Sunday, December 28, 2008

beating the odds.

for fun, ben & i decided to look up our zodiac sign compatibility and here is what it said:

"Cancer and Leo? Forget it. That means NO. Sometimes things work between you two, sometimes they don't. However, one way or another, good moments tend to turn into bad moments eventually."

yikes! we had a good time laughing at how the odds are stacked up against us. after what feels like 6 really great years, according to this we are up for some rough times. because we all know how 100% fool-proof the zodiac is, we then read each other's signs and made some goals for me to not be boring & emotional & ben to not be pompous & arrogant. then maybe...just maybe...we will make it. hope you can sense the sarcasm here.

on another note, last night we got to go on our first date in over a year and a half. thanks again mom! we went out to dinner, i tried sushi for the first time (see? i'm not boring!) and we compiled a list of things we have learned about marriage.

in 6 years, bensey has learned:

  • never walk in front of your husband up the stairs.
  • always trust him if he says (in a really nice way) "that sweater makes you look frumpy."
  • never utter the words, "our kid will never do that."
  • don't underestimate the power of a date night.
  • if your classes consist of kayacking, backpacking & running, you're probably not going to make a lot of money.
  • never turn down a free basement.
  • don't stay too long, just because it's a free basement.
  • never sign a year contract.
  • you can do anything together for a year, but it may not be easy.
  • a "group home" is really a group you don't want to belong to.
  • hold on to quality moving boxes.
  • the way to a man's heart involves cheese & fresh tortillas.
  • don't complain about your wife vomiting on you when she is in labor.
  • even if it's 1 time out of 20, be grateful for that one time he puts his pants back in his drawer, because it means he is trying.
  • family home evenings can be the funnest night of the week.
  • always use the provided bathroom spray.
  • reading books together can be lot of fun.
  • you can't sleep on the floor of a hospital, it's a fire hazard.
  • doctors don't always know everything.
  • pay attention to where your wife is hanging pictures. there may be a pop quiz later.
  • you don't have to wait for your boxes to be unpacked before your house is fully decorated.
  • it's expensive to travel on december 27th.
  • if you buy a car for $500, it's because it's worth $500.
  • listen to your wife when she says "don't buy a $500 car."
  • guys game nights & girls night outs are healthy for a marriage.
  • quickly disagree when she says she thinks stretch marks are just around the corner.
  • don't air your dirty laundry.
  • you don't need money to be happy.
  • a well-heated & highly-chlorinated hot tub can warm you to the depths of your soul.
  • a poorly-heated & low-chlorinated hot tub can sprout a fun case of folliculitis.
  • be each other's best friend.
  • make a goal to pray together every day.
  • don't read zodiac compatibility websites. because what do they know, anyway???

Saturday, December 27, 2008

in a nutshell

well christmas has come and gone and with it we have had a lot of fun & overindulgence. we're still in utah and will be for another few days, but here are some highlights of the past couple of weeks.

let's start with the germs, shall we?
  • caleb caught the love bug which consisted of throwing up 11 times in about 12 hours. he lost 2 lbs in that time, and went from looking skinny to resembling a prisoner of war. he has now beefed up his reserves again so that we can't see his ribs when we take off his shirt.
  • ben & i caught this crazy topical hot tub staph infection rash. luckily it didn't end up being too bad but i still have the after-effects which consist of a lot of itching & a vow to never step in another hot tub.
now for christmas eve & day.
  • a fun waffle party at lauren's complete with a lightning mcqueen race track, a fantastic new mirror that i'm so excited to hang up in AZ, ice skates & a little bit of jack black. christmas is not complete without jack black.
  • caroling to our old friends, freezing our rumps on the outside, but warm and fuzzy on the inside with being able to see loved ones & spread some cheer. thanks again tiffany for letting us crash your house & scare your daughter. your family is the greatest. i'm sad we didn't get to taste those cinnamon rolls!
  • to my mom's house for presents, LOTS of yummy snacks, great presents (excluding the hangars :) fun games (we will work on harvesting those beans!), then up until 5 am talking. we are fans of bruce.
  • a christmas nap, then strader family time. kids everywhere, wonderful & thoughtful gifts, catching up with old friends, a massage hour, and peppermint icecream with hot fudge. yum! after that, making fun of carrie hooked on an 8-yr. old's electronics, and laughing until we cried. okay that was just me. i reached a level of hysteria that can only come after a consecutive amount of nights of lost sleep. then a round of sequence with vetos on songs, and ben & i taking the championship.

today we will celebrate 6 years of spending time together & all of the memories that go with it.

we've had a wonderful christmas.

pictures to come, complete with....UNDERPANTS!!! (this was the only thing caleb asked to get for christmas. well my boy, your wish is our command. he didn't know what to do with himself.)

6 years...

i love you ben.

Friday, December 19, 2008

the apple from the tree

sharing a room with caleb for the last week or so has proved to be an experience. the little man is a wild sleeper and not only does he roll around like he is on some permanent grassy knoll heading down a hill, but he talks in his sleep.

last night he woke up 3 times yelling at the top of his lungs that there was a bug on him crawling on his face. i am a blind bat without my contacts in so each time he started yelling i'd get on my hands & knees, totally disoriented, with my eyes about an inch from the carpet searching for this wild toddler-eating bug. each time i would come up empty-handed and he would fall right back asleep.

after the third time, i began to get a little tee'd off. i was exhausted and waking up to his repeated ear-piercing shrieks just about did me in.

but once the morning came, my frustration melted. i recalled being younger with many nights of waking up and staring into the multiple eyes of a big hairy spider just before it crawled onto my face. i would freak out, turn on my light and pick up the nearest shoe vowing to smash it to smithereens. but once the light turned on, i could never find it.

poor lauren had to share a room with me. i remember her always trying to calmly help me by saying "it's okay, it's okay, just lay down."

so i realized that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. along with my height deficiency, caleb has inherited his mother's night terrors. poor little fella is in for a rough ride. just wait until he gets introduced to evil clowns.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


oops, i should have mentioned that i have gained 3 lbs this last month, totaling about 11 lbs so far. 3 lbs total in 7 months? i would check myself into some sort of therapy program if that were true. a girl's gotta eat!

Monday, December 15, 2008


a tardy pregnancy update, this was from 2 weeks ago.

currently: 7.5 months (at the time of the picture, 7 mos.)

weight gain: 3 lbs.

last month's prediction update: see what i told you? the pop out is getting out of control. every time i turn to the side ben says "woah" to my profile. nice.

complaints: sciatica, which i now have to see a chiropractor & physical therapist for. yip, yip. i also experienced a crazy charlie horse cramp in both of my calve muscles one morning that lasted about 5 minutes. (has anyone else had this happen?) i woke up yelling for ben to help me because my muscles were stuck and i could not get them to release. apparently it comes from a calcium deficiency. i have now added about 12 glasses of milk a day to my diet. it was a traumatic experience. bonus? after a 5 minute work-out, my legs look fantastic.

current action: well let's just say that as i lay & type this, the laptop sitting on my stomach has caught air a couple of times.

prediction for next month: no stretch marks as of yet, but i feel they may be just around the corner. i was lucky last time & didn't get any because caleb was so teeny. but i have a feeling in my gut (no pun intended) that i will not get out scar-less this time.

ps-caleb wants to show you his bus. at least the mirror's semi-clean. semi.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

is knowing really half the battle?

we've been told a couple of times by doctors that caleb is "his own syndrome."

the caleb syndrome.

are those supposed to be words of comfort?

i don't expect the experts to have all the answers & to work miracles. however, it's difficult when we have an underweight, constantly screaming, constantly seizure-ing baby with no answers as to how to help him.

but we've learned to accept that this just may be the way it is with him. and when things improve, we are eternally grateful.

so far, the caleb syndrome consists of:

2-vessel umbilical cord
4 1/2 lbs birth weight
seizures starting at 10 days
an extra rib
a sacral dimple
a whole in his heart (which later corrected itself)
an underdeveloped digestive system
an ectopic kidney--means his kidney is out of place
cysts of water that line a section of his spine
two vertebrae at the base of his neck that are fused together
a weak immune system causing him to catch everything that comes his way (& usually it's twice as bad as the person who had it before him)
slow to develop physically (didn't walk until he was 2 yrs, & that was with physical therapy & braces)

so what does all of this add up to be?

the caleb syndrome.

which is a way to say, "we have no idea what's going on with him & we can't do anything to help him that won't cause him more trouble."

so here is my question:

is it better to know all of these things, or not to know?

i have always felt that knowledge is power. i have researched all of his problems, memorized all of his diagnoses and carried around this huge file of all of his tests & their outcomes so that i feel knowledgeable. empowered.

a while ago my friend rachel c. wrote the question "is ignorance really bliss?" and i have thought hard about this for several days. is knowing really half the battle? or does it just make it all so much more complicated because now you have something holding you accountable? and having the what-if's weighing you down?

with the new enlightening of caleb's current problems...the cysts enlarging, the vertebrae being fused...we were told that as of right now, those issues are not causing enough problems to need to do anything about them.

except that...

if we see any "new" changes, then we need to rush him to the closest neurosurgeon.

what changes are we looking for?

bladder control problems
poor posture
a decrease in leg flexibility
stiffness in his neck

we were told he can't play contact sports. what about his tumbling class? we ask. well it should be fine but just make sure he doesn't fall on his head because the fused vertebrae could cause major complications.

so when he's potty-training, what if he starts having accidents? well, just watch closely that his accidents aren't becoming more frequent. how frequent is more frequent?

the list went on, because we wanted to do our research, to be knowledgeable.

but i realized i wasn't asking the right question. which is:

how do we not become overly paranoid, overly protective parents and let this kid just live a normal life??

i feel that we have walked on eggshells since the day this little fellow blessed our family. specialists say "don't let anyone hold him, don't pass him around" "don't let little kids get close to him" "protect him" "don't let him cry it out" and "don't push him too hard." it is a lot to worry about on top of being new parents. but we listen, we trust, we put boundaries on everything.

and feel that we are inhibiting him from loving life. and instead we are turning him into a very careful, cautious child. and we as parents are turning into stressed out basketcases.

then we get to the point where we feel we're going crazy, so we just pray and try to stay close to god so that we can just do what is best for us all. but i can't help it that a part of me wishes i was living in ignorance. would i be a more relaxed, fun mom if i didn't know about all of these little quirks he is dealing with?

could he be...with all of these things...just fine?

but what happens if i say that to myself and just let go of it all and then something happens because i wanted him to be a "normal" kid...and he really isn't?

it's enough to make an overanalyzer like myself go just about mad.

which should be another part of the caleb syndrome. "this syndrome will eventually drive your mother insane."

so we will continue on with life as normal. going day to day, praying hard and acting in faith. and that's really the best we can do, right?

Friday, December 12, 2008

this is the place.

we're here! we've joined the winter wonderland of chapped lips, cracked hands and consistently rosy cheeks. it's already been so fun to be surrounded by family & i didn't realize how excited i am to get the opportunity to have a white christmas.

i'm sure in 3 weeks we will be anxious to head back to palm trees & 70 degrees. a poet and i didn't even know it. but for now, we are loving it!

will post soon about caleb's appt, but it was some good news.

a happy holidays to all!

Monday, December 8, 2008

our weekend

we had a fun, busy weekend. poor ben is doing finals so in between activities he was studying & typing papers. one down, only 8 semesters more to go!

started off on friday with a trip to tempe to work on our application for a grant through the army. we ended up at a mall & found some GREAT deals in a couple of stores that were closing out.

saturday we had dinner with the beckers & then joined them for the phoenix christmas light parade. SO FUN! i was amazed at how much went into the parade, i totally underestimated it. great parking, great seats, great company!

caleb & kali watching the sights. caleb looks like he's crying but he's really just yelling at the top of his lungs in excitement. i'm amazed he had a voice when we got home.

our friends fawn & fran. they are as nice as they are good-looking. sorry we didn't get fran smiling, ben forgot to let him know he was taking their picture.

cute kai chilling with his glow stick.


sunday we had the goldings over to exchange christmas presents & as always, laugh a lot. i have already made myself sick with the leftover yummy dessert (thanks andrea!). of course caleb bawled for 15 minutes when they left. i hope one day he loves his future sister as much as he loves his friends.

ethan & tyler opening their gift from caleb.

i was so excited ethan & tyler gave caleb lite brite!

preston & andrea...we love you guys!

now ben is off studying some more while i work on getting us packed, cleaning out the fridge, & preparing for some real cold in utah!

identity crisis.

i don't know who i am anymore.

today, not only did i enjoy my cereal, i actually drank milk from my bowl after the cereal was gone.

i am not a breakfast person. but i've been trying to become one because i'd like to be healthier. normally i eat a yogurt or toast for breakfast. not bad, but not great.

so i began the weaning process with this....

(about as non-healthy as you can get for cereal)
and quickly learned the error of my ways. there is still a half a box up in my cupboard of this sugary stuff.

and am now up to this...

(getting better, but every bite has to have a raisin or else i get ticked)

and am slowly (but surely) working my way up to this...

(still makes me dry heave when i even look at the picture)

this is a lofty goal. anyone who knows me well knows that i have had an aversion to oatmeal since i was a wee lass. my poor mother endured many a rough morning dealing with a stubborn, refusing child.

cross your fingers that i can get to the new me. 2009. a year should be enough time, right?

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

MRI update.

i was hesitant to post this because really....we don't know much. but i've been asked a couple of times about the outcome of the MRI & this is easier than making a lot phone calls/sending emails. so here is the deal:

we spoke with a nurse at shriner's hospital who read the doctor's report that said yes, caleb's little water-filled cysts that line part of his spine have increased in size (this is why the MRI was done, to check to make sure the cysts had not grown). not what we were hoping to hear. this means that if these increase in size, they can put pressure on his spine causing headaches & possibly more severe problems...

also he has 2 vertebrae in his spine that are fused together that may cause him trouble as he continues to grow.

the nurse was not sure if the cysts had grown to a point that he needs spinal surgery and also didn't know if the fused vertebrae needed to be separated, but referred us to a spinal surgeon for a consultation & to explain in more detail what's going on.

so long story short...we are heading up to utah for our appointment next thursday and will hear more then. i'm not sure what type of internet access & time i will have to be able to do much blogging, but will do my best to update.

for now, we are staying positive. we are hoping that spine surgery isn't necessary but also are willing to accept it if it is. so far all of caleb's physical complications have been a huge learning & faith-building process. we have felt heavenly father guide us this far and know that no matter what, we will continue to be guided.

overlooking the 2 major tantrums our 3-yr. old has thrown in the past 2 days, this little boy is a blessing. okay okay, i'll even take him with tantrums included. i mean seriously, just look at that face.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

chore time

caleb's been given several responsibilities to do around the house. the best part is that for right now, he actually enjoys them. so this will be documented for his parents to remember that at one point in his life, he was happy to help.

here he is in his jams putting the utensils away.

whenever we ask him to do his chores he says, "oh yes! i would love to help!" what a good guy. other chores include tidying up his room & cleaning up his toys before bedtime. my goal is that by the time i have this baby, he will be doing all the laundry and dishes for every meal. we'll see how much he loves to help with those.

Monday, December 1, 2008


without further adieu, here are pictures from
twilight take #1

eating at oregano', the food there (along with the dessert) made up for jasper's bad acting. almost. it was amazing.

this was the theater from behind my seat. i thought the girls sitting a row back fell for my fake-out self portrait....when i was really pointing it at them, but the looks on their faces tells me i'm less sneaky than i thought.

thanks for the good time girls!

Saturday, November 29, 2008

ben talks to cheese.

i realized this just a few days ago, but i'm not sure how long it's been going on. i'm at the table enjoying my cheese & tomato bagel when i hear ben say in a quite seductive tone,

"ohhhh. helloooo there."

i mistakenly think he's talking to me so i turn around with furrowed eyebrows. only to realize he's staring at the nearly-empty cookie sheet.

and he continues.

"hellooooo burnt cheese. i didn't see you sitting there." then he giggles like the cheese has just batted its eyelashes and said something funny in return.

he quickly picks the small pieces off of the tray & leaves the room.

tonight was the same thing, though his tone was less seductive and more of a friendly conversation.

"hey, we meet again." the poor cheese didn't see what was coming. it was quickly consumed as ben walked away satisfied.

i guess now that i'm sitting here listening to caleb talk to a pinecone (and hearing the pinecone carry on a converstion in a higher-pitched caleb voice,) i realize where it's coming from.

am i right to be worried?

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

happy thanksgiving

"If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues."
i am thankful.

needing some advice from the pros

so i have a dilemma.

i will keep this as neutral as possible so that you don't know who's on what side but i need some advice from those who have gone before us.

on potty training caleb.

let's just be honest here and say we have put forth 0% effort so far in this endeavor because to be honest, we have just been lazy. (there were legitimate reasons at the group home, but since september, there has been nothing but lame justifications.)

but the time has come.

so here's the dilemma:

we are going to utah in about 2 weeks for almost a month to spend time with family and friends. there is a slight possibility that ben & i will be going away for one of those weekends for a little anniversary getaway & we will be asking one lucky set of family members to help out with caleb.

so we basically have 2 weeks to have caleb master the skill of using the potty like the big boy he claims he is.

side 1) wants to do this. NOW. we are all prepped and ready with candy, toys, a big can of resolve and a weekend where after tomorrow we don't have much going on. the goal is that he can be all finished (except for maybe overnight sleeping) by the time we head out of town. plus doesn't dr. phil say it can be done in one day??

side 2) is more hesitant. not because they don't feel the urgency, but is considering an 11 hour car trip with stops in (ew) truck stops, etc. then there will be possible accidents at relatives' homes, and the possibility of leaving a newly-trained bladder with some un-ready relatives for the weekend. besides, caleb is so small that he can't get up on the toilet without help & one of those little toilet cover things. so we would probably be bringing his potty training toilet with us everywhere we go.

both have legitimate arguments. the boy is 3 1/2 for pete's poss. granted, he still wears 2T and those fit loosely so he may not look the part. but he is supposed to be going into primary in january and even though i don't necessarily care, we get "looks" from others who are like, he's not potty trained yet?

he has never gone through the stage of ripping off his diaper, or even sitting down on the potty just for fun. he himself has convincing arguments as to why a lifetime of diapers would not be so bad. but are we going to take advice from a 3 year old? not likely.

so help, please!
comment away. just please don't criticize us for our slothfulness. we aren't perfect you know.

take 2.

went to twilight again last night with cousin dana. and let me say to those of you skeptics who think the second time's a charm is a load, to you i say humble yourselves and give it a try. because for me it was just the ticket.

speaking of tickets, when did movies go up to $9.50? rip off with a capital R.

no it did not take away the awkwardness of the entire forest scene, nor did it suddenly turn jasper into someone who can act like he was in a movie instead of in a commercial for x-lax.

but it definitely was a ton more enjoyable & forgivable the second time around. so go, sit back, relax and enjoy the ride.

to dana
, i'm sorry you got exiled from being able to go again with a group because you weren't allowed to "bash," but am selfishly happy because it's so fun to hang out with you. not just because you shared the same opinion of the movie the first time, but also because you are direction-challenged (like myself) and easy to talk to & be around.

and there was only one awkward moment, but luckily it wasn't from you. it was being called "sweetheart" in a creepy voice by some strange fella as he opened the door for us.

who knew big bellies were guy magnets? i guess i really need to start workin' it.

ps-to those die-hards who are mad at the skeptics of the movie, i am trying to make up. i mean look who's in the #2 of the playlist. robbie himself. interesting voice, ben & i kinda like it. he didn't make #1, but that's because everytime i hear my opening song it puts me in a good mood.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

mOrNiNg eXeRcIsEs

here is caleb joining me for my morning exercise video. this is the part where you use a chair to do some nasty leg lifts.

and here is caleb 5 minutes later.

and for the rest of the time you can either find him doing this,

or climbing all over me like a monkey. when he gets in those moods it doesn't matter what i bribe him with, he refuses to leave me alone to find my chi in my child's pose and deep breathing. so we are going to have to come up with a new routine.

to those mothers who set their alarms to go off before their kids wake up so they can get some decent calorie burning in, i tip my hat to you. but i was thinking something more along the lines of either a benadryl-induced morning nap for caleb, or giving into the "no cookies before lunch" rule.

this is where you sit back in awe of reading a post from the mother of the year.

Monday, November 24, 2008


people are probably not that interested in whether or not i liked the twilight movie, but i will give my opinion anyway. why? because i'm entitled to it.

i did not go in there with high expectations that everything would be perfect, i have only read the books once & did not have them memorized. i know that movies cannot stick exactly to the storyline and they do their best to please fans & non-fans.

that being said.

1) jasper. there was something seriously wrong with him. i know that he was supposed to be having a hard time being around bella, but seriously he looked more like a 2008 cheesy edward scissorhands than anything. he stole every scene he was in, and not in a good way. i kept waiting for him to start trimming some bushes with his hands.

2) the poor, poor makeup jobs on a few of the characters, namely carlisle. to me he looked like he had been sticking his face in a jar of flour right before he popped on the set. there were a few others i thought were over-the-top but carlisle took the cake.

3) the crazy annoying 80's electric guitar background music that made a couple of scenes laughable, when they weren't supposed to be. my family & i have always been big on good soundtracks & how they affect the movie. and this one did. each time the butt rock guitar solo came on, i felt like i was watching a bad soap opera.

that being said there were definite moments that i felt had real potential & i am hoping that with a bigger budget, the other two movies will be made. i have been told to go & see it again knowing all of these things are what they are & just to enjoy it. and i think i will, in a few weeks when i don't have to wait in line with screaming teens.

ps-highly recommend a 10:30 pm showing. the crowds were still there, but it was much more mature so we didn't have to hear yips and yelps when edward entered the room. and i'm thankful for that. will post pictures soon.

Friday, November 21, 2008

mr. fix it

yesterday morning i woke up to a big mess and a stranger in my apartment. his name is
mr. fix it.

he oddly resembles someone i know but he visits so infrequently that i had to make sure he wasn't a figment of my imagination, so i got a close up.

which as you can see, he appreciated greatly. me being in his business.

this couch was a hand-me-down from my parents and we were SO grateful for it. however this poor baby has been through its share of moves and we realized the more we sat on it, that somewhere along the way, it had been broken. we tried to temporarily deal with it, by stuffing comforters underneath the cushions.

but it just wasn't doing the trick.

so in lieu of our current financial situation & trying to live by the motto "use it up, wear it out, make do or do without," ben got to work.

and what do you know?

ben + 6 hours + lots of yelling+ home depot = a fixed, lovely, sturdy couch
(and plenty of sore muscles)

this baby's got 10 more years of life in her!

thanks mr. fix it. come again soon.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

it's a hard knocked life

poor caleb is continuing to learn the lesson that sometimes what you want may not always be what you need. and at 3 years old, there is no time like the present to learn this lesson. caleb loves to come up with alternative ideas to what ben & i suggest (aka, arguing) and loves to throw himself into a tizzy when i say these words,

"i hear what you're saying (repeat back to him what he said),
but the answer is no."

we will back it up with reasons of why so that he doesn't think we're just power-hungry monsters. and though most of those reasons get lost in the midst of loud wails and bucket-sized tears, we still try.

caleb, even though you don't think so right now, one of the biggest lessons in life is to learn how to accept things that are difficult and move on. take it from me, i got to see first hand what happens if parents do not set boundaries for their kids. in fact i lived with it last year and it's not pretty.

remember this??
all because one of the GH kids didn't want to do dishes.
(and this was not even the worst time)

so little man, just know that when i tell you "no, you can't have a snack because then you won't eat lunch" or "nope, let's turn off the t.v. and read some books" it is only because i love you and want to do what is best for you at the time (which contrary to your beliefs, you may not always know what that is). i'm also attempting to save you from turning into a crazy teenager who does thousands of dollars worth of property damage over hearing "no."

here's a little tribute to you sweet boy. when things aren't going my way, i find myself singing this song. and i realize that most of the time the lyrics are not lying.

sometimes it really is just what you need.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

we love nana!

a couple of weeks ago we got a cute package from my took me a little while to upload these photos. but anyway, caleb loves nana packages because they always have special treats inside for him.

inside was...

dora workbooks, which he loves & we immediately got to work on.

a potty training video...let's say our prayers it works!

several adorable little girl outfits (cameraman didn't take specific shots of these, sorry. just know my mom has great taste), a headband, a book for me (which was read in 2 days) and ben's favorite thing...

a back massager!! though i have to admit, i have made ben use it more on me than i've used it on him. caleb liked to hold it up to his eyes so everything looks blue.

thank you for the wonderful package, nana! we love you and miss you!