San Antonio.

Hold on to me, as we go.

As we roll down this unfamiliar road.

And although this wave is stringing us along

Just know you're not alone

'Cause I'm gonna make this place your

Home.

--"Home"

Phillip Phillips

On a Tuesday morning, I pressed my nose to the glass cutout in our new front door.  Cars zoomed forward, then slowed as they braked for the speed bump, right in front of our house.  There was a lot of life moving around, just feet away from where I stood.  For me though, the life was foreign and felt very overwhelming.  I watched for a few minutes more, just like this.  Nose to glass, sighing every now and then.  Feeling the weight of it all.

We had rolled into San Antonio in the early evening the day before.  Ben, Caleb and Claire were ahead in the minivan while Leah, June and I followed in our white car.  It had been a long 3 day trip full of sad goodbyes, dead car batteries, washing laundry in a hotel until 2 am, and trading off sleeping sideways on a queen-sized bed next to two extremely rowdy little sleepers.  We had fun along the way though, mixed into the normal chaos.  Frozen yogurt stops, swimming, and dance parties to loud music in the car.  

I stared at the green trees lining the highway as we drove through our new city, trying hard to tell myself that one day this would all be familiar instead of new and somewhat intimidating.  As we turned onto our new street, kids playing soccer scattered out of the way of our caravan-ing cars.  This is good, I thought.  Lots of families.  

We parked in front of our new home, and I took a picture as the three oldest kids ran up the green front yard onto our porch.  Ben found the hidden key, and unlocked it.  I could hear the squeals and yells of excitement as they barreled through the entryway.  I picked up Claire from where she was waiting patiently in her car seat, handed her to Ben, and walked into our new home.  

We searched each room, noticing the size of them, the insides of the closets, the number of sinks.  It had a good feeling inside of it, with a lot of space and light.  We walked out on the back porch, and I smiled at all of the green facing us.  There were no homes behind ours, just masses of trees so thick you couldn't see through to the other side of them.  

Ben, Caleb and I unpacked our cars, and met neighbors who came outside to introduce themselves.  Our first family meal was Chick-Fil-A, eaten at 10 pm, while sitting on the floor.  Then we unrolled sleeping bags, brushed teeth, changed clothes, said a family prayer, and after finally winding down from the excitement, fell asleep. 

It has now been almost 3 weeks since the first morning we woke up in our new house, and I pressed my nose to the glass on a Tuesday.  

Some people look at a big move to a big city as a big adventure.  Ben is one of them.  I am not--but I'm trying.  I signed on to this move, with 100% support, knowing it would be difficult for my personality.  I am a lover of comfort zones, and for the past few years have felt such an intense need for setting down roots that the knowledge we are still several more years and a couple of more moves away from that makes me want to openly weep and then crawl into a hole.  And then take a big long nap.  (But that last part is irrelevant--naps always sound like a great idea, to me.)

The three weeks here have been nothing short of a little ridiculous.  The first week, Claire got a major fever, then June started up right behind her.  Soon every single one of our family was hit with some sort of a major flu bug, except for me.  June and Claire had it the worst, I have never seen June this sick.  Every night she would throw up from coughing, and her fever was 104 for 4 full days.  We had no insurance, no money, no belongings aside from one pillow and blanket for everyone, a few toys, some clothes, a couple of towels, a T.V. and a very small amount of kitchen supplies.  When June would throw up on what we had brought, we would do laundry in one of the bathroom tubs, and went without our own pillows and blankets.  

The second week, we discovered a mold problem in our master bathroom.  We're grateful they repaired it quickly, but this entire week was spent cooped up while waiting for them to finish.  Two days ago, we found a scorpion in Caleb's room.  After panicking a bit and trying to find creative ways to remove everything off of the floors we had been using as our dressers, we got a pest control company in here and bought traps.  Fingers crossed the scorpions are managed.

We are on week three now, still without our belongings.  Luckily, Ben is finally a legit member of the army, we have insurance, our friends lent us a card table, chairs, and a couple of games, June is back to her hilarious self, we were paid a portion of our move reimbursement, we are learning to live with less, and I have finally made peace with the laundromat and the homeless "regulars" who initially terrified me.  Not only that, but we've felt the love of our family and friends from far away.  They have checked in on us with phone calls, and texts, sent letters or packages...and those things have meant the absolute world to us.   

This life will take some getting used to, I know.  It will take a lot of pushing and stretching, again.  These are the parts that are uncomfortable, but bring the most growth--when I can look back at them. 

In the meantime, I'm trying to stay sane in this big, empty house that I can't feel settled into yet without our pictures and curtains and furniture.  I'm trying to get out and drive and find libraries and parks and fun things for our kids to do.  I'm trying to not let loneliness swallow me up, and walk outside to meet neighbors and make an effort.  

San Antonio is beautiful, and the people of Texas are friendly, and I'm trying.  

And it will take time.  

bedtime nightmares.

so two weeks ago, i made a really regretful decision.

i decided to put caleb and leah in the same room, in bunk beds.  

june has been sleeping in our walk-in closet for 12 months now, and i was tired of not being able to have a life after she was in bed.  our treadmill is in our bedroom, which means that i couldn't exercise after 8:00 p.m.  i'm not a morning person, and love to exercise after the kids go to bed.  it also meant sneaking into a dark room to get ready for bed, brushing our teeth in the dark, taking out my contacts by flashlight, and ben either waking up the baby or laying his clothes out the night before in order to get dressed in the morning.  not awful, but it was time to be done.  

when it came time for thinking of having two of our kids share a room, we knew leah was the wild card, and is not the easiest when it comes to winding down and putting herself to sleep.  in her own room, it wasn't a big deal, because the only person she bothered was herself {and occasionally me}.  so that was the reason that we first decided to have caleb and june share a room.  but then we realized the error in our thinking, because when caleb had friends over or needed some quiet time, he had nowhere to go if june was sleeping.

we were given hand-me-down bunk beds that we'd had sitting in our garage, and after a lot of talking between ben and i....we decided to just go for it.  how bad could it be, right??

we switched the rooms around, got caleb and leah all excited to be room buddies, decorated their room so it worked for both of them, and crossed our fingers.

well.....

it
has
been
r
o
u
g
h
.

the first couple of nights, there was so much fighting between the two kids, and going back and forth and in and out of their rooms.  settling disputes....cracking down on rules....trying positive motivation.....then finally resulting in all-out threats......which eventually led to me having to follow through on those threats {because i do my best not to say things i can't back up}....and that turned into weeping, wailing and GNASHING of teeth.  

{these pictures were taken during an actual leah meltdown in the car...

while she carried on, the rest of us practiced our grumpy faces.}

they didn't go to sleep until 11 p.m. and that is not like my kids.  they were in awful moods the next day.  the next night was 10:30.  

caleb has been easy when it comes to bed time.  it's a rare night when he can't sleep, he just settles on down and that's it.  leah is a night owl and not only does she want to be creating games and imaginary friends out of whatever she can find, she also wants to bug her brother.  he's been highly motivated to ignore her, and he does his best.  but it gets to a place of ridiculous-ness and i can't blame him; he snaps.  and gets so frustrated, and begs to sleep in our room.  where we eventually let him go, and then move him after they're both asleep and we're ready to go to bed.   

on top of the late bedtime, leah has been waking up some time between 2-6 a.m. and crying out, trying to wake up caleb because she says she's scared.  i've ended up in her bed with her, trying to calm her seriously loud cries before she wakes him up again.  

we're now a couple of weekw in, and i am so exhausted.  mentally, physically, emotionally.  bedtime drags on for about 2 1/2 to 3 hours and i'm beginning to dread it.  no matter how nice i start out, no matter how strict i become, leah is a hot mess.  

as i'm typing this, ben {who just walked in the door at 10 p.m.} is right now talking to a screaming leah about how she lost her privilege for the morning because she was out of her bed again.  

i've had friends recommend melatonin, but i've read a lot of studies about it and there has been a lot of negative side effects {many parents said that it actually gave their kids night terrors}.  plus i really don't like to medicate my kids if i don't think it's necessary.  i've used essential oils, long baths, soothing music, books on CD, giving the room extra light, giving the room less light.  
i've also heard to just let them play/fight/workitout on their own, as long as they stay in their rooms.  which i would do if both of them were participating in this, instead of it being one kid driving the other one mad.  and if caleb wasn't a kid who needs--has always needed--more sleep than what "normal" kids need.  he started school this week and i just don't think it's fair to him, or what is best for him to have to suffer while leah continues for hours on end.  

sorry to complain....i can't stand complain-y posts....but i'm fresh out of ideas and need some help.  do we just switch them back?  go back to june in the closet?  hold on for as long as we can?  hope this ends?  

i adore this little girl, seriously adore her.  she is normally so much fun to be around.  sometimes the beauty of her face combined with her amazing little spirit and personality take my breath away.  i mean, honestly.  how did i get so lucky to be her mom?

and i'm so sad every time we have such a negative experience at bedtime, it used to be my favorite time with my kids.  hearing her cry and carry on and not listen is both heartbreaking and frustrating.  

so, help please.  ready!  set!  go!

blogging, interrupted.

so i love how i give a big dramatic speech about how i will still blog, because i need it and it's wonderful and where did my friends go?  {which by the way, i love you friends who commented!  and am glad you're still on this ride with me.}  

and then life hits, in the form of:


this little girl getting sick for over 2 weeks with strep and a double ear infection....

where i got to sleep on her floor for over a week because of her middle-of-the-night coughing attacks that would most often end up in vomiting.

which included 2 visits to the urgent care, where she is allergic to amoxicillin, so we had to try another medicine that did not help, and then finally resting on a third one that eventually took care of it.



all of this, caused me to miss out on a lot of things for this boy....

like writing about his big seventh birthday....which will come soon.  and going to an awards ceremony for his1st grade graduation {an award for testing in the high-3rd grade level for reading, and an award for having the best positive attitude}, and getting to go to his last day of school for a picture of him with his teacher.  or pulling together any of the fun last-day-of-school surprises i had up my sleeve.

and i had to cancel on a friend who was in need of a baby-sitter several times because of the plague going on at our house, which i always feel badly about....and poor ben had to stay home with sick leah  from a surprise good-bye party we had helped plan for our friends who were moving.

then, as soon as leah started to finally feel better, and we had 24 hours to breathe and get out of the house to get some things done, i co-hosted a bridal shower for this lovely lady.....

where in the middle of that going on at my house, i'm receiving phone calls from ben, telling me that caleb is sick at a friend's birthday party and needs to be taken to the urgent care.  so we go back for the 3rd time in a week, with the second diagnosis of strep and a double ear infection.


and i'm trying my best not to be disappointed, because just an hour after the bridal shower is over, i am packing for what should have been a family trip for a really fun, all-expenses paid weekend retreat with my work.  we don't get a lot of time together as a family, especially out-of-the-house fun and free time.  we had been really looking forward to it, but instead it's just june and i, with ben staying home again with the sick kids.

while in that lovely, spacious hotel room with a huge kitchen, june is not acting like herself.  which means she is really un-happy and not sleeping.  all of my best laid plans for watching a movie, or catching up on work, or sleeping in a bed for heaven's sakes....are all foiled.  and i stay up almost all night long, trying to get her to sleep for more than 20 minutes and hoping the neighbors on either side of my hotel room aren't going to knock on my door to tell my sweet baby to pipe down.


i return exhausted, only to go to urgent care for the 4th time in a week.

june has her first ear infection of her life, a double.  because why not?  i'm grateful it's not strep though, and want the medication for her just so she can start to feel better.  i had been missing my easy-going baby girl.


merely hours after expressing my gratitude to ben that at least june seems to have a stronger stomach than our first two who have already both repeatedly vomited this week, poor june throws up.  it's so sad when a toddler or kid throws up, it's an entirely different story when it's a baby.  my heart just breaks for them.  

so that is how things have been going in my life.  in between the hard there has been a lot of good.  i hate when my kids are sick because i don't like to see them suffer, but i love when my kids are sick because it forces life to slow down and i get to hold them more.  

the best part of being a mother is being there for them during these times, no matter how tired i am, or how much my back hurts from sleeping on their floor.  i am their comfort, and i lose myself and my pride and selfish desires when i get to serve them. 

and in turn, this becomes my comfort.  knowing that i may not be good at a lot of things, but i am really great at being their mom, especially when they need me most. 

summer has begun this week, and all of the 3 littles are feeling better.  the heat has arrived like an unwelcome guest, and now i'm scrambling to find a schedule that is full of activities, and chores, and reading, and cheap entertainment in places that provide shade and air conditioning. 

life is full, and good.   

blogging may have to be on the back-burner during times like these,

but i am still here.  and i'm glad you are too.