to my second grader.

{oh, i love you bloggy friends.  you gave me some great ideas/advice about bedtime.  we've been trying some of them....and things are easing up just a little.  thank you thank you!  i'll share the details when the outcome is a little more consistent. } 


and now, a letter to my son.



“You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you. That’s where I’ll be waiting.” 
― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

Dear Caleb,

I didn't want to start this letter out with a downer, but I want to be honest because I know you'll read this someday, and one of the rules of our house is to be honest--with kindness.  The 6 and 7 year old years have been extremely bittersweet for me.  I think it's an in-between age, where you're not a little boy anymore, but you're also not a big kid yet.  You seem to be crawling out of your skin, wanting more, and I find myself sad that part of the little boy who adored his mom and dad, when we were all you needed, is growing up.  I know it's supposed to happen, and is a good thing, it's just that change like this has been harder for me than I expected it would be.

Up until this point, I've been the mom who doesn't mind when her babies grow and change and turn into toddlers like most moms do.  Watching puffy feet and rolling thighs turn into thinner, stronger, running legs.  I've loved each new stage even when it meant saying good-bye to the last one because it's replaced with more things to love.  I've tried to revel in all of your moments so that I didn't feel as if they had passed me by too quickly.  So this sadness of watching you become a big kid, knowing what it means you are leaving, has snuck up behind me and taken me by surprise.

I've watched your imagination go, where your old toys no longer satisfy you the way they once did.  You have always been an old soul, with an understanding and maturity that can sometimes shock me, so much that I often have to remind myself that you're still so young.  You want to know exactly the way things work, but you are no longer believing in things that keep childhood magical and alive.  Like when you came to me, telling me that the Tooth Fairy isn't real, and when I asked you why you felt that way {assuming you would say that one of your friends told you}, you informed me that you knew she wasn't real because fairies aren't real, so obviously she isn't.  And I said that if you felt that way, I understood.  It made sense.  But that you could either believe, and see what happened when you lost a tooth, and see if something showed up under your pillow... or you could choose not to believe, and I'm sure you would be right-- nothing would happen.

You walked away, only mildly satisfied with my answer because I would neither confirm nor deny your suspicions.  Unfortunately you have yet to lose a tooth {which has been driving you bonkers for the past 8 months to a year now, and has become quite the hot topic at our dinner table}, but when you do, I'm curious to see what you will choose.  

I hope you choose to believe.

Childhood only lasts for so long and in my opinion, not long enough.  You had to go through something this year that has taken a piece of that, and your dad and I had to figure out how to balance the situation.  It wasn't easy.  You were brave though, and we were so absolutely proud of you.  I wondered what other situations were going to come to you to challenge your soft heart. I say a prayer every night that you are able to overcome whatever is given to you, and that I have the strength as your mom to help you through these things in a way that will shape you to become a man who will use these trials as a piece to build your foundation so that they bear you up with courage instead of tear you down with fear.

You have such a strong spirit, Caleb.  Your competitive side has pushed your body physically to run all of the Fun Runs, no matter how difficult they have been.  At recess you choose to play football, and basketball, and wall ball, instead of do the less-physical things some of your friends choose to do, even when the physical games are so much harder for you.  I absolutely love this about you, and want you to love it about yourself.  You know your limitations, but you're constantly challenging them.  I'll always encourage you to do this.

A couple of my favorite ways to spend time with you lately are playing baseball with you {you are seriously awesome at it}, or on Sunday evenings when we play Monopoly just before dinner.  You are hilarious to watch!  We've played it probably 6 times now, but you've memorized all of the prices of all of the properties and how much they charge in rent when you land on them.  You've won almost every time we've played and get so full of yourself, it cracks your dad and I up.  

But my most favorite thing to do is read C.S. Lewis with you at night.  You lay on my shoulder and wrap your arms around mine, and we get nervous during upcoming battles and excited at the latest adventures.  You are my little boy again, when we read together.  There is nothing else except you and me during that time.  

I love that you still love to be around me, asking if we can hang out, just you and me "without the kids" as you put it.  And when I had to remind you that you are, in fact, a kid, your reply was so typical-Caleb, a shrug of your shoulders as you whispered so your sisters couldn't hear you "you know what I mean, Mom."

For this year, my wish is that you hold on just a little bit longer to childhood.  As much as you want to be an adult, I promise that it's not all it's cracked up to be.  Much less-fun than it looks to you right now.  So hang on, if you can.  Just until I get used to the idea, please?  I promise to be more ready to face it.

Know how much I love you, how much I adore your little face.  Your dimples, your olive eyes, your dark lashes.  You are an amazing boy who will take on the world someday.  Thank you for all you show me, for making growing up as easy on me as it can be because you are such a joy to be with every day.


Love,
Mom

to my first grader, who is both wicked and sick.

{i started this letter almost a month ago, and am just now finishing it.}

first day of first grade

dear caleb,

the other day, i opened your door in the morning to ask you a question.  as i peeked in, i saw you kneeling down, saying your morning prayer.  and for some reason, catching you praying on your own made my heart so full and my eyes fill up with tears.

overnight you seem to have changed, you've grown up and not just because there is a baby around now and that always seems to age children next to them.  but you've matured in the way you think, in your taste, and how you talk.

you have always spoken and thought like a mini-adult, which i didn't realize until it was continually pointed out to me that it was unusual.  i had no other children before you to compare you to, but on more often than not, as i've picked you up from playdates, the parents of your friends have said things to me like, "i just love listening to him talk" or "his vocabulary and the way he analyzes situations is amazing" and i realize that you might be just a little unusual, but in a good way.

but the depth that has come recently, just before you started school, was something that i wasn't expecting to come so quickly.  i figured this year you would change, but it has already started happening.  you are aware of more, perceptive of more.  this has been both good and bad {mainly because of a little attitude that has cropped up every now and then}, but mostly good.  

going to pick out school clothes with you was both hilarious and shocking.  you've never been too particular about what you wear, but this time was different.  you informed me before we left that you wanted shirts that were either "wicked" or "sick."  where in the world did you learn that street lingo?  it made me laugh so hard.  and i would hold up shirts for you, thinking they were "sick" enough, but you would in form me that no, in fact they weren't.  so we went to find shirts that were still "wicked" without pictures of satan on them.  because i have to have limits, you know.  the mom veto will always be there, so you may as well just get used to it.

you want to wear your hair in a mohawk, and again, i have no idea where this idea came from, but i love that you want to be an individual.  i'll try to relax and just let it happen.  except at church.  no mohawks at church, and in fact now that i'm thinking about it, no wicked shirts either. 

buddy, you have really started noticing the physical difference between you and your friends.  the gap has started widening even more.  

you've been really hard on yourself lately, and the way that you talk about yourself when it comes to your physical abilities.  which is why your dad and i made the decision to tell you tonight that you have cerebral palsy.

we knew we would eventually, but were waiting for the right time.  we wanted to make sure you were mature enough for us to explain it to you, but young enough that it wouldn't weigh too heavily.  we also wanted you to know that there are some things that you can control, and some things that you can't.  hoping that it would help you ease up on the pressure you put on yourself to do more than what might be physically possible, but still believing in yourself that you can overcome and do anything you want to.

we hope we made the right decision, to tell you tonight.  you cried for quite a while, and your dad held you.  we looked at pictures of your first two years--hooked up to EEG's, wearing your orthopedic casts for the first time, your multiple hospital stays.  we talked about all of the blessings that you have, and that everyone struggles in one way or another.  some struggles are on the outside, some on the inside.  

we talked about all of the gifts that you've been given to overcome this challenge.  

your fighting spirit, which was evident by just the mere fact that you survived to be born,  when the odds were against you.  and you continued fighting, through pain and seizures and physical therapy, orthopedic casts and continual testing.  

 2 weeks ago, MRI #6

i would love to tell you that it is over, that things will be easier.  but i don't know.

to be honest, life is never going to just be easy.  but it will be more pleasant to go through if you choose to be happy no matter what comes your way.

other gifts are your willpower, and courage.  your love for others, and how this challenge will help you feel even more empathy for those struggling because of what you've been through yourself.  

your friendliness, self-confidence and honest love of life will all be things that help you face anything with optimism if you choose it.

i know that this has been hard for you to hear, and i know that there may be more that you have to overcome, but i also know how blessed you are.  there are many others who face physical challenges that make yours look miniscule.

caleb, i will always look at you as one who provided the biggest turning point in my life.  you brought a new perspective to me, and have been a daily reminder of just how lucky i am.  being your mother has made so many things so much less important than i had thought that they were, while at the same time also made so many things so much more important.  that doesn't make sense to you now, but one day you will have a child of your own and you will know what i mean.

your dad and i talk daily about how grateful we are for you, about what a good boy you are.  you are good from the inside-out and we are so proud of who you are already becoming.

so, my 6 year old strong, brave, hilarious, intelligent, loving, wicked {of course in the best way possible}, kind, sick {in the healthiest way of course}, and soft-hearted boy,  

thank you for being who you are,
and i can't wait to see who you become.

i love you.

love, mom

dear new baby,

when i found out that i was pregnant, let's just say that it was not "ideal" timing.  we have had a lot going on this year, and there were some extremely stressful circumstances surrounding our family.  i was shocked, and i will admit it, immediately worried.  i didn't feel ready, emotionally or mentally or physically.

after walking upstairs to let your dad know {i had taken the test without him knowing, honestly because i thought there was a big chance that i was just being paranoid}, i sat down on the floor of the office and announced that we needed to talk.  he had been working on homework, and swung around in his brown chair to face me.  i told him the news, with a surprised look on my face, my eyes huge, wondering what he was going to say.

"huh?"

was what came out of his mouth.  he was shocked too.  but then, a smile immediately came to his face.  he said that he couldn't believe it, but he was happy.  for the rest of the day, we looked at each other off and on, smiling and shaking our heads.

little baby, the past few months for me have been a roller coaster.  even though leah's only almost 2, i had forgotten what pregnancy feels like.  and i had never been pregnant before while handling a fairly stubborn toddler, and taking another child to school.  i have felt more tired at times than i can ever remember feeling in my life. 

but i want you to know that there has never been a moment that your dad and i have felt an ounce of regret or not wanting you.  we have always wanted more kids, and i know that especially once you are born, we will have the same feeling that we do about your brother and sister.  that we couldn't imagine life without you, that you belong with us.

i wanted to thank you for what you have already taught me.  you have reminded me of what love really is.  it is about sacrifice and unselfishness, and wanting the best for someone else over yourself.  it helps me to remember that the love i am already feeling for you is just an ounce of what God feels for me.  

life is a parallel, and i just needed to step outside of my own needs and wants or thoughts of what is ideal timing for our family for a minute to remind me of this.

i love you already, baby.  so does your dad.  and we just can't wait to meet you.

love, your mom.

dear leah,

my almost 2 year old baby girl.  i think that life without you around would be pretty boring for caleb and i at home.  you keep us laughing and exasperated at times, but you're always a joy to be around.  

i love that you wake up so happy, singing and playing in your crib.  i love listening to you for a few minutes before coming in your room to get you up.  i love hearing you sing "ABC's" and "i love to see the temple" "ode to joy" and your new favorite, "moonshadow."  i love that you request me to sing it to you all of the time.

i love that when i do come into your room, you say, "hey mommy!  what's up?" as you reach for me to pick you up.

i love that you are seemingly fearless, except when it comes to any flying insect.  even then you will stand stoically and yell, "SHOO FLY SHOO FLY SHOO FLY!"

i love that you still adore the bath and could stay in the water for hours.  i love that you are the perfect mix of girlie-girl and tomboy, wandering around outside for long periods of time in your princess shoes and adorned in "pretties," while throwing dirt all over your face and hair.

i love the way you tuck your hand under my chin whenever i pick you up.

i love that you call any kid your age "friend" and immediately walk over to them and say, "hi friend!" i love that i have to trick you into bedtime because otherwise it turns into a long game of hide-and-go-seek and usually ends in you throwing a tantrum.  i love that you like to hide in the closet in all of your dad's dress shirts, or downstairs in the curtains.

i love hearing you say prayers.

i even love your stubborn, sassy side.  i love that you test boundaries and are constantly pushing me to see if i will be consistent with the rules, because it means that you trust me enough to follow-through and take care of you. 

i love your lisp (lithp) and hope that you always have it, even when you're 25.

i don't especially love having to chase you around the backyard when it's time to come in, mainly because you usually end up squeezing yourself into the most disgusting place you can find....that little corner between the cement wall and the nasty garbage can.  but i do love that as i have to move the garbage can to get you, i can hear you giggling and squealing in excitement.

i love that when you giggle a certain way, you get the hiccups, just like me.

i love that you want to do whatever it is that your big brother is doing.  and i love when you will spontaneously give him hugs because it shows that you do love him, despite all of the times you like to scratch and pinch him.  i love how you call him "caycub brudder" and how when he leaves the room you yell, "CAY-CUB BRUDDER, COME BACK HERE!"  and then run to find him.

i love that you adore your dad, and that you are the only girl in the world he will sit down to have a long tea party with. 

i love that you love to read books, all of the time.  and that you memorize your favorites so that you can read them to yourself when no one else can.

i love that when you are sick you'll let me rock you to sleep.

i love your long, crazy hair that makes you look a little like thing 1 and thing 2 from the cat in the hat, especially when you run.

i love your perfectly shaped red lips, your dimples and round cheeks, your olive skin that stays brown all year, the color of your hair and your big brown eyes.  and i love love love your chubby legs.

i will always think you are beautiful, no matter what size, shape, hair color or career you choose.

thank you for reminding me to slow down and enjoy my mornings with you, that the time i have with you is priceless, and will quickly change.  thank you for coming to our family, and i hope you'll always know how much your dad, brother and i love you.

love, your mom.

dear caleb,

my favorite 5-almost-6-year old boy!  i love walking you to the gate at school everyday where you still want to give me a kiss good-bye, and then take off at full speed, usually roaring or making some loud noise as you go through the gate to go and play with your friends.  i love picking you up, where you run to me, so excited, and jump into my arms and then immediately start chattering about all of the adventures of your time away.  

i love that you are an "old soul" and want to know how things work in a grown-up way.  you have always been such a thinker, and analyze and consider everything.

i love how kind you are to your sister, even when she looks at you like you're a piece of steak and chases you around the room, trying to scratch you.  i love that you never fight back, and never take advantage of being bigger than her.  i love that you have always been gentle with others.

i love how you obey, i notice the small things like being able to leave your leapster in your room all week long and knowing that because i said that you only get to play it at certain times, i can trust that you're going to leave it where it is and not sneak and try to play it.  or i never have to worry about you sneaking candy when you're not supposed to have it, or getting into trouble when you're left on your own during quiet time.  you have such an honest heart and i love that so much about you.

i love your chipmunk giggle, especially when you're tired and it's out of control.

i love that you are happy when you wake up, happy during the day and happy when you go to bed.  i love that you are kind to others.  i love that you still pick me flowers.  i love when you sing with me.  i love especially when you sing the instrumental parts of songs, it makes me laugh and reminds me of myself.  i love when you make up jokes.  i love watching you read books to leah.  

i love hearing your prayers.  you say the most thoughtful things in your prayers, always remembering those who are sick or need extra help, and remind me to be more thoughtful with mine.

i love listening to your thoughts, and all of the facts that you store in your head, and the way that you figure out math and can read so easily and spell words.  i am always amazed at how smart you are, and often get to feel like an idiot having to google search the types of dinosaurs you tell me about.

i love that you adore your dad, and want to grow up to be just like him.  you couldn't have chosen a better hero.

i love that you love rock & roll music and will spontaneously bust into some of the funniest dance moves i have ever seen when music comes on.

i love your beautiful eyes, your dimples, your smile.  even when you have candy in your teeth.

i love that even when things are hard for you physically, or you're afraid to try, that you can come and talk to me and then you go out and do your best.

i love that you love healthy food, and can chow down on a bowl of salad faster than i can.

i love that you have a strong spirit, but somehow are still so sweet.

i love that you are still innocent in the way that you think and feel, and know that it is only a matter of time before that changes.

thank you for these last 5 years, you have taught me so much as i can see myself through your eyes.  you are such a good boy.  i am so proud of all that you have come through and that you still have such an enormous love of life.

love, your mom.