episode 15: body image

so let me preface this video by making a good defense case for how i look in this one:

• they were filming in the hospital while leah was there.
• i had gotten a total of like 3 hours of sleep...not consecutive hours either. 20 minutes here, 5 minutes there. on a plastic couch, no less.
• i had not showered.
• i got ready in about 7 minutes.
• clearly i had not looked in a mirror.

i found it highly ironic that i looked so awesome while we were filming the "body image" episode. but what can you do?

and, about the xenadrine, what they didn't tell you was my explanation for starting to take it in the first place...

• i have an auto immune disorder, called epstein barr syndrome, that i don't tell many people about. almost everyone has EBV at some point in their life (though it's usually associated with getting mono), but mine is chronic and stays in my system. it flares up when i don't get enough rest, or i get sick. basically it just breaks down my immune system and makes me extremely tired. all. the. time. i don't share this often because i hate using it as an excuse for not being able to do something. however, i shared it on the show because i felt it was relevant as to why i started taking these pills. they gave me so much energy and helped me to feel like a normal person.
• i was working 2 jobs at the time...one would end at 1am, the next shift would start at 5:30 am. so with my tough schedule and already being extremely exhausted, i used them as caffeine to function.
• i told ben about them when we were dating and that i hated that i was using them to function. i told him that once we were married and i could quit both jobs, i wanted to stop taking them.
• so i did. on our honeymoon, we had an 11 hour drive. i slept 8 out of 11 hours. in the middle of the day. and i tried so hard to stay awake, but couldn't do it. poor ben.
• anyway, i haven't taken them since. in fact, i stay away from caffeine altogether because i've seen how much it affects my body. and even though it helps me to function, it doesn't feel...normal. it's an unnatural stimulant and whacks me out. i feel nautious, hyper, and feel the effects for a long time. then i usually get a really bad headache the day after.

and lastly.

to the friend i quoted, if you remember saying that to me in choir class, please know that i wasn't offended. i knew how you meant it, and i took it as a compliment. hope you know that i love you!

okay, i will stop justifying. it's just hard because i said like 20 minutes of footage and it was edited down to a couple of minutes.

i just didn't want to come across looking like some crazy closet druggie, with bad hair and severe bags under my eyes.

whatever, those who know me, know me. watch it here!