waking up.

it's almost 9 am, and i'm laying here in my bed, listening to leah's lightly purring snore from right below me on her new bed--the space of floor next to me and the treadmill--and the sound of {fake} rain coming from the baby's white noise machine i traded her for.  she has my fan for her white noise now, and i consider it a fair trade.  

ben took caleb to school for the first time in...ever...he is usually long gone by the time i am up with my son at 7:30.  but because he worked until after 1 am on tuesday, he had some hours he could flex out.  i woke up with my sinuses completely clogged at 8:05, panicking that i had somehow slept through caleb's getting ready and shot out of bed only to wander through a quiet house trying to breathe and come out of the fuzzy morning-ness to realize what had already transpired, and that they were gone.  

now i hear june chatting away in the baby monitor, and i selfishly don't want to go and get her from her crib.  one reason being that i love to hear her squeaks and squeals and get to imagine her rolling around with her blankets and stuffed dog and books, making friends with these non-living objects to keep herself occupied.  the other reason being well, obviously, that i don't want to break these few moments of peace that i will have today.  

i've already been working on my theme for 2013 in bigbutsmall ways.  last night i was washing a sink full of dishes and listening to music.  out of nowhere i turned on chris brown's "forever"  {i know, i know.  no need to mock, i mocked myself plenty on my own.} and 

just 

started 

dancing.

yes my children were in bed, but ben was in the bedroom and could have easily walked out to see me dancing around the island in the kitchen.  and at first i was timid and already embarrassed at just the thought of that possibility.  

so i stopped.  turned off the music, went back to the dishes.  

then remembered my theme {out of my comfort zone}, turned the music back on to such a high volume that i wouldn't even be able to tell if ben were coming into the room, 

and 

started dancing

again.

i grew up dancing, and i loved it.  i started classes when i was 5 and immediately felt it was a part of me, that it was something i was born to do, like sing.  but as i grew up, the insecurities took over.  whether they were insecurities of my body or my moves, or just the possibility of being watched,

somewhere along the way i stopped dancing.

unless it was with my children. 

so last night i danced, i turned the song on 4 or 5 times and let myself go.  and i kept dancing until i no longer felt the need to.  by the end i was smiling, and felt better about myself than i had in a long time.  even though i was wearing a sweatshirt and too-big jeans and a messy ponytail and no makeup.  

i felt really good, like i had reached some sort of inner level of chi or something.

tonight i will go out of my comfort zone again, going to a movie one-on-one with a new friend.  that may not sound like much to some, but for me it is big.  i'm comfortable in groups of people i know, or with seasoned friendships one-on-one.  but i could tell it was out of my comfort zone because as soon as i said "yes" to going, i immediately thought of 3 separate reasons why i should invite others to join us, or why it might not be the best idea to go at all.  and that was when i knew.  

i'm not sure why it's such a big deal for me, spending these few short hours with a really nice girl who is unassuming anything besides a couple of hours of much-needed getting out time.   am i worried about what to talk about?  that i'll be totally awkward or say something stupid?  or is it more the idea of letting another person in?  of being vulnerable or trusting, or putting myself out there for another person to see my weaknesses and boundary issues?  the introvert in me is nodding her head, agreeing this is more likely the reason{s}.  and though i can't exactly pinpoint it yet, this year i think i might just find out the whys of things like this.  

and that is the reason for me behind doing it.  we all have things we fear, and we think they are for good or normal reasons.  we normalize them so we can justify them.  and then we wrap up those fears tightly, and feel safe.  only deep down, i think we know better.  somewhere along the way, we've listened to a voice that has told us that it's not okay to put ourselves out there and take a risk, or dance around a room, or start a new friendship.  and when you actually get that moment to stop and consider the reasons you think are so heavily justified, and that you really don't care if your husband walks in while you're dancing, or you actually are okay if you say something awkward with a new friend, 

and you realize that all of the reasons 

were 
actually

fear,

well then you can push yourself past the fear.  and come into your own skin just a little bit more, and live your life feeling a little bit more

free.

now leah is awake, and up on my bed next to me and the day is beginning.  and tonight i will go to the movie and not pretend to be okay with it all, but actually be okay.  and maybe someday soon,

i will actually dance in front of someone.  on purpose.


pushing is growing.


and here are the videos that made me fall in love with that song...i cried during both of them, and i'm not ashamed to admit it:

http://vimeo.com/6986692