holding on & letting go

this afternoon i helped ben study for mid-terms while caleb took a nap. when ben left, i knew i only had a few moments to myself before caleb woke up and the fun began. i had decided to peek in on him before i went to have some "me time." as i looked in on him sleeping soundly curled up with his little bear i couldn't resist to grab a pillow and lay down by him.

as i lay down, i disturbed him a little and he sat up in a drunk-sleep stupor and started mumbling nonsense. i asked him to lay back down and he curled up in my open arms and went right back to sleep. for about 15 minutes, i held my sleeping little boy.

it didn't matter that my neck was kinked, or my arm was falling asleep or that i was laying on a book. i just enjoyed being there with him, hearing his light snore and smelling his hair. i just held on.

from the day we become parents we do our best to hold on but soon come to a realization that we will eventually have no choice but to let go. every new milestone, every first step, every first word is one step closer to the last time we can hold on before we are forced to release our hold.

when caleb was a baby i was so anxious for him to grow up...usually the opposite of how most moms feel. after the first 10 days of his newborn sleep wore off the crying began. and seemed endless. our first year with him was extremely difficult but with each day that passed, he seemed to feel better, cry less and became more happy.

i was reminded by a friend's blog about the first day i truly felt happy as a mother. caleb was about 5 months old, he was happy and smiling. for the first time, i felt like i had done a good job and had helped put that smile on his face. i took a picture so i could remember:



since that day there have been many rewarding moments, days, weeks, months. right now as i'm writing this caleb is running around, dancing & kicking to music. he goes too fast, gets dizzy, falls down and laughs.

i want to hold on to this little 3 year old who loves to laugh, imagine, go places with me, wrestle with his dad, and carry around his bear. i know that this phase will end just like the music he is dancing to.

i know that letting go is important. for me, for him. to gain a tiny perspective of what our heavenly father went through with each of us. that doesn't make it any easier though. but somehow, knowing that letting go will come eventually, it helps me hold on to these moments longer and enjoy them more.