the day i thought my son looked at porn and the night my husband tried to save equestria.

ben was given an ipad as a gift a few months ago, and each day i allow both of the older kids 30 minutes each to play games.  well, leah is obsessed with my little ponies, so i found a couple of games for her and downloaded them.  one of them is well above her age level & she doesn't really understand it, but she doesn't care, she's just in it for the ponies.

but in order to go on with the story, you must know just a little about the game.  you're given a couple of ponies to start out, and a couple of houses.  then you're supposed to build a town, grow apples and bread and different things, playing different games, assigning ponies different responsibilities, then collect the money/jewels/rainbows for the things you complete in order to buy more ponies and homes. go forth and prosper and all of that.

well, leah's favorite pony is one called "fluttershy" {even though she calls her "puttershy" and insists that we all call her the same} and apparently she is a pricy pony.  not only do you have to earn like 2600 coins, but you also have to do all of the different jobs you're assigned to get to the 23rd level...and THEN you can buy her.

of course, all leah cares about is puttershy and spends her 30 minutes of precious ipad time searching for puttershy.

enter, caleb:  the control-freak brother.

caleb can't stand that leah doesn't actually play the game.  it tortures him when things aren't done "the right way."  in fact, i'm pretty sure a small piece of him dies inside whenever he has to be around to watch her play....er, wander around searching aimlessly.  i have broken up many arguments between them, because he tries to tell her what to do, and even though he's trying to help her, she immediately retaliates with a screech for him to LEAVE HER ALONE.  then he's yelling that SHE'S NOT DOING IT RIGHT! AND FINE!  HE WILL NEVER EVER EVER HELP HER AGAIN!

it's really fun.

i've actually banned him from being able to watch her, because no matter how many nice conversations i've had with him to let her do it her way, even if he doesn't agree with it, it's not his job to control someone.  but it constantly leads to this argument and makes me want to throw the ipad {or my children} out the door, never to return.

okay, so there's the much-needed information.

last week, leah took her turn of 30 minutes of playing the ipad, and then handed it off to caleb.  caleb was in the front room on the couch, and after his 30 minutes was over, i walked into the room to tell him time was up.

well, apparently i caught him by surprise because he jumped!  and then immediately covered the ipad.

which of couse, made me suspicious.  oh no!  i thought.  my sweet little boy!  he's somehow stumbled on some sort of nasty on the internet {even though he has no idea how to get on the internet, but whatever, logic wasn't sinking in at this point}  that's going to take his innocence and send him down a path of destruction!  {it wasn't really this dramatic, but i was concerned}

i stayed calm though, and said softly, "whatcha doin buddy?"

he became obviously more nervous.  "nothing!  nothing!"  the pitch of his voice was rising, and panic had set into his eyes.  "no!  i don't wanna tell you!  i'm so embarrassed!  please don't look!"

so now, i started to really worry.  and may or may not have used the words "path of destruction" in my head for reals this time.

but continuing to stay calm, i said, "look buddy, i trust you.  you are a good boy, and it's okay to make mistakes.  if you found something that probably wasn't great to find, it's okay.  i love you and can help you, and you know the rule in our house--that the best thing is to be honest.  but i want you to do that in your own time.  if you're not ready yet, it's okay.  just know i am here and am willing to talk to you about anything, and i won't be angry with you.  okay?"

he sighed a big sigh.

"okaaaaayyyy, i'll show you," he said reluctantly.  "but just promise not to tell anyone, okay?"

"you know dad and i don't have secrets unless they're good ones like surprises, but i won't tell anyone else.  deal?"

he nodded his head as he slowly handed me the ipad.  i braced myself for what i was going to see.  a scantily clad woman?  an orgy?  or worse??

i sat down next to him and opened it.  caleb covered his face with a pillow from the couch.

and there

on the ipad

was the my little pony game.

i laughed, and may or may not have also snorted.  then tried to compose myself as caleb said with a muffled voice, from behind the pillow,

"IT'S NOT FUNNY!"

"oh, you're right buddy.  it just took me off guard.  but what were you doing playing this game?"

he uncovered his face.  "well, leah doesn't play it right!  and just complains that she wants fluttershy {he refuses to call it "puttershy"} but she never DOES anything to get her!  so i was just trying to get her some coins and things to help her so she will STOP ASKING FOR HER!"

and even though i knew it was really just his controlling self wanting to control the game in a way that he could without her yelling at him and getting into trouble over fighting, i tried to twist it to a positive thing.

i gave him a hug, and said, "what an awesome brother you are!  helping your sister!  i'm so proud of you, buddy.  and she is really going to appreciate this, and when puttershy does finally show up, we can tell her that you helped her, even if she doesn't really understand how."

"it's FLU-TT-ER-SHY, mom."

"i know, bud.  thank you for being honest, i'm proud of you."

so, that happened.  and even though i was prepared for it, i breathed a big sigh of relief that today was not the day i had to go through the conversation with my son i had prepared myself for.

enter,  ben:  an ipad game addict with a good heart

last night, i remembered the incident and told ben about it and we were both laughing.  i asked ben if he could help out both of them, and look at the game to see if he could figure out a way to hurry along the process of leah winning her favorite pony.  you know, just for a few minutes while i wrote my article for work and then we would go to bed.

little did i know what that request was going to lead to......

an hour later,  i was telling ben i was going to bed.

"oh!  yeah, me too.  yeah," was his distracted reply, not even looking up at me from the screen of the ipad.  "i just need to wait until this bread is done baking and collect some more apples and then i can buy another pony to work on digging over here."

i washed my face, brushed my teeth, changed my clothes.  about 10 minutes later, i came back out into the family room.  he hadn't budged from his previous spot.  well, except for his fingers, which were swishing and tapping away.

"okaaaaayyy, so.  i'm going to bed.  are you going running with the group tomorrow at 5?  you might want to get ready for bed too..." i trailed off.

no response.

"AHEM.  are you going to come to bed?"  i asked, starting to get what he calls "that tone."

"yes!  yes, yes i'm coming.  just a minute," he mumbled, again not looking up at me.

i rolled my eyes, and walked into the bedroom.

a few minutes later, he followed me in.  bringing the ipad with him.

"ben, seriously?  you're really still playing?  i mean, it's great that you want to help leah....but i'm kinda getting the feeling this is no longer for her....."

"well, it's just these ponies!  they're not doing what i assigned them!  and i can't figure out how to collect the dang rainbows!  and where is that box pony?!  she's supposed to be here somewhere and i can't find her and i need to collect the coins from her!"  

i could not believe we were having this conversation.

i started laughing.  "ben, listen to yourself!  do you realize the words you just spoke aloud?"

"mm-hmm," he replied absentmindedly.  staring at the screen.

i went to sleep.

and woke up around 2:00 in the morning, to find that ben was no longer in bed beside me.  and he wasn't in the bathroom.

and i knew.  i just knew what he was doing.

so i sent him this text:

and a couple of minutes later, he walked the walk of shame into the room with the ipad, and lay down next to me.  it was both hilarious and a little sad.

this morning, i called him on his way to work.

"how ya doing, champ?"  i asked playfully.  "are ya tired?  rough night with the ponies, huh?"

"lynsey!  i was trying to earn puttershy for leah!  you asked me to do that you know!"  he was laughing, but there was a hint of defensiveness in his voice.

"ummmmm, until 2 o'clock in the morning?!  yeah.....don't hide behind that excuse.  you and i both know it was all you, sweetcheeks." 

"HONEY.  equestria {the name of the pony kingdom} is in a complete economical CRISIS.  they need a leader!  someone who can delegate and help them to build ponyville back up to what it once was!"

"ohmygosh you did NOT say that!"  i was laughing so hard.  "you know this is going to end up on facebook, right?"

"no!  NO.  don't do it!  this just stays between you and me!"

and i'm pretty sure if he wasn't driving and if there were a pillow around, he would have been covering his face with it.

"i love you ben,"  i said sweetly.

"LYNSEY."

"have a great day at work!  i'll check in on the ponies for you and let you know how they're doing!"

and we both laughed.

and then i updated my facebook status, and a couple of hours later, wrote this.

creepy blackmail

for the most part, leah no longer takes naps.  which is a blessing and a curse, as moms-who-have children-who-have-given-up-napping know what i mean.


i have now moved her as smoothly as i can into "quiet times," though she's pretty unaware of this.  she still thinks she's supposed to be laying down sleeping, and we always start off this way, with me tucking her into bed, kissing her, and telling her i'll see her when she wakes up.  only to hear her minutes later, up and playing with her toys.  i think she believes she's being ultra-sneaky, and that i have no idea that she's up.  i let her believe this because she stays quiet, and in her room, playing contently.  


a couple of weeks ago, i was surprised when i walked past her room to not only see that she was asleep, but asleep with her hippo tucked under her shirt.  so i took a picture.

there could seriously be an entire blog post dedicated to the crazy ways ben and i have found this lady asleep--i love it because i get a glimpse into her vivid imagination.


but then, i noticed something more odd than her stuffed hippo under her shirt....let's get a closer look, shall we?

and i realized, this is my moment.  


i'm guessing that in years to come, leah is probably going to pull all sorts of attitude with me.  and i now have a really great blackmail picture to hopefully win several of those moments when she threatens to walk out of the house with a skirt shorter than it should be, or other exciting soon-to-be teenage daughter moments i anticipate are on their way.  cut to me pulling out this un-flattering picture of my lovely girl with her creepy open eyes while she slept, threatening to publish it on the 2025 hologram-version of facebook for all of her friends to see.  


it was another moment where i gave myself a pat on the back for being such a good mom.  my kids are awfully lucky.

life happens, in pictures.

a lot has been going on around here, and luckily i took some pictures to prove it.

what happened to june after an underwear fight between ben & caleb during conference.

siblings.

easter dinner.

easter egg hunt for the kiddos.

easter egg money hunt for the adult ladies....featuring our "game on" faces.....also known as my audition picture for a laxative commercial.

someone has graduated to a big girl bed, and it was surprisingly before she turned 21 {like her dad predicted}.  she has done great, not getting out of bed once at night yet.  {the reason i waited for so long for her to make the change, so she was old enough to hopefully understand & i wouldn't have to change the doorknob around.}

family time around the piano.

the music was as beautiful as their expressions.

catching ladybugs.

leah and her "clarinet."  i wish i were joking.  not sure what is more disturbing, the "clarinet" in her mouth, or her post-nap hair.

we hit the mid 90's today, so we busted out the swimsuits and sprinklers.  this weekend we'll get our first 100 degrees.  i'm trying so hard to have a good attitude about it.

the end of another semester is coming this week, 

and another sleeping picture of ben pretty much sums up our feelings about it:

instincts, speeches, screams, escape plans, business tone, snowmen, connecting and grace all wrapped up into one road trip.

i love a good road trip.

i love my children.

but my children with me on road trips?  well, i consider that a true test of my mothering abilities.

for the most part, i have pretty great kids.  the first two arriving with big personalities.  which is something i love about them...until we're all trapped together in a car for {what feels like endless} hours with those two personalities competing with each other.  survival of the fittest.

ben and i have tried a variety of tactics and with trial and error, we have decided what works best:  seating them as far apart as possible in the vehicle.


when we first begin each trip, they both are excited to sit by one another.  begging, pleading, promising us they will get along, we have caved one time too many.  letting them sit together, our fingers crossed that maybe, after years of attempting to cultivate it, this is the beginning of a beautiful sibling relationship.

within about 5 minutes, we realize our first mistake:  going against our initial gut instincts.  parents, never do this!  you know it will most likely lead to disasters beyond your wildest imaginations!

the shrieks that ensue once one has picked up a toy that the other one has suddenly decided is their favorite toy ever, is only the beginning.  it then cycles to the older one determined to making the younger one understand the complex social etiquettes of north american culture in children, believing that if he talks and explains in detail long enough, he can convince his more-primal-instincts-younger-sister to see his enlightened ways, and peacefully hand back the precious trinket she has just yanked from his tightly-gripped fingers.

when that doesn't happen after a 10 minute soliloquy including pouring his heart out and delivering his most persuasive argument to date thus far, and she returns his well-thought out speech with a stubborn and resounding reply of "NO!"

is when you-know-what hits the analogylitic {yes i just made that up} fan.

then on cue, i look over to see the calm and peaceful baby staring at me nervously, thoughtfully expressing to me with her eyebrows arched in fear that she has contemplated her escape plan and knows just where the closest exit is to her round little feet.

her concern now lies in her abilities to execute that escape plan, and she sends requests to me that come in the form of her adorable little "hoo-hoo's", in between gulps of her bottle, sweetly asking if i would assist her with this?

and i realize that it's unfair for her.  to be the third, the calm one, stuck in the back with her only company now turning into two shrieking hyenas that no amount of layers of knitted hat over her tiny ears can drown out.

so i do what any good mother would.

"that's IT!"  i exclaim, and what ben calls "business tone" takes over my voice.  and face.  and posture. and heart.  i motion for ben to pull off to the next exit.  we open the doors and get to work.

hauling leah in her carseat up to the middle row, confiscating the toy that began this debacle, and then announcing to them {with my voice an octave lower than it normally sits} that unless they shape up, we-will-turn-this-car-around-and-go-back-home-where-they-can-sit-in-their-rooms-for-the-rest-of-the-day-and-forget-about-this-vacation.  {and yes, of course i realize just where my oldest acquired his amazingly determined speech-delivery skills}

and that is how, 30 minutes into our 12-15 hr-each-way road trip, things settle down.

but by this point in time, i'm already wondering why did i think this was a good idea?  and how are we going to get through the next 2 days of traveling with everyone {myself included} making through it alive?  and then after a week of fun, get back in the car for another 2 days to go through it again?

but i look at ben, my optimistic partner in crime, who continues to believe in the power of a good family road trip regardless of fighting children,

and sigh.  and decide to change my attitude, bite the bullet, and keep going.


we make a snowman during one of our get-out-of-the-car-before-we-all-go-mad stops.

we turn on our favorite non-children-music, road trip CD's and sing at the top of our lungs.  we talk about deep, meaningful things, and make jokes about shallow, non-meaningful things.  we connect and hold hands and daydream about our hopefully impending future where our kids become lovers of road trips the way we are.


and somewhere along the way, amidst tantrums, and spills, and cries, and whines,

magic
happens.

like a piece of grace falling from the sky and landing directly into the walls of our dark blue minivan, they simultaneously sleep for 2 out of what-turned-into 16 hours on the road.

those 2 hours of peace and quiet, staring in amazement at their angelic faces, reminded me that road trips are like a compact look at motherhood as a whole.  there are a lot of hard and un-fun moments, but the ones that are rewarding are magnified so greatly when they happen.

and those moments were what convinced me to get back in the car and do it all over again, on the way home.


***for some added fun, want to actually see my children fight?  here's a video of our road trip, i made it for the weekly monday vlog on the blog i write for, Baby Half Off.  click on the video to watch the insanity unfold....

the moments that really make a marriage last.

before things get deep, let's have some fun, shall we?

i haven't blogged about my hilarious husband lately, but this is one that i just couldn't resist.  he's totally going to kill me for doing this, which is exactly why i'm going to....{young married folks, this is what marital bliss is made of.  humiliations galore.}

backstory:

since having june, my post-baby hormone hair has been falling out in droves.  so instead of clogging up the drain with my nest of hair, as i'm shampooing and conditioning, i grab the loose strands and put them up on the wall of the shower.  YES I KNOW IT'S GROSS.  but then when my shower is over, i gather up the wall hair, and throw it away.  it's not fun for me either, okay?  but i do what has to be done.  cleaning out the drain of the shower is MUCH worse.  

the worst part is, every now and then i shower without my contacts in and am seriously, tragically blind without them.  so occasionally, when i can't see, i absentmindedly forget to get my hair off the shower wall.  STOP GAGGING, I GET IT.  and i feel badly about it, i do!  it's not on purpose! 

but of course, when ben happens to see my wall hair in the shower, he freaks out.  and makes sure to not only go on and on, but he leaves it there for me to see the next day.  {marital bliss, i tell you!}

however.

ben is not mr. perfect himself.  every time he trims his beard over our bathroom sink he leaves his trimmings allllllll {imagine my hands sweeping around myself, indicating about a 4x4 foot square around me} over the counters and sinks.  without!  cleaning!  it!  up!  and he doesn't have the excuse of being blind as a bat like i do.  he can totally see the mess!  bleeeeech.  so of course, i do what i have to.  and go on and on about it, and leave it for him to clean up the next time he comes into the bathroom.  

well, there's the backstory.  

this morning:

i woke up, and walked in the bathroom to brush my teeth, when i saw this:

what is it??

oh, just the extension cord we use to plug in our outside christmas lights, plugged in and leading to the door of the shower.  

my fuzzy, just-woken-up brain tried to make sense of this.  ben is in the middle of writing his proposal for his dissertation.  he's been working hard, he's been stressed, he's been staying up all night.  my brain did its best to process.

.....he wasn't trying to.....contemplating......considering......

nooooooo....not ben.  he wouldn't.  couldn't!!

i didn't get to talk to him until around 2 p.m., when he had a break. 

"so, heeeeey," i said slowly.  "ummmm, what was with the extension cord in the bathroom?  right by the shower?  are you, you know {gulp}.....okay?"

he started to laugh.  "oh, yeah!  no, i finally came up with a genius way to trim my beard hair without getting it all over the sink and counters!  i hooked up my electric razor to the extension cord, and trimmed it in the shower!  before the water was turned on, of course.  great idea, huh??  now you won't complain anymore!"  

he sounded so proud of himself.  

"seriously ben?  what on earth??"  i was baffled.  

"yeah, what's wrong with that?"  

"well, i mean sure, it's a great idea.  it's just, um......can't you just clean off the counters and sink after you trim your beard???"  i laughed now.  i actually thought it was hilarious that this was his solution, even though i couldn't believe the lengths he would go to in order to not have to do a 5 minute clean-up job.  

"yeah, but now i'll never have to!!"  he was triumphant.  


"i was legitimately worried about you for about 30 seconds!!  i thought you had decided that writing your dissertation wasn't worth it, and you were ending things early!"  i tried to sound exasperated. 


"no, dear.  you'll know i mean business when you see the extension cord WITH a toaster plugged into it."

"you're such a dork!  i'm totally blogging about this!"  which i knew would ruffle his puffed up feathers. 

"oh, you'd better NOT.  no one will understand!  you and all of your lady blogger friends will make fun of me at your little book clubs, and girls nights.  why can't you write about the sweet things i do?"  he begged.

"because who wants to hear all of the romantic and sweet things?  it will just make those who don't have it so good, feel badly.  i want to be uplifting!  make them feel better about themselves!  THIS is the good stuff," i teased.

so, not only am i blogging about it, but this is what ben is facing in the bathroom when he comes home:

and when he asks why?

i'll tell him that i came up with the genius idea of vacuuming my hair before i shower so that i no longer have to clean it off of the wall.

outdone again, dr. strader.  outdone again!  

ahhhhhhhh.  marital bliss.

"clowns to the left, jokers to the right and here i am, stuck in the middle with you"

before june was born, ben used to give leah a biiiiig hug and jokingly say,

"oh you poor girl, you're now going to be the crazy middle child."

of course, he would say this knowing that

i
am
a middle
child.

i always felt proud of being the middle child, the one who didn't ruffle feathers too much, who liked hanging back for the most part.  i actually didn't like a lot of attention, and pretty much loathed a shining spotlight.

so whenever ben would make a jab at my cute little leahpants, i would defend her honor.

"that just means she gets to be the sweet, easy-going kid!  at least she won't end up a spoiled brat like the youngest kids of families do."

{no offense, my sweet baby junealicious....i was only saying this to jab back at your father who is, in fact, the youngest--technically a twin, but treated as the youngest--of his family}

ben, being the spoiled baby that he is, then had to list all of the poor qualities of the middle child.  {of course he had memorized them, as spoiled babies tend to do} i couldn't believe it!  i hadn't heard of all of these negative characteristics before.

so i did what middle children do---and tried to call his bluff.  i google searched "middle child characteristics"  and woah boy!  did i pull up a seriously depressing list.  hold on to your hats.  {for the middle children--my peeps! :  a warning.  you might feel like jumping off of a bridge after reading this.}

"The middle child, unlike the others, is not given much attention. The following are just some characteristics that define middle children. Note that not all of them or maybe even none may be observed in middle children. Middle children have low self-esteem. They need support for anything they do, sometimes talents are wasted when they do not pursue their dreams. Middle children have a feeling of emptiness.They are always lonely and are jealous of others. This is a very broad trait, since it affects every aspect of their lives. They may be a little weird, unfriendly and even worse, psychotic because of this feeling of emptiness. The two traits mentioned above can interact differently with different personalities. For example, an introvert middle child may prove to be more depressed and lonely than the extrovert middle child. There are a lot of possibilities for middle children, but the results are mostly negative."

found here.

well, there you have it. 

my favorite part?  "they may be a little weird..."  that one struck me as randomly funny.

and as i was reading these traits, and trying to pick up my shattered ego off of the floor.....who happened to walk by but this lady:

who was wearing a bike helmet on her head, a pair of june's socks on her hands, a big poofy skirt over her pants, her hair in pigtails, and holding in each gloved {socked} hand, a plain noodle from lunch a few minutes earlier, talking to them and singing about how they are friendly snakes.

and i smiled at her and thought to myself,

she is so weird.

then stopped myself.  oh, no!  i've totally created the middle child monster in my own daughter!  this must be corrected before it's too late.  i am going to give my poor, forgotten middle child the attention she deserves, darn it, and talk about her for the rest of this post.

leah is an absolute crack-up.  yes she wears crazy things on her head and hands and feet at pretty much all times of the day.  she sleeps with her hippo on top of her face.  when we drive in the car with the windows down, as soon as we pull up next to another car with windows down, she'll yell out a really loud, "HI FRIENDSTH! WHATCHA DOIN?" 

she could have totally been potty trained a good 6 months ago, but honestly?  i just didn't feel like it.  i like to potty train my kids late, and move them to big-kid beds late too.  {it had nothing to do with me forgetting about her, maybe it was because i need support in everything i do??  because i'm the middle child??} but she announces to me every time she's going #1 or #2.  in public that's a whole lot of fun, especially because i congratulate her each time to encourage her.  it doesn't even phase me anymore.

she laughs when she burps, and has to walk around the room while she prays. 

she is both friendly and shy, it's such a funny combination.  she has no problems with nursery or playing with friends, and has easily gone into situations like that from the first day with no fear.  i love that about her.

we signed her up for a little kid's fitness class to give her something to do, and she loved it.  but when the teacher would talk to her, i noticed she was more quiet than she is at home.  she knows colors, shapes, animals, numbers, letters, all of it. but when she's asked by an adult who isn't someone she's particularly close to...she just smiles at them.

she is extremely talkative, we carry on conversations all day long.  i find i'm having to remind myself that she's only 2, especially when she says things like, "mom, i'd like to share an idea with you!" and then goes on to tell me whatever thoughts are swirling around in her brain.

she has multiple songs and books memorized, long books and she makes the characters use different voices.  she tells me what she dreams about when she wakes up in the morning.  she loves being outside.

she is a master at torturing her brother, and he loves to tattle on her.  one day, i heard some sort of scuffle going on in his bedroom between the two of them, and i heard caleb yell out, "I'M TELLING!" then heard leah quickly follow with, "NO, I'M TELLING!"

and i thought to myself, this should be interesting.

they both came charging up to me, wanting to be heard.  caleb had arrived first, so i told him to go ahead and then it was leah's turn. {always second, in true poor-middle-child-fashion.  wink.}

"MOM, LEAH HIT ME!"  he screeched.

"okay leah, your turn.  what would you like to tell me?"  i asked her, thinking she would defend her honor.

"MOM, I HIT CALEB!!"  she yelled in reply, tattling on herself.  i busted up laughing, so did caleb.  so did leah. 

she is so sweet with june, another thing i'm thankful for.  knock on wood, she is soft and sensitive to her, and always announces to me when she's crying.  over and over and over and over again, until i get the chance to pick june up.

she loves music, and we dance a lot around here.  she spins, points her toes.  she is easily self-entertained.  she has an amazing imagination.  she loves the "little einsteins."

leah is spunky, and fun, and hilarious, and sometimes a little devil of a child, but in a good way.  now i'm going to go and play with her, making up some sort of game together, i'm sure.

my lovely, not-forgotten, middle child,
who is going to achieve whatever the heck you want to in life,
{and i'm sure no matter what, you're going to be awesome.}

i'm going to dance to this song with you today.
and enjoy being right where we are.