing i have been feeling for the past few months is,


push, push, push.


i push myself to do just the daily household responsibilities.  i push myself to do anything more than that like deep clean.  i push myself to wake up to take caleb to school in the morning.  i push myself to fulfill my church calling....which should be a relatively simple one, yet in true karma fashion, we are constantly getting sick either the day before or the day of that 11-15 girls are supposed to show up to my house for an activity.  i push myself to do anything fun with my friends, i push myself to put make-up on.  i push myself to go on a vacation, and while i'm on that vacation, i push myself to do anything but sleep.


not only have i pushed myself physically when i haven't felt well, but i think the real straw that broke the camel's back is that i've pushed myself emotionally.  i have been worried about caleb, and about his legs, but i haven't really let myself go there yet.  because we've just been coping with so many other things, i have not dealt with and really let myself feel the worry.  a couple of times i have talked about my concerns, and that i'm anxious about the upcoming tests.  but mostly i've just pushed through.  


i'm also anxious about this upcoming baby....i always get anxious about newborns.  probably because my first experience with one was traumatic and my second experience with one was just exhausting.  those 10 hour crying bouts took their toll as well.  i'm usually the one pregnant girl who doesn't want the baby to come early, no matter how uncomfortable i am.  so knowing that the months are creeping by and i'm getting closer to "go time" without really working through or dealing with my anxiety about it is also taking its toll.


for 90% of the week, i am on my own in this.  ben is gone almost every week day by 6:30 am, and not home until somewhere around 9:30 or 10 pm.  he used to have fridays clear, which was so fantastic.  but lately his homework has been piling on, so he has been gone most fridays to meet with professors or to do hours worth of homework.  saturdays are our only day to work on the yard, and try to help me get caught up, and to spend a little time together.  on sundays he has a church calling, so even if i do feel well enough to go, i am usually home with one of our sick kids and have to go to the 1:00 sacrament meeting by myself.


so thursday, i rushed home from the doctor so that ben could leave for class, and walked in the door feeling completely deflated and discouraged.  


and started to cry.


"iamjustsosickofbeingsickandtiredandourkidsbeingsosickandtired!" i blubbered with tears streaming down my face.


and ben, who is so good to me, gave me a big hug and told me how sorry he was.  


i knew that he is just as overwhelmed in his situation as i am in mine.  i know he feels alone with the weight of his schoolwork and providing and helping, just as alone as i feel in my position.  we are both being pushed to the brink again.


and the problem is, when people have offered to help, i don't know how to take them up on it.  sure, want to me to send over my vomiting child to play with yours?  can you help pop my pelvic bone back into place?  can you put some mascara on for me?


so instead, i isolate.  


which i know isn't healthy, i just don't know what to even ask for, when asking for help.  so i just don't.  


except on facebook, which i am absolutely certain my friends are seriously sick and tired of me venting about our million diseases and how sick of it i am.  i'm grateful for their support though, and even though i feel like a total whiner, it helps just to have someone say that they're sorry for what we're going through, or that they've been there & it will get better.


i'd like to say that once the tears with ben were through, that i felt better.  but holy cow, thursday was an emotional roller coaster for me.  


i completely fell apart in my therapy group, so much so that when i could feel it coming, i almost got up and left just because i knew it was going to get ugly.  and i think i should have listened to that instinct, because i have never cried so hard in front of a crowd before.  you know when you can't even get words out because your throat is so tight?  and then when words come out, they squeak out instead of sound normal?   and when i was actually getting the words out i felt like such a big, enormous baby.  


i'm sobbing over being sick so much?  really?


the girls were all really nice, and didn't treat me like i was a wuss.  and have been really kind and concerned since then, but it's just so hard for me to get all vulnerable that way with people.  i have had support.  andrea has been such a good friend, and so great to listen to me complain, and to show up with a treat at just the right time.  and there are friends in the ward who have reached out, and i know i need to let someone help.  like i said though, i just don't know what to ask for.


sigh, sigh, sigh.


this writing is good, it definitely helps.  it helps me to put things into perspective.


life is not unbearable right now.  but i'm also going to let myself say that it has been hard.  i've been through harder things, but that doesn't mean that this isn't hard on me.  


i have been taking care of caleb in between writing this.  my poor little guy.  it's so hard to not be able to take this from him.  the way things have been going though, i'm sure i will get my turn.  okay, that's cynical.  honest, but cynical.  


i'm going to go and cough up a lung and then get as much rest as i can now, since caleb is finally sleeping.  


and as soon as this black cloud has parted, you will see the most positive post ever from me.  


i know i should edit this, a re-read it before i post it, because i may regret it in the morning.  but i'm totally not going to.








thanks for letting me vent.








and p.s.?  i just emailed our landlords with a request for a mold inspector to come out here.  just in case.

lynsey vs. the garbage bags.

ugh.

i've been at our apartment for about 3.5 hours now, cleaning.

i've filled 5 garbage bags so far, mostly of food from the fridge & freezer that i don't care to bring along to the house.  it's kind of nice to start out with a fresh bag of frozen berries instead of a 3/4 used one, you know?

so anyway.

ben is home with the kids, so i'm flying solo on this final cleaning business.

i had been stacking garbage bags outside, and decided once the pile started taking on a mind of its own that maybe i should take them to the dumpster.

thinking i was maybe superwoman, i grabbed two full garbage bags and hefted them up, only to realize that they were both crazy heavy.  but to try to limit my trips back & forth to the dumpster since it's hotter than you know what outside, i decided to drag them both.  saving not only a round trip, but also my back.

i am so smart.

except.

i'm really not.

because i had filled these babies to the brim with pickle jars, mayo jars, ketchup and teriyaki sauce bottles.  so as i made my way over to the dumpster, unbeknownst to little ol' me, one of the bottoms of the bags split open.  i was feeling like i was such a tough piece of work until i finally realized as i reached the dumpster that i had been littering the parking lot with random glass jars.

i wanted to curse.

but, i didn't.

the bag that had split open was heavy, but luckily i was able to grab the bottom and arch it over the side without dropping anything else.  i then walked around the parking lot, picking up the remains of what i had littered.

and went back for another round.

this time, i tried to carry the next bag, thinking that me dragging the last one on the ground was what had weakened the so-called "hefty" plastic & splitting it.  but unfortunately, the powers that be were really out to humiliate a short, sweating & frustrated girl such as myself today.  

the bag split apart about halfway to the dumpster, again dropping random nasty food all over the parking lot.  i caught on quickly this time, but couldn't stop in the middle of the street because there were some oncoming cars.  so i tried over and over again to grip the bottom of the bag and lift it up with the top.  

unfortunately my technique didn't turn out so well the second time around.  each time that i repeatedly grabbed the bottom of the bag, it continued to shred.  no matter how hard i tried i could not get it to hold together.

so, i did what any girl in my situation would do.

i panicked, and started running.

well the term "running" is used loosely here because i was carrying about 60 lbs of food.  but i sure used all of my efforts to put a good hustle in.  i made it to the dumpster basically carrying the bag in my arms and let out a good, "AAAARGGGHH!" as i threw it over.  i felt like i was channeling either venus or serena williams when they smack that tennis ball as hard as they can during a serve.

and then spent the next 5 minutes again picking up all that had been lost along the way.

as i walked back to the apartment i avoided eye contact with the remaining bags of trash, opened the door and then closed it behind me.

i've got to work up the willpower to finish that job.

anyone wanna come help?

ugh.

we interrupt our regularly scheduled programming....

to write a note
to paul, the concierge at our hotel.




dear paul,

you may think that your poofy hair
makes up for the fact

that we reserved and paid for
a king-sized bed

when instead you informed us
that "someone" made a mistake

and all that you had left was a room
with two double beds.

you also may think that giving us a 50% off coupon for breakfast tomorrow
might make you less of a douche

but

unfortunately for you,
it does not.

and,

your snide comment
made with your condescending eyebrows

when i explained to you that
it was our first night alone in over 5 years

and we probably wouldn't have another night away
for 5 years from now

and that a king-sized bed
is a luxury to us,

your snotty-toned reply was
"just push your beds together then. call it a superbed."

was not appreciated.

however,

we straders know how to make lemonade
out of your lemon-esque rudeness

and decided to take your advice.

so we present to you,

the superbed.



and paul, the adventures that ensued
you can take complete credit for.












thank you for your fabulous idea
though we must admit

that we still don't like you very much.

love,

L&B



p.s. just try that insensitive tone on us again and i will karate chop you like this



right on your poofy-haired head.

{i am taking a pause from the lies that bind us series while we are on a vacation in utah for a week. but rest assured, it will be finished.}

a classic for the holidays....

well, it's that time of year again.
time for being grateful, buying and receiving gifts
and all that comes with holiday cheer.

if you're anything like me,
also included in the festivities is some fabulous family time.
maybe it's the fact that we'll be in arizona for thanksgiving and christmas
and i'm feeling a bit nostalgic.

so i thought i'd post a classic from a couple of years ago.
i still get the chills when i hear it.

not only do i love this song, but the lyrics pretty much sum up
relative get-togethers past, present and future.

it's chock full of family dysfunction at its best.

enjoy.

happy holidays everyone!

the price of freedom, part 2 of 3...

second car, #2:

a.k.a. the "holy shizballs!" night.

when the gremlin was sold for parts, i threw myself a party. let's call it a wake. a celebration of a life (lived poorly, but a life nonetheless), and the fact that it was over. distributed among various people, never to be put back together to torture me for one more second.

i was happy.

nay, elated.

however, at this point in the story we were in the dead of winter (which starts sometime in mid-august and ends the following year at the beginning of july) living in rexburg, idaho. it looked a little like this:



only with much, MUCH more ice.

i consider the temperatures in this small town to be what i imagine the opposite of what hell would feel like. when you would walk outside just to take out the garbage the icy breeze wouldn't just freeze your nose hairs, it was so cold that you actually felt like your nose had completely frozen on your face and had fallen off. there were several times i dropped to my hands and knees in search of my lost nose. only to frantically reach back up to feel for it and hey! it was still there!

basically you would lose all feeling of any uncovered appendage in about 30 seconds flat.

anyone who has lived there can attest to this.

in fact, you could probably spot rexburgians of past and present amid a crowd of strangers because they are most likely sporting some sort of leftover frostbite on the edges of their sniffer. and if you look really closely i bet you can still see ice crystals in their eyebrows.

moving on.

also at this point in the story, ben was teaching seminary out in mud lake, idaho (no, i don't make this stuff up) and left early in the morning while i worked at an eye doctor's office which was about a 10-15 minute walk from where we lived. ben left about 2 hours earlier than i did for work, and got home about 2 hours before me.

now i can guess what you're thinking. can't she just walk to work? and the answer is yes, and i did. many times, in fact. or my lovely friend cindy was kind enough to give me a ride. but aside from the frigid temps and the burning desire to keep my original nose on my face, i was also 4 months pregnant. here's a visual so you don't have to just imagine what i looked like:




i know, i know. pregnancy looks good on me, right? and yes, ben had a different hair cut back in those days. but the rest is the same, thank heavens.

so i ask you.

would you want this beautiful, lithe creature who's with child to have to brave the freezing winds of rexburg and risk tripping on 3 layers of ice on top of ice on top of ice to fall and bruise her amazing backside?

i think not.

the truth is, i was fine with walking to work. by the time i would arrive i couldn't remember who i was or where i was going due to the hypothermia that had set in my brain, but i was happy to do it. but then lady fortune smiled upon me and that same friend (cindy) who would pick me up sometimes decided to upgrade her car. and this was the beaut she was a'partin with:

presenting, second car #2:

1993 honda accord.
color: champagne. condition: mint.

i will call her
"little beauty."

cindy took amazing care of this car and i knew it. so when she had heard of our gremlin circumstance, she offered to sell it to us. we jumped at the chance! we bought it sometime around the beginning of november. we adored little beauty and if you walked down the street by our house you could often overhear us outside whispering sweet nothings to this car and smothering it with slobbery kisses. with our nose muffs on, of course.

i wish i were joking.

cut to the week before christmas. we had some awesome friends who we are still friends with, who needed some help. i can't remember if their car had broken down or if they didn't think it would make the trek to utah...the details are fuzzy. long story short, we let them borrow our first car, (the nissan altima) to take to utah to visit their family. and we took little beauty to utah for our own holiday visit.

we wrapped up all of the christmas presents, packed up the car and set out for what would become a very memorable night.

as we drove we realized the severity of the weather. again, for your visual pleasure it looked a little something like this:



only worse.

i consider ben to be a very safe driver, sometimes to the point that i look at him and say in a snotty tone, "HEY OLD MAN, ARE YOU WANTING TO GIVE YOUR FRIENDS RIDING THEIR JAZZIES A CHANCE TO CATCH UP?"

but lucky for us both, he doesn't give into peer pressure or wives with a tendency to spew snot every once and a while. we slowed to a snail's pace on the freeway and i settled in for a long drive.

there were barely any other cars out on the road with us, and if ever we saw one it was usually because it had slid off and was now blinking hazard lights to alert the masses.

we were going about 55 mph in a 75 mph zone, singing "DASHING THROUGH THE SNOW..." at the top of our lungs when suddenly, we hit a patch of black ice. (the singing was a detail added for dramatic effect. ahem.)

the little beauty spun counter-clockwise and smacked into a metal pole that looked like a mile marker, only on the opposite side of the road. that pole sent little beauty spinning, orbiting around the icy and dark freeway.

our seat belts locked, my hair flew in my face and christmas presents went everywhere.

and this was it, folks.

it was like everything was in slow motion. i let out a high pitched squeal that i know would have sent dogs running to us from all directions if there had been any in sight. and as i squealed, i looked at ben with my eyes open as wide as my mouth.

and all he could do was yell,

"HOLY SHIIIIIZZZZBBAAAALLLSSSSSSS!!!!"

which still makes me laugh thinking about it. i can laugh because we both survived this basically unharmed.

anyway, as our car careened out of control, we spun down into the snow-covered grassy median. the poor little beauty slammed backwards into a guard rail which luckily stopped us from spinning into oncoming traffic going the opposite direction.

we ended up at an almost 90 degree angle, much like this:



only instead of teetering our back wheels on a motor home, we were teetering on a guard rail. (i get it, this accident looks much worse. let's not compare notes, shall we? it's just to give you the ever-needed visual.)

it was one of those surreal moments where for about 30 seconds, we pretty much hyperventilated because we were breathing so hard. then we just looked at each other, with our mouths still open.

both of us thinking,
did this really just happen?

and then ben got out to survey the damage. he grabbed the camera and snapped pictures of me peeking through the windshield, basically upside down. boy do i wish i had a copy of those pictures. but alas, i do not. just think of a glowing angelina...er, me...looking like a deer in the headlights but still a vision of matronly goddessness.

he came back to report that the little beauty was broken, probably never to be repaired. i have to admit i shed a tear or two (darn that left tear duct again!) over our loss.

we called family who came to our rescue. in the meantime we were met with the biggest DB of a police officer.

he actually gave ben a ticket! for what?

improper lane travel.

so i guess we were supposed to signal as we were spinning from lane to lane?

oops, sorry officer douce bag. next time we'll remember that. our bad.

he yelled at our family members for pulling over to help us out, couldn't give a rats patootie that we were freezing in our no-longer-working car, and gave me the stink eye when he heard me spew some more snotty remarks under my breath at his gall and un-christmasy spirit.

though in the big scheme of things, mr. police-grinch-man was a minor detail. as i mentioned beforehand, luckily we were not harmed. and that was most important.

but unfortunately we could not say the same for little beauty. the insurance company deemed her "totalled" and as we removed the remainder of our belongings before she was towed away, we whispered our love for her for the last time.

she was only with us for about 6 weeks, but we still speak often of little beauty. and when she is mentioned, we bow our heads for a moment of silence.

once again, we became a one car family.

coming up.....

second car, #3

"A GENEROUS GIFT BECOMES A WAY
TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF AN AUTO MECHANIC"