expressions.

mad face.

sad face.

excited face.

happy face.

scared face.

serious face.

i love this face.

the price of freedom, part 3 of 3

in my mind, i am still 20 years old.

i'm just past my teenage years, riding in the red cabriolet convertible i wrote about so long ago, the windows down in my carseat-free car, hair blowing, music blasting, and i'm singing along as loudly as i can.  my face is wrinkle-free, without my tired under-eye circles, my hair isn't falling out due to the loss of hormones after having a baby.

i'm playing house in our 3 bedrooms 2 bathrooms, these lovely children are little people who i am supposed to return back to their real parents in just a hour or two.  i'm too young for them to belong to me.

i don't answer to anyone but myself, only worry about my own finances, and don't spend a minute of time thinking about my future.  i live only in today.

i can drive as long and far as i want to.  i'm not concerned about nap times, or dinner, or homework and piano practicing.  or waking at 6 a.m. to correct someone else's 25-page paper before a deadline.

i think about frivolous things: the cute shoes i want to buy, what i'm doing for the weekend, which concert is coming up that i want to go to, the phone call with the boy i'm dating, how i'm going to make next month's rent after buying those cute shoes.

i don't think about double ear infections and high fevers, or when to set a firmer consequence, or having to hear who just poked who in the back of the car, or figuring out how to teach empathy, compassion, and integrity in another human.  i don't work through ups and downs of a marriage.  a strong, good marriage... but a marriage nonetheless.

i am still 20.

and i am free.

then i happen to glance in my rear view mirror.

the rear-view mirror that reveals i am actually in a newly-purchased mini-van, surrounded by car seats.

my hair is not blowing in the wind, because the windows are all rolled up.  the soundtrack to "curious george" playing on the speakers.  i no longer sing loudly, i hum absentmindedly along to tunes that i have been listening to repeatedly for 4 years straight.  i know every word of every song, every instrumental change in every chorus.

i see my eyes, and they are tired. a result of too many sleepless nights with sick children in the past few years.  my skin is worn, with more wrinkles than i'd like to believe. {why did i ever tan my face? a very poor decision.} my hair is limp, sprouting the post-baby regrowth along my hairline.

in the mirror i see the 3 children behind me.  my children, with marks left behind from them on my body as reminders.  one is asleep, clutching her soft blankie for comfort, her plastic linky-rings dangling from the handle of her car seat.  another is crying, calling for me, telling me her ears are hurting.  my words of attempted reassurance last only seconds, until she cries out again.  and the last one is uncharacteristically quiet in the back, staring out the window, watching the cars pass by.  he is content.

our home has dishes piled, and clean laundry piled, and toys strewn about.  there are weeds that need to be picked in the front yard, cars that need to be washed, filters in a humidifier that need to be changed.  and dare i admit it....christmas that still needs to be taken down.  results of the week we have had, a week i title coping.

financially, i worry constantly.  i stay up too late working to bring in extra income, my husband is gone long hours after school is over to bring in extra income, i count the days until the student loan comes through, the taxes can be finished and the return on its way, the paycheck deposited.  

we consistently work to keep our marriage off of a back-burner and on a front-burner.  to prioritize each other, to spend time with each other that matters, connecting and re-connecting after many days apart. it is not always easy to do, and takes effort and planning.



i am going to be honest here.....there are moments that i long to be my 20-year old self again.  

to be free of anxiety that was spurred by seizures and spinal taps, hospital visits, IV's and tests and orthotic casts for tiny legs.  constantly feeling it resurface when illness hits our home.  to be free of real financial concerns, free of the nagging feeling that i am potentially messing up my children by whatever i have or have not done during the day.  to be free of the hours of 3 p.m.-10 p.m. where i am on my own so often, doing it all with little people who have so many needs that i can't answer at once, only to then begin all of my other responsibilities well into the night.  to be free from answering to someone almost all of the time.

there are moments when i itch for an escape, for the real parents to walk through the door, take the unfolded laundry out of my hands, wiping the toddler's messy face as they pass by, thanking me for a job well done, telling me they can take it from here, turning the role of supportive wife and constant caretaker over to someone more competent than i am.

as i hop into my car-seat-free car, roll down the windows, turn up the music, and drive away.

but, there is a price of freedom.

freedom from the difficult and tiring means i pay the price of so much good.  

freedom from the anxiety of illness in my children means i pay the price of learning what it truly means to surrender my will to God's, and the memory of when i first learned to want another's well-being over my own.  and the overwhelming gratitude that came when those scary days of colic and seizures became less and less frequent.

freedom from under-eye circles means never knowing what it feels like to hear a tiny, sweet voice cry out for my name in the middle of the night, and answering those cries with comfort just by my touch.  no longer being able to rock a baby back to sleep, or pray with a little one for God to take away the scary dreams.

freedom from financial hardship means losing the knowledge of what it means to sacrifice, to save, to feel true humility and appreciation for the help of others.  knowing the difference between needs and wants.  learning how to never pay full price for anything.

freedom from a currently messy home means losing the feeling of satisfaction after hard work.  a home where i have been given the opportunity of creating a colorful and creative space, one that is full of light and has a feeling of peace and love within its walls.

freedom of the hours from 3 p.m. to 10 p.m. means losing some of the sweetest and best times of the day.  the smell of a fresh fuzzy baby head just after a bath, hearing the words of a toddler saying a family prayer, reading and being read to by a young boy who is growing up too quickly.  peeking in on them every night after they've gone to sleep, kissing their cheeks and whispering in their ears how good they are, and how much i love them.

freedom from a marriage means losing the feeling of unconditional love, safety, comfort, teamwork, stability, happiness, a place where i belong.  working together for a common purpose. knowing someone depends on me, counts on me, needs me and wants me, and that i return the same.  


so yes.

there is freedom in a car-seat-free car, with my 20-year-old self.  where the music is loud and the worries are minor.

but i prefer buckling my children into their car seats, climbing in my mini-van, rolling up the windows, humming along, answering their requests, looking forward to their dad coming home, and staring back into my tired, 31-year-old eyes in the rearview mirror with a satisfied smile on my face.

to give all of this up?  

no way.

because for me, the price of freedom is too great.

***can you believe i finally finished this series?  it has been so so long, and i'm sure anyone who read the first two parts probably thought i had long forgotten.  i never did, i always knew what i wanted to say....i just couldn't figure out how to say it.  and today, i did.  it's much less humorous than the first two parts, and i decided not to include anymore of our past car history like i had originally intended, but what can i do?  it's just the time of life i'm in, i guess.  less humorous, more thoughtful.  but there it is anyway.  let it be written, let it be known.  hope you liked it.

{the price of freedom, part 1}
{the price of freedom, part 2}

christmas eve~ in pictures

eyelashes.

this sweet baby girl has been sick--like, legit sick.  {i guess sick is a relative thing.....by this time in caleb's 5 month life he had been in the hospital about half a dozen times already.}  you know, fever, vomiting, a cough that sounds like she swallowed a bag of Pop Rocks.

we came home from texas with 3 sick kids who have been pretty miserable.  caleb has had the least of it, but that's because he took care of his portion of illness on the ride home, holding a garbage bag to repeatedly vomit into while we drove.

june being sick has shown me just what a calm, happy personality she really does have.  it's one thing to be cheerful when you feel fabulous, it's another to throw up everything, having it come out of both nostrils, and then to have her look up at me with her sweet face and smile and coo.

her already-long eyelashes are darkening, just like my other kids at 5 months.

it's funny because with her being such a content baby, you'd think i would leave her alone more than my other two who seemed to need constant attention.  but it's turned out to be the opposite, where i can't get enough of holding her and kissing her cheeks and feeling her chubby hands on my face, even if there is slobber all over them.

i'm so grateful for my kids, even if they're tired and cranky {the oldest two anyway} and not feeling well.  it gives me a chance to comfort them, and serve them.

i've been reading several things that have made me put things back in perspective and look outside of my own quarantined home.

stories about real suffering, and loss, grief and heartache.

An Inch of Gray


Lloyd Family Love


Rockstar Ronan


reading words that bring me to tears, and help me to hug those i love closer, longer.  with more intention.  to know it could change in an instant.

ben and i listened to this talk yesterday {a favorite in the strader household},

be of good cheer

and i found peace again, listening to knowledge, and truth, and insight full of faith and love.


i'm going now, to do more laundry, wipe more snotty noses, give more hugs, smooch my husband when he comes home after the sun is down tonight, and sit in awe and gratitude as i witness more eyelashes darken.

happy 2012!!

last year's theme was acceptance.  and i must say, i'm not there 100%, but i sure am a lot farther along in that process than i was a year ago.  i have proof of it, and at some point i'll write about the proof.


i've been trying to find one word for 2012 to work on, and know generally what i'm looking for, but want to be more specific.  i feel like even though choosing one theme sounds more generic than a list of  detailed resolutions, i find that it actually causes me to work daily on changing who i am, and it's more effective for me.


anyway, when i find it i'll write about it {also helpful for me, to put it down to remember}.  but for now, a look back on 2011....


i went through my blog posts and couldn't believe just how much has changed for us.  an unexpected pregnancy, changing emotionally unhealthy pieces of me to mold who i aspire to be, an emergency move, caleb's broken arm with surgeries included, the birth of sweet baby june, the passing of my grandma, ben charging through the hardest semester of school so far, a lot of really great memories with family and friends, starting a new job, and more than anything,


continuing to find happiness.


2011 wasn't a breeze by any stretch of the imagination.  but what it did show me is that yet again, i can push myself to stretch in ways i haven't before.  i've been telling myself "i can do hard things" for 2 years now, and when i look back, i see that it's actually true.  not just do them, but go through them with an ability to believe of good things to come on the other side of them.  


i know that life is full of difficulties, and i may have not even cracked the surface of those to come in my life, but i do believe that this year was about laying a foundation for those times.  to let optimism override pessimism, to choose to rise above any situation, having faith that there is a God in heaven above who is mindful of me and my family.


i have felt that so many times this year.


so here's to more love, more faith, more courage to change, more gratitude, more humility, more honesty, more happiness.


here we come, 2012!  


now let's see if those mayans know what they're talking about.  :)

the surprise.

here is a picture of ben's oldest brother matt, and his wife jennie.

matt is honestly one of the best people i have ever known.  genuinely good to the core, how many people can you say that about these days??  {by the way, his wife jennie just as awesome...maybe even more awesome than matt.  but this post is about him, so i will carry on.}


matt has been there for our little family when we needed support, good advice, and unconditional love.  specifically multiple times last year when there were some rough days.


this year, on christmas day, was matt's 40th birthday.  we haven't been out to visit his family in texas and decided that if there was any way we could be there to celebrate with him, we wanted to make it happen.  


luckily ben was able to round up some of his family members to join us for the surprise, we made plans and amazingly enough, pulled it off.  {ben is convinced that matt was onto us, but whether or not he knew, we saw him shed a few tears as we surprised him, and the emotion was genuine.}


the surprise was set up in 4 stages, so he could be surprised with each individual family:

• matt's own family decorating & surprising him with a family party.....

• ben & i hiding in the closet when he came home from work to change.....

• carrie, troy, bailey & carter hiding in the minivan & screaming out while he drove down the street to the restaurant....

• then ginny {my MIL} walking down the street in the neighborhood as matt drove by.

they all went off without a hitch and it was so fun!

anyway, i'm going to write about our time in texas, but for now, here are some pictures of the initial surprise.

setting up decorations:

ben hiding in the closet:

leah hiding in the closet:

june sleeping through all of the screaming:

the official SURPRISE!! face:

a hug:

going out to dinner, eating the most amazing fajitas, wearing our awesome MATT IS OVER THE HILL t-shirts, complete with his face on the front, and a picture of him riding a jazzy on the back:

 {carrie makes me laugh.}

singing cumpleanos feliz with a sombrero:

scaring june with the song:

then we went home to the kids, and got settled in for a week of birthday & christmas fun.

3 287.17979 days

is how long i have been lucky enough to be his wife.

happy #9 benjamin!!