crawling out.

It feels as if the last almost-four months has been dedicated to sleeping, or laying down wishing I was sleeping.  Also simultaneously wishing my olfactory system no longer worked so I wasn't constantly fighting the feeling of an impending vomit session.  I have really come to believe my highly advanced sense of smell needs to take much of the credit for the non-stop nauseousness as it kicks into overdrive when pregnancy arrives.  Why do I blame my nose?  Because around week 12, I was hit with a nasty sinus infection that lasted a total of around five days.  At that same time, I was tricked into believing the nausea was finally coming to an end.  I couldn't breathe properly whenever I lay down, but I didn't care.  I stuffed tissues up my nose and reveled in the glorious idea I was feeling human again.  Until the sinus infection was over, and suddenly it returned.  It was a mean little trick to play on me, as I felt swept back under into the darkness of exhaustion and nausea that doesn't care if it's morning, afternoon, evening, or waking me in the middle of my sleep as the sun began to rise.

I am slowly crawling out though, with one or two good days each week now.  It isn't consistent, and I can't figure out what causes the temporary relief, but have learned to just take each day as it comes.  {Otherwise I've been found to spend them feeling sorry for myself on those hard days of sickness, asking overly-dramatic and obnoxious questions like, Will this everrrrrrrr ennnnnnnddddd????}

In spite of feeling as though I've lived in a cave, life has carried on.


Before I was sick, there was Valentine's Day:

Beautiful, imaginative, emotional, soft-hearted, constantly singing and dancing Leah turned 5:

We took a real family vacation, with Andrea and her family!

Ben finished his FINAL, LAST EVER class, and celebrated with a nap on the stairs:

I took a quick trip to Vegas and Utah for a siblings weekend:

Then the sickness hit, and the next thing I could remember was my sister and her family visited over Easter weekend.  I was so sick and felt so badly I could barely get out of bed, but did manage one night to get a babysitter, go out to a fancy dinner and REALLY celebrate their company and the end of doctoral classes:

Preschool graduation:

Mother's Day:

Our awesome, energetic Caleb turned 9:

Then finished 3rd grade:

And those are the highlights!  

Ben has been the champion of champions while I've basically checked out of life,

only putting on makeup maybe once per week, and emerging from the house about the same.  

Before he started his new job, he took on kid-duty, grocery shopping,

laundry and cleaning.  Those were a couple of weeks I barely remember, but am so grateful for, 

because I'm sure he remembers them.  

Now he's working in a new job and is gone several nights a week again,

and I say a lot of prayers and honestly?  The kids watch a lot of t.v.  

I'm hoping I'm getting to the end of it though.  First trimesters are rough, what else can I say?

33.

as a kid, i loved my birthday.  the gifts, the parties, the cake, the ice cream...i remember not being able to sleep the night before, wondering what amazing-ness was held in store for the following morning.

somewhere along the way, i changed.  my birthday started causing internal anxiety as soon as the month of july began.  i didn't like being the center of attention, didn't want parties, a big cake, or loud mariachi bands singing with the restaurant crowd as i peeked sheepishly out from underneath the enormous birthday sombrero, my cheeks turning a brighter shade of red with each bold note.

i knew feeling this way kind of ruined the celebrating for those around me, and i get it--i really do, because i love celebrating birthdays of the people i'm close with.  so, i've been making a concerted effort to find the balance and have ended up with this:  low-key, spending time with people i love, doing something out of the ordinary of the "everyday," and not searching for the closest box to climb into anytime someone bursts into the happy birthday song.

last year, i did something different, reading about another's idea of the birthday kindness project and knowing immediately it was something i would love to do.  we came up with a list, splitting our random acts of kindness over 2 days, completing over 50 of them during the weekend.  i thought that what i would love most about doing this would be spending my birthday with the focus off of me, and shift it on to someone else.

instead, i realized that my perspective could change yet again.  i read each of the face book comments, blog comments, texts, listened to the voicemails...and as i neared the end of the two days of the birthday project, each new message made me cry.  my family and friends all working together to do kind things for others--regardless of what day it was--

at the end of the first day of my 32nd year, i was overwhelmed with the feeling of just how beautiful life really is.

that was an amazing way to celebrate living.

tomorrow is my 33rd birthday, and we're out of town so i didn't repeat the same project as last year, but i'm still going to do random acts of kindness for others.  it's the best way for me to lose myself--the insecurity and discomfort--altering my thoughts,  shifting my focus instead to appreciate the beauty of the details of the day,

so i can more fully celebrate this life i have been given.

before we were 5.

here are some events that occurred before junebug came to be.

my last date with my handsome pre-doctor:

featuring a night of raisinettes, wizards, snakes and the end of an era.  

good-bye harry p.  

someday i will read the books about you.

my last official pregnancy picture, 9 days before labor:

celebrating my birthday with my little family:

featuring blueberry pancakes, balloon hats, princess jewelry, a slap bracelet, a rubber chicken {not kidding}, and the usual birthday dinner at the kid-friendly red robin.

more fun with balloons:

celebrating my birthday with this beautiful friend of mine:

 

featuring a delicious dinner, an awful movie {because i talked her into it}, and then some amazing gifts with a capital A.  then, because she's the only person i will take crazy pictures with/for, here are some fun ones:  {the last one of me looking less-than attractive is again for 
"those" who have "voiced" that i only allow "flattering" pictures of myself on here}

trying to find leah in her bed after each nap:  {don't worry, we always uncover her face & clean out her bed daily.}

trying out the baby's swing:

and that's a wrap.