things you may not like about me.

 {for those who have previously accused me of only taking "good pictures"....this one's for you.}

so here's a fun secret to share:

i am terrified to have 3 kids.

almost everyone i have talked to that has 3+ children says that 3 is pretty much as tough as it gets.  then, the more you add, the merrier.  you've already lost your mind by that point, so why not?  have another.    i was not ready to get pregnant with this child and though i'm not resentful about it, i just don't feel prepared.  but can you ever really prepare yourself?  because who knows how the dynamics will change, for better or worse?  at heart i'm a preparer though, so this whole idea has thrown me for a loop.  

another secret to share:

i was also terrified to have 2.

but, for different reasons.  i was scared of giving birth to another caleb baby, a screaming and discontent and tireless child.  one i adored with every fiber of my being, but still.  the thought of having another one just like him terrified me.  kept me up at night, and causing-problems-with-my psyche-terrifying.

secret #3, as if you haven't had to read enough:

i really, really don't like being pregnant.

i know this is probably an awful thing to say.  i have several dear and close friends who i have watched had to have the inability to become pregnant as their trial.  so when i announce this, even to myself, i immediately feel selfish and ungrateful.  

i also have a family member and several close friends who have awful pregnancies.  like, stuck with IV's in their arms, on chemo medicine, daily home nurses needed, unable to take care of themselves or other children-type sick.  so again, me complaining and feeling all sorry for myself that i get 24/7 nausea and complete and utter exhaustion makes me feel like a wussy.

but i try to let myself be okay with realizing that even just this type of pregnancy is a hurdle, even if in comparison it's not like others i know have had to suffer through.  feeling like i'm functioning at about 50% all of the time, counting down the minutes to caleb's quiet time/leah's nap time so that i can rest for a little bit, and trying to put on a good face for others when i really just want to go and throw up or curl up in the fetal position gets old after several months.

don't get me wrong, i recognize that this baby is a blessing, and will ultimately be incredible for our family.  

i've just felt lately like i have been treading water, and not gracefully or with class.  it's been more of a haphazard splashing around doggy paddle.  not pretty.

also not pretty?  the way that i've looked lately.  for once considering myself someone who has a hard time going places without make-up on, well.....that ship has sailed.  i have walked through grocery stores, department stores, in crowds of people completely bare skinned.  i'd like to say it felt liberating, due to working on how i feel about my image no matter what, but really....when it happened these times it was mainly because it was just easier.

which leads me to my last secret:

i think that at the heart of me, i like things easy.  super easy.

i mean, i get that most people prefer things easy over difficult, don't they?  who absolutely loves scaling emotional or physical walls?  if you know someone, i have an awesome therapist to refer them to.  just kidding.

but i think i can take things to an extreme.  i talk myself out of the tiniest things when i'm feeling well.  add pregnancy onto my initial issues and i seriously feel like i might as well be a turtle who constantly hides in her shell.  i have our little daily life down to a schedule.  it's quiet, simple, and probably boring to most.  i don't like to push myself. 

for example:  school.

i made a promise....no a commitment to myself that i would sign up for school this semester.  of course, that was pre-pregnancy, so when i surprisingly became pregnant i let myself off of the hook and used it as my excuse.  not good.  

the next example:  housework.

it never looks awful here, but it never looks finished.  something that continually drives me insane, but i choose the easy route and just think about dusting/putting the laundry completely away/finishing the dishes instead of getting up and doing it.  i think it's a form of self torture so that nothing ever really feels done.

final example:  exercising.

it seems like i can't remember the days that i was exercising during nap/quiet times, or once the kids were in bed.  the last time i got on the treadmill and pushed myself, i had to lay on the bed for 30 minutes just to recuperate from it.  sad, sad.  i have gone mildly walking twice with andrea, but to be honest, i'm pretty much tapped out for the rest of the day afterward.

so.

this is my self-deprecating blog post amid the somewhat inspirational ones.  i'm working on fully accepting myself through this phase, without selling myself short and allowing my negative thoughts to outweigh the positive ones.  

i'm still pushing myself through it, and delicately walking the balance between the desire to change and the desire to accept. 

and am planning on coming out on the other side of this somewhat unscathed.

a big ol' p.s.  after re-reading what i wrote, do you know the thought that keeps popping into my head?  

is that maybe...aside from other things that this pregnancy & baby is going to do for our family....that it's also God's way of saying to me, 

"i'm now going to put your words and thoughts to the test.  you can do things differently this time."

so my friends, we're going to see if i can do just that.