San Antonio.

Hold on to me, as we go.

As we roll down this unfamiliar road.

And although this wave is stringing us along

Just know you're not alone

'Cause I'm gonna make this place your

Home.

--"Home"

Phillip Phillips

On a Tuesday morning, I pressed my nose to the glass cutout in our new front door.  Cars zoomed forward, then slowed as they braked for the speed bump, right in front of our house.  There was a lot of life moving around, just feet away from where I stood.  For me though, the life was foreign and felt very overwhelming.  I watched for a few minutes more, just like this.  Nose to glass, sighing every now and then.  Feeling the weight of it all.

We had rolled into San Antonio in the early evening the day before.  Ben, Caleb and Claire were ahead in the minivan while Leah, June and I followed in our white car.  It had been a long 3 day trip full of sad goodbyes, dead car batteries, washing laundry in a hotel until 2 am, and trading off sleeping sideways on a queen-sized bed next to two extremely rowdy little sleepers.  We had fun along the way though, mixed into the normal chaos.  Frozen yogurt stops, swimming, and dance parties to loud music in the car.  

I stared at the green trees lining the highway as we drove through our new city, trying hard to tell myself that one day this would all be familiar instead of new and somewhat intimidating.  As we turned onto our new street, kids playing soccer scattered out of the way of our caravan-ing cars.  This is good, I thought.  Lots of families.  

We parked in front of our new home, and I took a picture as the three oldest kids ran up the green front yard onto our porch.  Ben found the hidden key, and unlocked it.  I could hear the squeals and yells of excitement as they barreled through the entryway.  I picked up Claire from where she was waiting patiently in her car seat, handed her to Ben, and walked into our new home.  

We searched each room, noticing the size of them, the insides of the closets, the number of sinks.  It had a good feeling inside of it, with a lot of space and light.  We walked out on the back porch, and I smiled at all of the green facing us.  There were no homes behind ours, just masses of trees so thick you couldn't see through to the other side of them.  

Ben, Caleb and I unpacked our cars, and met neighbors who came outside to introduce themselves.  Our first family meal was Chick-Fil-A, eaten at 10 pm, while sitting on the floor.  Then we unrolled sleeping bags, brushed teeth, changed clothes, said a family prayer, and after finally winding down from the excitement, fell asleep. 

It has now been almost 3 weeks since the first morning we woke up in our new house, and I pressed my nose to the glass on a Tuesday.  

Some people look at a big move to a big city as a big adventure.  Ben is one of them.  I am not--but I'm trying.  I signed on to this move, with 100% support, knowing it would be difficult for my personality.  I am a lover of comfort zones, and for the past few years have felt such an intense need for setting down roots that the knowledge we are still several more years and a couple of more moves away from that makes me want to openly weep and then crawl into a hole.  And then take a big long nap.  (But that last part is irrelevant--naps always sound like a great idea, to me.)

The three weeks here have been nothing short of a little ridiculous.  The first week, Claire got a major fever, then June started up right behind her.  Soon every single one of our family was hit with some sort of a major flu bug, except for me.  June and Claire had it the worst, I have never seen June this sick.  Every night she would throw up from coughing, and her fever was 104 for 4 full days.  We had no insurance, no money, no belongings aside from one pillow and blanket for everyone, a few toys, some clothes, a couple of towels, a T.V. and a very small amount of kitchen supplies.  When June would throw up on what we had brought, we would do laundry in one of the bathroom tubs, and went without our own pillows and blankets.  

The second week, we discovered a mold problem in our master bathroom.  We're grateful they repaired it quickly, but this entire week was spent cooped up while waiting for them to finish.  Two days ago, we found a scorpion in Caleb's room.  After panicking a bit and trying to find creative ways to remove everything off of the floors we had been using as our dressers, we got a pest control company in here and bought traps.  Fingers crossed the scorpions are managed.

We are on week three now, still without our belongings.  Luckily, Ben is finally a legit member of the army, we have insurance, our friends lent us a card table, chairs, and a couple of games, June is back to her hilarious self, we were paid a portion of our move reimbursement, we are learning to live with less, and I have finally made peace with the laundromat and the homeless "regulars" who initially terrified me.  Not only that, but we've felt the love of our family and friends from far away.  They have checked in on us with phone calls, and texts, sent letters or packages...and those things have meant the absolute world to us.   

This life will take some getting used to, I know.  It will take a lot of pushing and stretching, again.  These are the parts that are uncomfortable, but bring the most growth--when I can look back at them. 

In the meantime, I'm trying to stay sane in this big, empty house that I can't feel settled into yet without our pictures and curtains and furniture.  I'm trying to get out and drive and find libraries and parks and fun things for our kids to do.  I'm trying to not let loneliness swallow me up, and walk outside to meet neighbors and make an effort.  

San Antonio is beautiful, and the people of Texas are friendly, and I'm trying.  

And it will take time.  

soul-cracking.

this week has been a tough one, in many different ways.  and though there has been beauty and God and love so thick i could almost taste it intricately woven in between the tough, i can very easily say i am drained.  hopeful, but drained.

this morning i found myself two hours before church sitting on the floor of june's room, crying into a pillow to muffle the sobs that came from somewhere deep down in the depths.  it was a mixture of overwhelming exhaustion, frustration, and extreme sadness.   i didn't know how to button up the emotion so i could continue functioning through my sunday morning, and even if i had known how, it would have been taking steps backward from where i have learned to push through.  express, don't repress.  isn't that how the saying goes?

so i sat there letting the tears slide down my face, praying as i cried into the dark teal of the pillow and the white canvas of the ikea chair.  please carry me, i said silently.  i know things could be harder, but right now, this feels like too much.  

my kids were in my bedroom that i had left minutes before, but i heard june's mama!  mom?  mo-ooooommmm! coming closer.  ben intervened before she made it to the door i was closed behind.  mom's sleeping, i heard him say.  she'll wake up in a minute, okay?  i heard june's soft okay,  and knew that ben knew where i was and what i was doing.  he was explaining something that june could understand, so she would give me space and time to recover.

i did recover, finally releasing all of the tears and unleashing all of the frustration until i felt ready to face the world again.  a hot shower relaxed sore muscles, and i worked on getting ready for church with my family.  the rest of the day i have felt like i have been carried, and peace has come into my overwhelmed heart.

there is so much i want to write, but i have to hold back because it was not my pain that produced the tears, it was another's whose suffering has been so acute.  it feels mean just typing that, because i can't really go into details about this week, only to say a few random things.

this:  abuse, in all of its many forms, is so ugly.  when it happens to a child the ugly is magnified and compounded, put upon innocence that is too young to be able to comprehend and fully heal from the dark, twisted, and truly evil of the world.  sometimes just the knowledge of the burden that is placed upon abused children can overwhelm my spirit to the point that it feels so heavy it aches.

this:  i bear my testimony, again, about therapy.  finding a good therapist is a gift straight from God, one who can be the vessel to crack the thick, sometimes bullet-proof shell that has been built for years to protect from the ugly and twisted.  when the shell is cracked, it can feel like the soul and spirit are going to crack right along with it.  but i promise, it does get better.

this:  i am so grateful for those who are willing to be vulnerable, to share their pain with the world  unselfishly and without the need for validation, but in the way that others can learn from it, and not feel so alone.  i listened to a beautiful girl speak into a microphone today, doing just this.  vulnerability takes courage and true humility.  she touched my heart as she cried and spoke Truth to those who were open to hear it.

this:  we are officially insane, because we are moving again.  only one street over, in the exact same model as the house that had mold in it, only my fingers and asthmatic lungs are crossed that this one is as mold-free as it looks.  july 1st is our move-in date, so this little therapeutic internet space may be neglected more so than it already is.  or maybe it will be my outlet, saving me from drowning amid boxes and packing tape?

this:  caleb is getting baptized this coming saturday morning.  i'm hoping i can get my act together  in between packing to make it a special day, because it feels so special to both ben and i.  we love our first and only boy so much, with his sweet heart and strong spirit.

this:  ben is one of the most amazing men i have ever known.  and i am not saying this because i am his wife, because others feel this way who are not his wife.  he continues to astound me and i thank God i was somehow chosen to have the privilege of knowing intimately just how incredible he is, walking through life to watch his courage and unselfishness continue with all he is carrying.

this:  music heals me in the same way the written word does.  much more so than chocolate ever has.

this:  we are surrounded by good people.  i have not been feeling well this week, and had friends reach out to let me know they cared.  ben's uncle pat passed away yesterday, and we were stranded without a baby-sitter while i was in phoenix and ben was trying to be with his aunt and lend his support.  after some phone calls and texts, friends and ward members rallied around to help where we needed it.  our kids were happy and fed and sad for us to pick them up.  living away from family is so hard during times like this, unless you can find yourself living among others who are examples of selflessness and kindness.  we are so grateful.

want to see what finding mold in your house looks like??

since our 8 months of living in a house with mold in it, i've had several friends ask me how we found out that we did, in fact, have mold.  we were initially suspicious because we had actually found mold in our downstairs closet, from a leak that had been going for months.  but there's a difference in finding mold in your house, and then having it in the air, causing legitimate, and potentially scary, health problems. 


we had been having health problems for months....and the thought was in the back of my mind that it could possibly be more problems with mold, but i continued to try to dismiss it.  that is, until i was coughing up blood, both of my kids had their first-ever ear infections {caleb was 6, leah was 2} and vomiting so hard from the ear infections that blood vessels had burst in their eyes and cheeks, caleb's legs were causing him so much pain that he couldn't walk, suddenly both caleb and i were diagnosed with asthma {which we had not had problems with before}, leah was on a nebulizer to help her breathe, and we just could not get well.  and i was watching both of my kids lose color and weight in a speed that was alarming to me.  they weren't bouncing back after the illnesses, they would just get another one.  and another.   


then, my brother and his wife came for a visit.


my SIL is allergic to penicillin, and within a couple of hours of being in our home, felt her throat closing up and tightness in her chest.  when they would leave and get out into open air, those symptoms would go away.  


so, we bought one of those mold take-home kits before we called in an expert, to see what would happen.  you're supposed to buy more than one test {found at home depot or lowe's for around $10/each}, so you can take a q-tip sample from at least two separate places.  one of those tests is supposed to be used to sample outside, and one inside the home.


the truth is, everywhere is going to have some sort of mold.  what you're looking for is how much, and especially the type of mold you find.


instead of testing our outside though, we decided to take one sample from our upstairs master bathroom {where we knew several leaks had sprung and leaked through the floor boards into our downstairs ceiling and was most likely the most mold-full place}, and then the other sample was from our closet underneath our stairs {where we had actually found mold growing from a separate leak and the mold experts had apparently "completely cleaned and sanitized," thinking it would be the least likely place to grow mold}.  


anyway, we swabbed, and let our petri dishes do their thang.  


within one week, this is what grew.  brace yourself:

EW.  right?  the one on the left is the one from the downstairs closet, the one on the right was from the master bathroom floor.  


when we had the actual mold and air specialist look at these, he said that clearly the downstairs closet had not been accurately cleaned, but he called the mold from the master bathroom much more serious, because it was a "cocktail" of different types.  the colors, the fuzziness, etc.   


so if you're concerned that you may have mold in your home, i suggest starting with one of these take-home kits.  if scary stuff shows up.....like it did with ours....then call in the expert.  


i look at what was going on in our lives a year ago, and sometimes i can't believe it.  i have never seen my kids that sick, or been that sick myself in my entire life.  it just did not stop.  


to be honest, it's still really hard for me to think any positive thoughts toward the property management company who was so shady and dishonest {R & C Real Estate--locals, DO NOT USE THEM!!}, threatening us with a lawyer instead of trying to do the right and ethical thing, and help us. i wanted to show up at their office with my pregnant belly, my new asthma inhaler, my poor little boy who couldn't walk, my daughter with her nebulizer strapped on her face, and ask them how they could sleep at night, knowing how they had treated some of the few decent people left on earth.  


when i saw the house up for sale several months ago, i made sure to call the listing agent to report the mold.  she acted suspicious and asked me who i was, and i let her know we had been the family renting it, who all got sick from the mold problem.  she said they knew about the mold, and it was in the report for the house.  


and now the home sits vacant.  it's been almost a year since we've left, and no one has occupied it.  i drive by it, walk by it, and i just feel sad about the whole thing.  i'm so, so grateful we're no longer there.  i'm so grateful that even though moving in 2 weeks while i was 7 months pregnant, and ben was writing his 25 page end-of-the-year paper was crazy-stressful, and really hard in all sorts of ways, that we did it.  


caleb still has asthma.  mine has improved, and only shows up when i'm exercising hard core.  our family has been only normal-sick, and not moldy-house-sick.  leah has put weight back on, and has only used the nebulizer once this winter.


so yes, it was a hard time last year.  we moved to a smaller house, and are paying more in rent.  that's not easy either, but it has been so worth it.  because i can't imagine what the mold house would have done to sweet little june's immune system.  and i'm glad i never have to find out.

whoever said black was slimming...

obviously did not see me today.

 34 weeks.

this morning i woke up and realized i had forgotten to iron the shirt i was supposed to wear to church.  so to save time, i opted for a non-maternity, linen black dress that was very unforgiving as far as material goes.  i was worried each time i sat down that i was going to pop a stitch, and that seams would start unraveling before my very eyes.

luckily that didn't happen.

i was also glad that i had learned my lesson as far as non-maternity nylons go and haven't made that mistake again.   what was i thinking back then??

but this was also the day that i got my first comments of, "any day now, huh?"  and "woah, you do look pregnant!"

which are always so fun for the self-esteem.  i actually don't really care about those comments so much because, well, i am in fact pregnant.  there is a baby growing in there and i am a somewhat compact {kind word for short} individual, so where else is the baby going to show up?

but other than that, how am i feeling?

well surprisingly, much much better than i was a month ago.  or two months ago.  or six months ago.  i had no idea how much the moldy environment of our last house was making me feel seriously miserable.  

so now i just have the normal pregnancy uncomfortable-ness, but not the misery that i felt before we moved.  i'm so grateful for that, and am also grateful that i got the chance to feel the difference before i popped this child out.  because i had sworn off of future children, based solely on how i had felt for 7 months of living.  now?  well, i'm not making any promises....just grateful that i got the opportunity to realize that it wasn't just pregnancy that was making me feel so awful.

6 weeks left, friends!!

moving. is. chaos.

i love this picture.

we are done.  

well, out of the moldy house, anyway.

now we are getting the new place together.

it has been a long and stressful week and a half, 

and there are so many people that stepped in to help us.

it makes me want to cry just thinking about it,

how grateful i feel.

because i know how sore and tired i am, 

with all that went on.  i pushed myself.

i did try to take it easy, 

and took multiple breaks

and moments to sit down

or just literally crash on a bed.

but i also know how many boxes i didn't lift and carry,

or even pack and unpack.

and how many meals i didn't have to cook,

and how many loads of mold-infested laundry that i didn't wash,

and how many cupboards i didn't fill,

and how many beds/shelves/dressers i didn't put back together.

and i know those who did do those things so that i didn't have to.

so an enormous thank you

to all those involved in our emergency move.

from the bottom of my heart, and the top of my big belly.

the house that mold built.

 i don't know if this is what i look like now, 

but this is what i looked like around the same time 

when i was pregnant with leah.  

a little over 7 months.

since i last left you, much has changed.

here is the run-down, complete with bullet points.

• the owner of the home & rental property management company refused to send out a professional to check and see if there was current mold in the home.  instead, they said that we could be released from our contract early, with no penalties, and with our full initial deposit.
• we replied, with an email stating not only did we have rights as tenants to live in a safe & habitable home, but that we had some pretty severe health concerns that we were worried about.  and tried to appeal to them one more time, asking them to do the right thing and send someone out to just eliminate the thought of mold.
• they replied with a letter from a lawyer, saying they didn't think it was mold, and that our only options were to either take their offer to vacate early, or any medical problems from that day on would be on our hands & they wouldn't be liable.
• can i just say, at this point.....everything they're doing is totally shady??  i'm just going to put that out there.
• we say that we will move, and cash our deposit check the same day that we enter a lawyer's office.  unfortunately we can't afford anything but the city's pro-bono lawyers, who take 2 weeks to contact us back.  the end of that 2 week window is next friday.
• i set up an appointment to see an allergist, to hopefully get a mold allergy test done, just to make sure.
• we frantically look for houses, and become somewhat depressed at our choices due to our financial situation.
• we find a house!  really close to where we already live, same ward, same schools, and thank the maker....it will be ready by this week, and comes with what seems like a really decent owner.  someone who actually cares about his tenants and wants them to be happy and take care of his house.  a commodity these days, it seems.  we are both going down in size and going up in rent, but other than that we are happy with the change. 
• i get sick again on thursday, a weird sickness.  started with a nosebleed, my first real one in years.  then the rest came on fast, dizziness, a strong headache, and sick to my stomach.  exhausted but unable to sleep.  
• friday i go into the allergist, to be told that they are unable to do the actual mold testing on me because i'm pregnant & allergy tests can sometimes put people into anaphylactic shock.  fair enough.  but instead, they test my lung capacity.  and i test at 80%, which they told me was the minimum they accept.  they have me do a breathing treatment for 10 minutes, and then test me again.  to find that i am now at a 99%.  so i am diagnosed with full-blown ashtma, which i have never had before.  well no wonder i get dizzy and winded now when i climb the stairs.  i told myself i'd be a little more gentle with my self-esteem when i'm huffing and puffing on the treadmill in the future too. she prescribed two inhalers, a nasal spray and allergy meds & told me that if i don't improve within two weeks, i have to start a steroid.  which i guess they wanted to initially avoid because of the fetus.  immediately set up an appointment for the kids to get tested, since our insurance won't cover ben, but they will cover children.
• checked into a hotel that night with the kids.  ben had to stay home to work on his paper, which we knew he wouldn't get done if he were in a hotel room with us.  at the risk of his own health, i guess.
• my dad & stepmom were nice enough to help us cover the cost of a mold specialist, who came today and took samples from our air and our ceiling.  he immediately found moisture in our ceiling, from the leaks that happened in december & january, which were the cause for our concern that there was mold.  we'll have to wait one week for the results.
• i brought the kids back to the house today for naptime/quiet time, so that i could try to pack.  my friend andrea came over, and we tore apart the garage, which had almost all of the belongings from the closet that actually had visible mold in it, found in november.  we worked for a couple of hours, which in that short time i had a major allergy attack.
• andrea texted me tonight, telling me that she has broken out in about 20 or 30 spots on her body.  this has happened to her before.  guess when?  oh that's right, in november, when she was sitting on our couch & using a blanket from the moldy closet.  both she and ben got the same spots, within a day of each other.  we didn't know what had caused it, and at that time didn't even know there was mold. 
• i am now back in the hotel room with the kids, and couldn't be more grateful for it.  they {meaning leah} are not the easiest to get to sleep in hotel rooms, but i will take it over their instant runny noses and coughing when we came home today.  and my allergies have cleared up.  so you do the math.
• this week is going to be nuts.  trying to move out of a house when i can't live in it to pack it, while ben is trying to finish up his huge yearly paper, trying to frantically fight these completely dishonest people before it's too late, trying to take others up on their offers to help even if it means at the risk of their own health, and trying to stay sane through it all.

on another, bullet-free note, tomorrow is mother's day.  

being a mom is job full of a lot of responsibility.  

sometimes i get overwhelmed with worry that i'm severely messing it up.

but i watched my two kids tonight, as we were getting ready for bed, and reading and laughing and singing and saying prayers. 

i love moments where i can sit back and take a purposeful breather from my role as their mom and just watch them. 

and realize what beautiful, and good little people they are. 

they bring such pure joy to my life, 

and i am grateful that i am blessed to be a part of theirs.

i don't care what else happens tomorrow, 

as long as i get to spend it with these two.

shaking things up.

{easter sunday, 2011.  

a visit from my favorite brother ty & his wife kirsten.  

i just love these two.}

so these past few weeks have felt like nothing but "to do" lists, mixed with a little bit of fun.  mixed with the usual strader sickness.

***********

ahhhhhh, the irony.  literally as soon as i finished typing that sentence, i heard leah gagging in her monitor and ran up the stairs two-at-a-time {which is difficult in my blooming state.  i use "blooming" to make myself sound more pretty than i look.  like i'm a blossoming flower or something. ha!} and snatched her out of her crib to rush her quickly to barf in the toilet.  we made it, for the most part, luckily missing the carpet in her room but making sure to hit both rugs in the bathroom, her blankets, and covering both of our clothes.

i'm not sure about other kids, but both of mine seriously make things more difficult on themselves and me while throwing up.  it doesn't matter what i'm trying to do to help them, whether it's trying to get them to hold their head over the toilet, or a bowl, or a towel.  trying to calm them down, and hold them to make them feel better.  they arch their bodies and reject whatever help i'm offering, screaming in between gags and shoving my hands away, or specifically tonight, leah turning into me to try to get me to hold her to my chest as she continued.

i'm sorry, but unless we want to have both of us barfing at the same time, i could not have her facing me and aiming it for me.  then who was going to hold my hair back?  i joke, sort of.

i get that it's scary for them to throw up, i still get scared myself when i know that throwing up is coming & inevitable for me.  so i get it, but. 

but, ugh.  by the end of poor little leah's gagorific experience, we were both stressed out and smelling awful.  i put her in the bath and set to work cleaning it all up.  

she is now in bed, smelling again like my sweet baby girl, but still coughing.  i'm typing with the baby monitor next to me, pausing every time she coughs.....which is like every 5 seconds....to hear if it's a benign or concerning one.  where i need to risk my life to fly up the stairs again.

back to what i was writing before this.....

**************

we're trying to move.  and quickly.  due to the fact that all fingers....and petri dishes..... are pointing to a mold problem in this house.  it's fun thinking about this and then google searching, "pregnancy and mold exposure."  try to not be paranoid after that one.

so ben is in finals, leah & caleb are rotating respiratory and stomach illnesses every week, and i'm trying to stay healthy and keep going.  trying to find a house, trying to clean out what we already have, trying to set up mold exposure testing for all of us, trying to fight the owners of this house to do what is morally and ethically right.  not just for us, but for any future tenants here.  trying to get caleb's health issues manageable and ready for the future.  trying to get his paperwork done for first grade for different needs that he has.  among other stressful things that are completely un-related to any of these issues.  

it's not as devastating as i'm making it sound.  i'm not devastated anyway.  but it is reality.  it is busy and it is non-stop, without any reassurance right now that it will slow down sometime soon. 

there are blessings surrounding us.  so many good people in our lives, those who are willing to help and listen and love us.  i have a lot of support and i'm grateful for it.  i have been repeatedly reminded that God is aware of us, even though sometimes i can feel so insignificant and that my worries are so tiny.  but i am always reaffirmed that they are not, that i am not.

and also, after i got over that initial hump of feeling overwhelmed, i'm just trying to take things in stride.  instead of focusing on what i had hoped this time would be, and how it has turned out to be different....different doesn't always have to be bad, it's just different.  this is just our new reality, for now.

something inside of me has changed i think.  it took some hard experiences to make me realize that i am different, and in a good way.  i have been digging deep for a long time now, and it is starting to pay off in ways that i can actually see and feel, in ways that others are noticing and are tangible.  

i no longer take the burdens of others and carry them as mine.  that in itself is huge.  it doesn't mean i am callous, and unable to mourn with those who mourn.  there is a difference and i am finding the balance between them.  because that is something that is a good part of me that i don't want to change.  but for those experiences that try to make me take two steps backwards, i no longer let them.  and the feeling of peace that has come from doing things the right way for me, instead of out of guilt, well.  it felt so foreign at first and is now becoming a feeling that i am getting used to.

and letting myself feel things, instead of stuffing them down.  even if those feelings are sad, or angry, or upset, or overwhelmed.  i feel them, own them, work through them, and then the best part is....i get over them.  i let them go.

stuffing them down didn't make them go away, it actually made me feel them over and over and over again as they leaked out in other ways.  and i'd find myself crying over a commercial, or angry at the birds cheerfully chirping outside of my window.  so this is new stuff here.

i get that these things may not feel big to some, but they are huge to me.

i'm not finished by any means.  baby steps of progress.  but still, it's something.

i'm so grateful that ben is not just standing next to me during this time, but actually my biggest cheerleader.  supporting me in a way i never knew he could....only because the situation hadn't presented itself very often.  i don't even have to ask for it, which is also so nice.  he urges me forward, he tells me how proud he is of me, how he's grateful for this person i'm becoming.  and even though i don't need that to keep going down this path, it sure feels nice.  oh my goodness i just love him.

i know not much of this makes sense, and if i had more time & energy to go into my thoughts i would expound. 

and on that note of random blogging, leah is crying again.  so now, i'm going to go lay on the air mattress outside of her room, {which honestly is much easier than having to get up 10 times on nights like these} and try to sleep.

and hope that i can again carry her to the bathroom in time.