Tuesday, December 17, 2013
woah, my goodness.
here it is--almost christmas...yet the high for tomorrow is predicted to be 80 degrees. 80! this afternoon i cleaned the backyard while simultaneously playing house with leah (she was the mother, i was the daughter, and Hippo played the newborn baby), and i began hosing off some of the dusty/dirty outdoor toys. i rolled up my jeans to hit just below my knees, preventing them from getting wet with the spraying water. i worked from one end of the yard to the next, throwing away broken plastic, sweeping leaves and wiping surfaces, all the while quietly cracking up as i watched leah bounce around with baby Hippo on her hip.
when i finished, i came inside to dry off my legs, and noticed i had new flip-flop tan lines. tan lines! on december 16th! i'm a girl who was born of christmases filled with frigid temperatures and falling snow, and though this will be our fifth winter in arizona, the december warmth still takes me by surprise.
we are currently working on Miracles over here, in our Pink House.
ben is scrambling to write his dissertation, with the hope he will be able to actually attend the interviews for internship he has accepted to show up for all over the country during the month of january. his adviser has (again!) told him to accept the fate of not going out on internship this year, with the very unlikely possibility of his dissertation being finished and defended by the date of january 31st, 2014. we are continuing to (again!) ignore his persistent opinion of ben's demise and push on as though it's meant to all come together. are we delusional? quite possibly. at this point, delusion is all we have.
so although he has been unemployed since the end of november, i have not seen much of him and expect to see even less with the coming weeks.
i have signed myself back up in a group therapy, have i written that yet? probably not, since i haven't written much lately. this is something i've wanted to do since the beginning of the year, and for several reasons purposely held off until october. i am back to fighting that fear again, pushing myself out of my comfort zone in many ways--and then in other ways i am so comfortable in this environment. i absolutely love it, surrounded by women who are digging out unhealthy while uncovering the source of its roots so they can be moved, changed. i still have roots there, more subtle and less deep than the last time i started, but they are there. i sense them when i feel discomfort or fear of vulnerability or desire to be liked. this environment helps me to sense them quicker and more often, so i can begin my own digging again. it's both exciting and terrifying, in almost equal parts.
it's come at a perfect time, when i am giving so much that monday mornings have turned into my sanctuary--what i have to count on, just for myself. i used to feel guilty about needing this. i no longer do. after what i learned the last time in group therapy, i know this will mold me to becoming a better version of myself, spilling over into all of my different roles. i know good comes from this, when my heart is open and vulnerable.
i have my theme for 2014 already picked, but i won't say it yet. it was a thought that came to me a few days ago, and once it was there, i knew that was it. working on eliminating fear in 2013 was a stepping stone to getting to this new one, and i can already feel the difficulty that lies ahead. but i look back at what i have learned this past year, and how free i have felt. the best part is that i can't remember a time when i didn't feel this way, which is surprising on its own. i used to recognize this feeling as foreign and new, and was hungry for more of it. now it is what i know--and i feel this is my own small Miracle.
the kids are doing well--leah has recovered from her tonsillectomy but unfortunately still has the sleep apnea we hoped would be cured. we'll do another sleep study in january to see where things are at with her. caleb has lost his two front teeth, and went on his first bike ride without one of us there with him. another Miracle. ben and i cried when he came home and we heard how well he did. these things that are so easy for some and a struggle for others--that's what life is all about, isn't it? recognizing them, overcoming them, crying when we return from the battle. june is fighting a beast of an illness right now, and is passing it on to us as we drop like flies one-by-one, but otherwise is her usual chattering, puppy-pretending self.
we are busy and happy and stressed and grateful. i don't love that i haven't made the time to write, because when i look back it appears i've missed so much that's important to remember. even though i'm living fully in them, when i can't look back and read about them, the hours seem to slip through my fingers as if they've never happened.
though now that i'm looking back, it seems december is like this every year, isn't it? so i guess we'll just roll up our jeans, enjoy the tan lines while we can, and keep working on Miracles.