woah.

why didn't someone try to stop me from moving in the middle of arizona summer, right before a 3 week long vacation?  no one thought to bring me to my senses?  give me a good smack across the face and shake of the shoulder to get me to snap out of it?  this was a move of choice, remember.  not a mold-induced, career-induced or school-induced move.  i take responsibility for it, most of the time.  the rest of the time i blame the lack of common sense on two things:

1)  the heatstroke--it always sinks in on or around june 17.  this year was no exception.

2)  the desperation for space.  and, oh!  the space here is so nice. 

the space is what allows me to somehow find a way to move around open boxes and half-emptied tubs of our belongings without constantly banging my shins and elbows.  a piece of me questioned the move in the name of space--am i just getting greedy?  whining about first world problems? or am i actually just desperate, and possibly extremely intelligent?  desperate to park our van in our garage instead of using it as storage because there is no other space for storage...desperate to fit an actual dresser in a child's room instead of the plastic bins inside of a closet that last about 5 months before frustrated little hands break them while trying to remove a set of pj's...desperate to have my 4 year old back with her in her own room for her apnea-induced awake periods routinely every night between 3am-5am... 

the extremely intelligent part comes from only increasing our rent around $100 a month for this space.

so, i'm going to stick with those two reasons.

but. 

this is a lot.  we're leaving bright and early in the morning for our 12 + hour drive up to utah, and once we are on the road i will release a huge sigh and try to forget about the fact that my eyes twitch over the naked windows without curtains hung.  yes, i said naked.  those windows look so vulnerable and stark to me and the inner non-professional decorator just wants to grab the drill and go to town!  but so many other things are tugging me that for the first time in all of our moves, i have not hung up pictures and rearranged books first.  i have unpacked the boring before anything else--kitchen utensils and underwear, sheets and towels.  that last sentence was so boring it made me yawn while typing it.  i need color!  beauty!  a room that makes me want to hum a song just by walking into it!

but,

it's okay.  i'm getting a little purposely over-the-top even though deep down, it is really how i feel about the order of setting up a home.  i can't help it.

so,  i will try to forget about those un-hung curtains.  i will try to forget that my skin has broken out so badly that i look in the mirror and try to recall a time when i didn't have pimples--has there been a time?  possibly not.

i will try to forget that when we arrive back home it will be august, and in a few days caleb will start school, and we need to prepare for leah's tonsillectomy and ben's likely impending job quittage so he can get this dissertation DONE.

right now, as i finish packing suitcases among unpacked boxes, i will focus on the sound of the ocean--the fake one, coming from the white noise machine next to my side of the bed.  i will close my eyes as i roll up clothing into tight balls and stuff one shoe here and the other other there, filling up travel-size shampoo bottles and wrapping up computer cords, and i will hear that sound and focus on the fact that in just a little over one week, the sound of those crashing waves will be

real.