what matters most.

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again

--"The Cave"

Mumford & Sons

i feel like i closed my eyes to blink, and opened them to realize february has come and gone.

i can finally write freely about the past few months with ben's school, because it is over.  we both did the best we could, and gave it everything we had.

ben's ability to match and leave on internship by this summer has been denied, the process of all of it hitting every angle it possibly could;  mental, physical, emotional and even--maybe especially?-- spiritual.  the hits have not all been delivered negatively however, there has been so much good we have seen and felt, and will not deny that.

we are here another year in arizona, and though there was disappointment about not being where we had hoped when it came to this already-lengthy process of school, prolonging the finish line even further, i was surprised at the amount of peace i felt when the decision was finally made for us.

i have learned many lessons during the past 5 years of ben's doctoral program....but i think the most important lesson for me has come in this last trial of our life in limbo for months, decisions made out of our control, then denial of our hopes, and it is this:

stop waiting for happiness.

i've felt many times through grad school as if i've been enduring some sort of punishment, waiting for it to end so i can finally begin---but begin what?  this is the question i've been asking myself, trying to shift the paradigm that the rest of living my life has to be put on hold.  having babies, traveling, my return to school, taking up yoga, becoming more social--these were all things i've been terrified of or avoided because i was waiting for this period of our lives to be over.  i was waiting for help during dinner and bath times, waiting for someone to sit next to me at monthly boy scout meetings, waiting for date nights, waiting for someone to pack up the picnic i had prepared for the day trip with the kids, waiting for someone to laugh with over late movies under blankets on saturday nights.

to be honest, i've been waiting to get my husband back.

a couple of years ago i realized how lost i felt without ben.  it was at this same time i realized how lost ben was in school.  being an introvert and marrying an extrovert had perks i hadn't understood until they were taken from me and i was left to my own devices.  suddenly i found myself a shy homebody who felt trapped in her own life, sweating in the heat of arizona, caring for two kids with an unexpected third on the way, mostly flying solo in parenting, socializing, taking care of the home, and other areas.

i blamed what i could for this entrapment--the stifling heat, the advisors who viewed ben having children and a wife as a liability, the full-time overnight jobs he worked, being without a car, having no family close by, our extremely limited budget, having friends who had their own lives and didn't need to be bothered....the list went on.

but i learned {the hard way} that i was the cause of my own suffocating.

there are always options.

i just continually chose not to see them.  it has only been the past couple of years when i began to start viewing life differently, realizing i could be whoever i want to be, living however i want to live.  even with these options before me, i purposefully chose this life, with these circumstances.  there is so much good here, so much love, and so much ability to be happy that i hadn't even tapped into.  this was when i started choosing happiness within this life, and stopped waiting.

i stepped out of my comfort zone to a job that has been financially helpful, i started reaching out to others for social things regardless of whether or not ben would be there with me, i got to know a lot of babysitters in the neighborhood so i could set aside a few hours in the week--even if all i did was go grocery shopping on my own.  i began more proactive and intentional parenting, and proactive and intentional time as a couple with ben.  and when i felt myself emotionally carrying more than i could handle, i signed back up into group therapy for an automatic safe place to emotionally release when i needed to without unleashing my often-overwhelmed self on the three innocent little people i adore who didn't deserve it.

i have no idea how long school is going to take for us to be finished with it.  i have no idea if, once it's over, ben will be able to find a normal 8am-5pm job, or will have to take what's offered.  and heaven forbid, what if the time away from his family is even more demanding than school has been??  what then?  i need to know i'm going to be okay, regardless.  not just okay, but happy.

and the good news is, i actually am happy--more so than i have been in my life, ever.  and more fulfilled as a mom and a wife because i'm more fulfilled as an individual.  i'm not waiting anymore.  

so the internship not happening this year, was it disappointing?  sure, it wasn't ideally what i had hoped for.  i'd really love for ben to just be done with school.  but was it devastating?  not even close.  we have a really good life inside the walls of the Pink House, even in the often stifling heat.  what matters most is here.  the rest of it--whether it's a doctoral certificate or all of the other outer layer things that can feel so important sometimes, those are the distractions to take my focus off-kilter.

we find ourselves readjusting, once again.  and although it's our third extra year of graduate school, and the finish line feels further from our reach, this time we're readjusting with smiles on our faces, looking forward to what this extra year has to offer us.

the greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return.

{woke up to roses, truffles and a hand written poem...a throwback to several years ago, when all ben gave to me for "the day of love" was a card about skunks farting--and he didn't even sign it! this year he surprised me with traditional gifts, yet still managed to sneak the humor in.  totally my style.}

i kept starting new posts to try to come up with something creative related to valentine's day.  like last year, writing about the day we fell in love, before we even knew we had.  or love letters to my kids, or something equally exciting...but i'm drawing a blank.

i know there are a lot of skeptics about valentine's day, and for the most part, i'm not a high maintenance girl when it comes to celebrating this one.  even though they're great and appreciated, i don't need flowers and chocolates and expensive gifts.  it has been low-key for us partly due to our financial situation, partly due to ben choosing to work in a field that requires long--and often overnight--hours (especially on holidays), partly because we have three children...but also because we're both satisfied with the low-key.

i'm not a skeptic though.  there are plenty of days for skepticism.  i love celebrating this one, it reminds me how much love is in my life.  i know it is not a small thing, and not always an easy thing.  relationships are tricky, layered and complicated.  i know as my kids grow, these sweet and often sloppy kisses are going to become few and far between.  so, i focused on really spending time with them and for them today.

caleb may not remember how we read together and played outside this afternoon, or how he was hugged goodnight, then held by the cheeks while staring into his eyes and thanking him for what a good boy he is.  leah may not remember that she wore a valentine's shirt that was bought just for her because i know how much she loves hearts and to feel pretty.  she won't remember how many times she was helped in and out of the bathroom today or how she was given  4 different types of kisses (butterfly, eskimo, frog and bird) when she was tucked in (for the 10th time) tonight.  and june most likely won't remember how we shopped in the mall together today, sharing a pretzel and water while counting her fingers and pointing out other babies as they passed us by.  and when we heard one of her favorite songs, how we started dancing between the racks of clothes, while strangers watched.  she won't remember laughing as  she was being tickled on my bed and when i asked her for a kiss, she leaned over, making her "mmmmmuwah!" sound, and i took a picture to freeze this moment in time for me.

and ben may not remember that all 3 kids were taken to the grocery store right at dinner time (one of my least favorite things to do) to buy the food to make the amazing steak and asparagus meal that was cooked just for him.  or how we talked about how funny our kids are, and the crazy teenager he had to administer psychiatric testing on today.  how we lay in bed warm under the covers, looking at pictures of the dream house we want to someday build ours after, talking about the things we'd change and those we'd keep the same.

i try to close my eyes and take snapshots of these moments, to hold onto them so they can stay in my memory long after they pass.  but every day the sun sets and the moon rises and these memory snapshots fade.  these flashes of my life surrounded by four other people are what mold and create the feelings we have, the relationships that are continuing to form.

i hope today they could feel how much i love them.

reconnecting.

{found here, soon to be sitting in my home}

i've started about 5 different blog posts, and they sit

unfinished, unpublished.  

some are deep, some are not-so-deep; ranging from the first time i heard the voice of God speak to me and how it changed the course of my life to potty training and how i hate it but this time it hasn't been as bad as i perceived it would be.  {and i have to say, i know many friends potty train early, but i'm going to put my vote in for later is better.  for me anyway....and so far, for my kids.}

i don't know what i will do with those unfinished posts, most of them hanging in limbo {due to a serious lack of time to myself, and my new and improved early bedtime}.  they may resurface and they may not.

the past couple of weeks i have been working on slowing down and just enjoying my life.  i have a lot of time with my kids and with the beginning of school along with ben's new full-time job along with school, i felt the days slipping away.  so focused on routine, schedule, order, organization.  clockwork.

i realized i was kissing my kids good night at 7:30 p.m. with no memory of connection with them.  and right now is what i have been given, and it is a gift.  there will be no other time they will be 13 months, 3 1/2 and 7.  

so the focus has been switched to planning activities together, rushing through the have-to's {like homework} to get to the want-to's {like backyard baseball and board games and just hanging out on mom & dad's bed laughing}.  we've been focusing a lot on kindess toward each other, searching for ways to serve each other.  

and amazingly, it's working.

the last two weeks have been a reminder for me.  so many moments of thinking,

ohmygoodness,

are these really my kids?  these beautiful, happy little people?  who just ooze joy from the inside out?  

during times of self-doubt, they are what bring me back to reality.  they are happy not just because they are, but also because they are the product of a lot of hard work and determination from two people to provide safety, stability, and unconditional love.

yesterday i couldn't help but take multiple pictures and videos as we played, trying to capture their every expression, their laughter. i want them to remember these minutes and seconds the way i do. the color of their eyes and sun in their hair and the way they crack themselves up with their goofy faces.

as hard as i try, i know i am not perfect. but i feel so much peace knowing that these little ones are content, and they are living a happy childhood.  

and i am with them for every moment.

my birthday project.

it's time for our favorite game:

two truths and a lie.  

ready?  here we go!

my name is lynsey.

i am short.

i love celebrating my birthday.

********


did you guess which one was a lie??


okay okay, it's true.  i seriously don't like to celebrate my birthday.  and it doesn't have anything to do with getting older, i've been this way for a couple of decades now and have tried to figure out the reason, and it might surprise you, but here it is:


i don't like to be the center of attention.


it's true!  stop laughing!    


i know it sounds ironic coming from someone who agreed to be in an online show where there were cameras on me while i was giving birth, or have taken on a job now where i'm asked to do weekly video blogs featuring yours truly....but it's the truth!   


at heart, i'm a friendly person, but i'm not someone who likes to be in a big crowd, having everyone stare while the spotlight shines on my perspiring little face.  which is sort of what happens {at least in my mind} during birthdays.  having people sing, being given presents and then being watched while i open them...eeek!  gives me the willies just thinking about it.


however, i have realized through the years that just like weddings, and having babies,  and all sorts of other things, my birthday is not just about me.  it's about those who love me celebrating with me and for me and when i act the way i feel inside, that i don't want to do anything or have anything done for me.... i pretty much ruin it for them.


so, what's a girl to do when she doesn't want to be the center of attention on her birthday, but doesn't want to ruin it for others?


well.


a couple of months ago, i was talking to my sister on the phone who asked me if i'd heard of 


the birthday project.


i hadn't, so she explained that it was an idea from one awesome lady who decided that she wanted to spend her 38th birthday doing 38 random acts of kindness for other people, and encouraged her friends, family and facebook contacts to do one random act of kindness too, and leave her a comment on either her blog or facebook page telling her what it was.


i
thought
the
idea
was
brilliant
!


me celebrating my birthday doing kind things for other people, and asking those who love me to do something kind for someone else is exactly how i would love to spend my birthday. i love the thought of celebrating life by helping others. 


ben and the kids and i have been compiling a list of the 32 random acts of kindness that we're going to have so much fun doing.  


you know something i've always said i'd love to do when i'm rich {ha!} is to find a mom with her kids at a grocery store and buy her groceries.  but i realized while making this list that at this time in my life i may not be able to do that, but i can buy her a gift card to help with her groceries.  or even better!  for free, i can help her load her groceries in her car.  {anyone else loathe that part or is it just me?  usually my kids are just done by that point you know?}


this has been especially a great project for my sweet caleb, who at 7 years old is so fixated on what we get for our birthday that this idea has kind of blown his little mind.  "what? no presents?  none?"  it's been a great lesson for him already.


and i have a feeling it's going to be a really really great day.




***so this is where YOU come in! 


*PLEASE join me and my family this weekend in doing one random act of kindness for someone else, and if you can, give them a note to pay it forward!  


*PLEASE leave a comment here, or on my facebook page, by sunday, July 22nd, telling me what you have done as your random act and i'm going to post all of the comments on my blog after the weekend is over.  


*and please SHARE this with your friends and family!  i want to see how many people will do one kind thing for someone else....let's see how big this can get!


thank you in advance, i'm so excited for this!!  

"no act of kindness, however small,

is ever wasted."

--Aesop

P.S.  I decided that my last R.A.O.K. will be to randomly select one person who comments here or on facebook to receive a $10 gift card to Target from me!!  So please make sure to leave a comment here so you can enter!