12.

I've been around the world but never in my wildest dreams

Would I come running home to you

I've told a million lies

But now I tell a single truth

There's you in everything I do

--Imagine Dragons
"Bet My Life"

"Are you happy?"  he asked me tonight, and it caught me by surprise.  I paused, which he took as a bad sign--but it wasn't, I was just reflecting.  I was thinking about happiness, and my definition of it, seriously considering whether the current state of our lives, and the current state of myself, fit within the realm that I judged the word 'happy.'

I had been staring at sweet, sleeping baby Claire when he asked me this question, listening intently to her breathe.  She is 5 weeks old now and has come down with her first illness, and I had been debating all day whether or not to take her into the doctor.  I'm not in a good place when my small babies are sick, it brings up old feelings of fear that I have to work hard to fight my way out of.  Luckily her breathing was soft and quiet, clear of the mucus-filled cackles I had been concerned of earlier.

I looked up at him, sitting across the room, running his hands through the thick hair he had been begging me to cut for weeks.  The  glow of the lamp next to him cast a soft light on his brown eyes.

"You know, I was thinking about our life this week," I began, "and how I'm really not a very romantic person.  I don't need flowers and gifts and big romantic gestures, though those are nice every now and then.  But what I am, is a sentimental person.  When I step out of my daily life for a few moments, and pretend I'm someone outside of our home, peering in the window and watching us, my perception changes.  When I look back through pictures and think of our memories, I'm overcome with emotion.  I remember when I was younger, picturing what I wanted--writing a list of things most important to the least.  On the top of that list was being married to a good man, and the next one was being a mother to a lot of kids.  I know when I wrote that list, I had no idea what marriage would be like, and knew even less what motherhood would be like.  I was so naive, back then.  But I'm no longer naive.  Marriage and motherhood can be incredibly hard, and most of the time I'm so caught up in the tantrums of our children, what I'm making for dinner, or the never-ending laundry piles, or the constant compromise and teamwork that marriage requires, that I forget to step back and peek into our windows.  Right now, I am living my own dream, with you being the good man you are, and these four incredibly beautiful, amazing children.  So yes, I am happy."

He nodded and sat quietly, soaking in the words I had spoken.   Then came the next question.

"Will you still love me in 10 years?"  This was another that I took time to consider.  It wasn't because I wondered whether or not I would still love him, because I easily knew the answer to that.  I was taking time to remember why I love him now, and how there could not be doubt of the knowledge of my love for him continuing through my life, well past 10 more years.

Memories of us flashed through my mind.  There were so many--of us at our best moments, and of us at our worst--but one was more vivid than all of the others.

5 weeks ago, I was in the middle of the most painful labor I had ever experienced.  I had been dilated to a 9 for four hours, but the baby would not drop down into the birth canal because my water hadn't broken yet and was so big that the baby couldn't move past it.  My midwife was concerned--if they broke my water and the baby's head came down first, I was okay.  But if the umbilical cord came first, I would immediately have an emergency C section.  So they waited, and adjusted my positions, hoping it would help either move the baby or break the water.

In the meantime I could feel every contraction, and my back was in such excruciating pain that there were moments I couldn't focus on anything else except the blackness of it.  I cried and tried to breathe, and visualize the baby moving down, but each time the contraction started up again, the blackness returned.  I felt like I would lose my mind to the pain, and honestly came to the point where I was convinced I would die within it.  The only thing that brought me back from the dark that threatened to consume me was the feeling of Ben's hand gripping mine, and the sound of his voice:

"Okay, here's another one....this one is really big, but you're almost at the top of it....okay, you're at the top, you'll start to go down soon.....breathe, keep breathing, you can do this.....okay!  You did it, you're going back down now.....you're almost there....you did it.  (a few moments later)  Alright, here comes another one--I know, I know, it's okay.....It's okay, you can do this, you can do this, keep breathing, in through the nose, out through the mouth, okay you're climbing to the top......"

He could not take the pain from me, but he was there inside of it, with me.  I focused on his voice and his hand, and fought the waves of blackness.

As I thought of this memory, it was symbolic to me of our 12 years together--through all of the mountains we have had to climb, we have been each other's constant.  Our voices offering laughter until we cried, words of love and support, sometimes frustration, but continuing to see the best in each other. Our hands gripping tightly, holding on as we faced some of our best accomplishments and biggest demons.  Together we have been the one temporal thing that has stayed the same through the darkness and the light.

I tried to picture replacing his voice with another's, his hand with someone else's, and could not do it.  I knew I loved him now, more than I ever had, and that in 10 years my love for him would hold another decade of memories and depth.

"Yes, of course I will love you in 10 years.  You are not only what I hoped to find, you are more.  I love you, Ben."  

"I love you, too," he replied.

We stared for a few minutes at the newest miracle we had created together, watching her tiny chest rise and fall.  With God as our guide, we had come through another year.

And I knew we would continue through many more.

north carolina, day 4 & 5. the beach and celebrating.

back when we were naive, in love, and child-less, we decided that a wedding 2 days after christmas was a genius idea.  10 years later, we realize that if we want to celebrate the day we promised to each other, it would most likely never take place on the actual day, but more likely several months either before or after it.

since most of our anniversary celebrations consist of a nice dinner and a couple of hours on our own, we decided that on our 10th, things would be different.  {which is a decision i'm grateful we made ahead of time--seeing that i took care of barfing children on our actual anniversary.  our already-set plan gave me something to look forward to amid vomit-filled laundry.}

and so, when carmella called to let us know she was engaged and we were invited, we decided to leave the kids with family in utah and celebrate our ten years the way we had planned so long ago:

less naive, still in love, and child-less {temporarily}.

we had less than 48 hours staying in the beach house on topsail island, NC, but we made those hours count.

a beautiful book.  my mind swallowed it up in 3 days, 

and left me crying on the plane as i read the chapter of her father's death.

we spent hours talking just like this.  about our past, present and future.

me reading excerpts from my book.

meanwhile, the sun spent hours turning our previously fair skin a nice shade of red--

despite our efforts with sunscreen.

face time with the kids, showing them how we could walk out of the doors

of the condo and feel sand beneath our toes within just a few feet.

after the phone call ended, we promised each other to bring 

these 3 pieces of our heart back with us one day.

 we went out to a fancy dinner one night.  

if i were asked what meal i would bring with me on a deserted island, 

i would strongly consider this bruschetta.  

i am a lover of bruschetta, and this one beat any i have tasted before.  i still dream about it.

what happened to ben's eye?  who knows.

the tourist shop, where ben told me to endure some form of psychotherapy while posing for this picture.

humidity!  my skin was in heaven, my hair was, well...

when i woke up in the morning, ben took one look at me and just said, 

WOAH.

and just like that, it was over.

as rain began to pour over the beautiful beach, blending into the waves, 

we found ourselves in the rental car on our way back to durham 

for our last night in north carolina.

3 287.17979 days

is how long i have been lucky enough to be his wife.

happy #9 benjamin!!

{on our 8th anniversary} the story of the rock heart. part 2.

so here we are, the group of us, just before we left for our 3 day backpacking trip.

notice my hair done & make-up on?  don't judge me, i was a novice.  

we enjoyed the ride down with windows open and chicago playing in the background.  {ben's oldest brother matt was driving & he is a forever lover of the 80's.}

we got to our first campsite and slept just outside the car.  the next morning we had "our last meal," egg burritos.  we filled up our water bottles, got our trail mix ready, and started off on the first leg of the hike.

i had no idea what i was in for.

the first few miles were a downhill descent through a crack in the middle of two rock walls that only allowed enough space for a human, not including our backpacks.  

much like this:

***picture provided by google.

so we had to belay the packs down with ropes.  as the group explained what we were doing and acted like this was no big deal, i knew at that point that i was in over my head.  and that was just the beginning.

but i kept going, pushing myself to physical limits i hadn't been pushed to before. the whole time watching ben with scrutinous eyes.  

the second day my knee was hurting, and we had stopped to rest for a few minutes and have lunch.  i tried not to complain because i didn't want to be a pansy...or have anyone regret that they invited me, so i just sat down on the rock, pulled off my knee brace and started rubbing my knee.  before i knew it, ben had grabbed my backpack and wrapped it around the front of his body, with his own backpack around the back.  he walked like this for about an hour.  i have a picture of him wearing both packs, but i couldn't find it.

on the second night, we had pitched our tents and finished dinner.  ben and i had some time alone.  he told me how much it meant to him that i was there, that he knew it was hard on me and he appreciated me so much for coming.  he told me why he loved nature so much, that when he's outside, he feels the closest to God.

 he gave me a rock that he had found.  it was small, and shaped like a heart.  i put it in my pocket, and then he kissed me.  even though we were sweaty and grimy and had dirt in our teeth, it didn't matter.  i knew i loved him.

the third day was the most brutal, and the day i saw my life flash before my eyes.

we had the choice to either hike up what was called a "scramble" and then it would be just one more mile to reach the car....or we could hike 7 more miles to get out to the car.  since i had no idea what a scramble was, and it sounded easy enough, i was excited to finish earlier than we planned and take the shortcut.  we were all tired, and the thought of getting to the car sooner was too tempting.

here is the best picture i could find of the "scramble":

***gracias again, google images, for the picture.

so how easy does that look?  for an inexperienced hiker like me, it didn't look easy at all.  but i kept hearing in my head, "just get up there, and then it's only one mile to the car!" so i started up after the others.  

there were two teenage guys behind us, about 17 yrs old or so.  they were several feet below us.  i was the last one in our group, and as the scramble started to get steeper, i became more nervous.  we were hiking up it at an angle, but my balance was off because i had my backpack on and i kept leaning back.  suddenly, my foot slipped and i started sliding doooooowwwn at a really fast pace.

the canyon echoed with my high-pitched shriek.  

"EEEEEEEEEEEEK!"

i stopped sliding, and tried to grip my hands into something that would hold, at the same time trying to get my footing.  phew!  i was stable.  i looked below me, and about 200 ft. down were the teenage boys, whose eyes were as big as headlights.  we exchanged scared glances as they easily did the math in their head....that if i went down, then i would probably be taking them with me.

i looked up, too scared to move, just in time to see both ben and troy climbing down as quickly as they could to help me.  finally they grabbed my hands and pulled me up to a more flat area of the scramble.  

by the time i finally made it to the top i was seriously exhausted.  i think i used every single muscle available to make it up that stupid "scramble" and wanted to kiss the dirt and rock-filled ground as i lay on it for a moment to rest.

we still had a mile to go to the car, and by this point i felt like my body was shutting down.  i had hurt my knee while climbing/crawling to the top, all of my water was gone, and it was over 100 degrees.  i felt like i could not go any further.  the rest of the group started on the mile, they were just as tired and wanted to get to the car as quickly as possible.  ben and his brother matt waited for me, and after about 5 minutes i was ready to go.  

but again, before i could put on my backpack, ben grabbed it and slung it over his front with his own still on his back.  he walked with me the whole way, giving me his water whenever i asked for it.  he offered me the m&m's in his trail mix...since he knew that was my favorite part.

 and finally, FINALLY, we were at the car.   

i remember driving away from the canyon, looking at the beautiful red rocks and arches.  i felt like i had conquered the world, because i knew that i had to dig deep in order to get through it, and also get through it without whining like a baby.  

 ***google images, we thank you.

i couldn't wait for a bathroom, a shower, a good meal.  a bed.

but i had learned a more important lesson than the fact that i could do hard things.  i thought back to how ben had treated me, and the words that my dad had said just a few days before.  ben's patience and kindness, his complete unselfishness.  he had never once treated me like i was slowing them down, when i know very well i probably was.  he wasn't bothered at all that i had greedily gulped down my water instead of rationing it, so that i had needed to drink his water.  in fact, he actually seemed grateful that i was relying on him.  he liked to help me.

these qualities about ben, it has been 8 years now.....and they are still the same.  it wasn't a front he wanted to portray while we were dating, he is as good as he led me to believe.  the words that my dad said to me during the blessing were true, and i am so grateful that i had that mini, 3-day experience to show me how things would be for the rest of my life with ben.

i have kept that rock heart, it's in my jewelry box now.  i showed him just a while ago that i still had it and he was surprised.  but i wanted to keep it as a reminder.

these past 8 years of being married to ben haven't been perfect, but they have been so, so good.  he reminds me all of the time what it means to really be married.  that it's about sacrifice, and unselfishness, forgiveness, humor, kindness, helping each other to reach the end, staying close to God, pushing ourselves to do hard things, and doing them together.  in fact, that's how we grow closer.

i love you, benjamin j.  thanks for an amazing 8 years!

{on the eve of our 8th anniversary} the story of the rock heart.

eight and a half years ago.....

a younger, less-stressed version of ben strader was dating a girl.  she was awesome. 

ben was {is still} an outdoors-y fella, and was very much so in the throes of being at-one-with-nature at the time of this story.  

they had been dating for about 7 or 8 months when ben decided it would be a good idea to invite that awesome girl on a backpacking trip through escalante, down into a canyon for a 3 day, 26 mile hike.

the girl, you know, the awesome one?  well even though she was in good shape & exercised a lot....was more of an indoors-y girl.  treadmills at the gym and pilates work-outs and such.

but the awesome girl wanted to give it a try.  she wanted ben to know that even if she was more of an indoors girl, she was willing to dive into his hobbies and be flexible.  she made her voice sound excited during the planning of this trip, even shopping with ben for some "real" hiking boots specifically for these upcoming 3 days.

but deep down, the awesome girl was nervous.  scared out of her mind, actually.  

how do i know this?

because she is me, and i am/was her.  

i know, i had you all fooled.

so yes i was completely scared to go on this backpacking trip.  i had never done anything like this before....aside from the occasional hour long hike on a date or whatever....but that was nothing like i was preparing myself for.   

also, i was going with a group of experienced hikers.  ben's siblings loved backpacking as much as he did.  they all had the gear, the lingo, the shoes, the mole skin....do you even know what mole skin is?  well before that trip, i didn't.  i thought they were literally referring to the skin off of a mole.  and i thought they were all a little nuts to own a mole's skin, let alone to bring that backpacking. 

as the trip drew closer i became more anxious.  one thing i was particularly concerned about was my knees.  i have had awful knee problems ever since i can remember.  the un-medical term for it is water on the knee....and it's on both of mine.  i used to have to come home after my ballet class and ice both of my knees for a couple of hours to bring down the swelling.  i finally had to quit dance because of it, and instead tried the swim team, which seemed to help.  i had knee braces, but i had always been leery of big hikes because of my knees.  hiking seemed to make the pain & swelling worse.

so anyway.

i became so nervous about this trip that the night before i left, i asked my dad to give me a father's blessing, so that i could feel some comfort.

i remember thinking that he would bless me with strength and abilities to have my body cooperate on this trip.  or something along those lines.

however, the blessing said absolutely nothing about my body's endurance or strength.

the words my father spoke only mentioned ben.  he said to watch ben carefully on this trip....how he treated me.  whether it was with patience and kindness and respect, because this trip would mirror the way that he would treat me the rest of my life.

now at this point in the story, neither ben nor i had mentioned the big M word.  we were both pretty commitment-phobic, and even though we'd been dating much longer than most in our culture, we were a-okay with where we were at in the present time and not really talking too much about a future together.

so when my dad said that to me, i remember peeking up at him, turning my head to the side and furrowing my eyebrows as if to say without saying, "HUH?"  but i kept quiet.  my dad hugged me after the blessing was finished and told me that he felt impressed to say what he did.  

i wondered if i should mention it to ben, but decided not to tell him anything, and just watch him instead.  he had no idea, but he had just been put under a microscope for our 3 days in the wilderness together.

TO BE CONTINUED...

and just for fun, here is one of our "songs" while we were dating. whoever made this video was clearly into doing things up sappy, but it was the best recording of it.  enjoy.