reconnecting.

{found here, soon to be sitting in my home}

i've started about 5 different blog posts, and they sit

unfinished, unpublished.  

some are deep, some are not-so-deep; ranging from the first time i heard the voice of God speak to me and how it changed the course of my life to potty training and how i hate it but this time it hasn't been as bad as i perceived it would be.  {and i have to say, i know many friends potty train early, but i'm going to put my vote in for later is better.  for me anyway....and so far, for my kids.}

i don't know what i will do with those unfinished posts, most of them hanging in limbo {due to a serious lack of time to myself, and my new and improved early bedtime}.  they may resurface and they may not.

the past couple of weeks i have been working on slowing down and just enjoying my life.  i have a lot of time with my kids and with the beginning of school along with ben's new full-time job along with school, i felt the days slipping away.  so focused on routine, schedule, order, organization.  clockwork.

i realized i was kissing my kids good night at 7:30 p.m. with no memory of connection with them.  and right now is what i have been given, and it is a gift.  there will be no other time they will be 13 months, 3 1/2 and 7.  

so the focus has been switched to planning activities together, rushing through the have-to's {like homework} to get to the want-to's {like backyard baseball and board games and just hanging out on mom & dad's bed laughing}.  we've been focusing a lot on kindess toward each other, searching for ways to serve each other.  

and amazingly, it's working.

the last two weeks have been a reminder for me.  so many moments of thinking,

ohmygoodness,

are these really my kids?  these beautiful, happy little people?  who just ooze joy from the inside out?  

during times of self-doubt, they are what bring me back to reality.  they are happy not just because they are, but also because they are the product of a lot of hard work and determination from two people to provide safety, stability, and unconditional love.

yesterday i couldn't help but take multiple pictures and videos as we played, trying to capture their every expression, their laughter. i want them to remember these minutes and seconds the way i do. the color of their eyes and sun in their hair and the way they crack themselves up with their goofy faces.

as hard as i try, i know i am not perfect. but i feel so much peace knowing that these little ones are content, and they are living a happy childhood.  

and i am with them for every moment.