Self-Love in 2016.

When I've been neglecting loving my body for too long, it starts a revolution, rioting against my choices in three ways:  

1) a terrible complexion 

2) excruciatingly painful, long-lasting headaches

3) severe (like first trimester of pregnancy severe) sluggishness and lack of energy.

So when I woke up today to find a small, yet very defined pimple on my top lip (yes it is absolutely as attractive as it sounds), which went smashingly with the angry ones smattering my cheek, and was barely able to focus my vision before 8:00 am, and had to medicate myself around the clock for the 3 days prior due to a pounding headache above my left eyebrow....I realized it was time to re-learn a painful lesson.

I started working on body acceptance in 2009.  I wrote a blog post about living my life up until that point equating feeling fat to feeling ugly and inadequate.  I was done with that form of self-hatred and worked hard to find a place of love and acceptance for my body just the way it was, right then--without any changes.  I let myself eat what I want when I wanted to, and stopped the negative self-talk, replacing it with positive things instead.  

As my body shaming decreased, I found something interesting:  loving myself on the inside caused me to really look at what loving myself on the outside required.  

I began exercising--not to torture my body, but because I wanted to begin really taking care of it.  It became my daily form of Self Care, and the one hour each day I kept sacred as only for me.  I watched my body become strong and endure more than it ever had.  I grew proud of it, and felt confident about it, regardless of what size and shape it was.

In 2012 I challenged myself to a sugar-free diet for 40 days, in honor of Lent.  I honestly did not believe I could keep that challenge--I had zero faith in my own abilities.  Sugar had been a lifelong friend and addiction.  In spite of my lack of faith, I was able to go the full 40 days with only one tiny lick of my daughter's birthday cake frosting (which was gross by the way). 

What I found during that time was a powerful combination of emotional and physical positive outcomes.  My skin was clear, my usual nagging headaches were gone, my energy was sustained throughout the day....and instead of feeling deprivation through completely shutting down and controlling my sugar intake, I felt empowered, courageous, in awe of my abilities and more than anything....I felt self-love.    

My kids watched me going without sugar, Caleb especially commenting that he thought I was crazy.  I have never used the word diet, only talking about how I felt like sugar controlled me and that I knew it wasn't healthy for my body.  That I wanted to take care of myself, and this was a way I could do it.  

That 40 days started me down a path that I continued for several years.  

When my unexpected pregnancy with Claire showed up, I went straight to survival mode to get through that time and the stressful year after my pregnancy, where I could only function on survival instead of being thoughtful of what I ate and how I took care of my body.  

So here I am in 2016, with my lip pimple, headaches and exhaustion, ready to reprogram my brain after slipping back into old unhealthy, destructive and addictive habits.  

Today I'm on day 1 of being (refined) sugar free.  And I'm on day 1 of exercising.  This work is tough in all areas and takes me a while to actually enjoy it.  But I have also been down the road far enough to know it is completely worth it, and it's a healthy way to show my mind, emotions, spirit and body the love and treatment it deserves.

If anyone wants to join me, I always enjoy company.  Here's to the new year, and to self-love.

shedding the weight.

{one of my new favorite treats--frozen fruit in almond milk}

about 8 years ago when we were living in rexburg, my friend andrea, my mom and myself went to a few classes offered for BYU-Idaho's education week.  our curiosity was peaked by one that was specifically targeted for using the gospel to help with weight loss.  we sat down in the back of the classroom, opened up our scriptures and notebooks, waiting to hear the secrets of dropping pounds that the speaker would bestow upon us.  

within 5 minutes, we were each looking at each other, snickering and rolling our eyes. 15 minutes into the class, we quietly snuck out of the back doors.  once we were out, we started talking about how ridiculous the lady teaching sounded, directing us that when we desired to eat a cookie, to reach past the cookie to pick up our scriptures and "feast upon the word" instead, asking ourselves, what am i hungry for?  how can i fill myself up spiritually and emotionally rather than physically?

feeling she was quite possibly insane, we dismissed the 15 minutes of her lecture.  

when mama wants a cookie, she's gettin' a cookie!  i thought to myself.  sidenote:  sometimes i call myself 'mama.' 

well,  i get to eat a piece of humble pie, pun intended.  one made of leaks and kale and other leafy greens.

because today i am 30 pounds lighter than i was at this same time, last year.  

i didn't do this with pills, or surgery, or an addiction to green tea or caffeine.  it has come off slowly, sometimes the scale going back up before it's gone down again.  it started when i decided to finally do something about my addiction to sugar.  it was something i can say i really REALLY didn't want to do, because oh how i love my sugar.  it's been my best friend for...about 30 years or so.  but my best friend was only offering me outside comfort and immediate gratification instead of long-lasting nutrition and deep-down fulfillment.  

so last march, i decided to go off of refined sugars for 40 days.  i wanted to do it to prove to myself i could.  i have never touched alcohol, smoking or drugs in my entire life--the main reason being that i didn't want to put something into my body that could control me.  where i could wake up the next day and not remember things, or have details become fuzzy...that thought scared me.  not to mention i had raging addicts on both sides of my family, i knew i was probably predispositioned to head down the same destructive path.

and yet even without those other substances, i realized i was an addict of the worst form--the one who was in denial--feeling i was the exception to the rule.  i could walk the line, eating whatever i wanted, whenever i wanted to without repercussions.  in fact, diets made me angry and i stood in judgement of those who were perpetual dieters.  i didn't want to live that way, constantly depriving myself of the things i wanted in order to have a smaller waistline so i could feel better about myself.  i wanted to either love and embrace my body just the way it was, or to have an amazing body and lightning fast metabolism because i just did, like some of the friends and family i had around me.  like a 2 year old with a temper tantrum, inside i was yelling it's not fair!   to prove to myself how unfair it was, i ate sugar wherever and whenever i wanted to, and lied to myself that it was all in the name of "loving and accepting my body" when it really never was that.  

the truth is, i just didn't want to admit i was out of control.  

but last year, i had a moment when something inside told me that i had been fooling myself all along.  maybe before that moment i hadn't been ready to see it, ready to admit that i had a problem.  

i made my announcement publicly, wanting witnesses to help hold myself accountable.  those 40 days were surprisingly easy and surprisingly hard.  easy in the way that i realized i actually could say no to my best friend without feeling guilty.  guilt became replaced with empowerment.  the hard part was realizing just how addicted i actually was.  there were days when i would see something sugary in the cupboards or on the counter and i would obsess about it.  i could not get it out of my head for hours, sometimes days.  then i would get mad again, realizing just how much it was consuming my thoughts.  

and the ironic thing is?  when the obsessive thoughts got really bad....i reached for spiritual or emotional outlets.  whether it was through prayer or calling a friend, or emotionally investing more into my kids and husband.  by reaching out in this way, i found myself on the other side of obsession. i also did affirmations and wrote some of the most emotionally difficult blog posts during this time.  

so i guess that lady in rexburg knew what she was talking about so many years ago.  during the 40 days i lost 8 pounds.  

after it was over, i celebrated with a homemade chocolate chip cookie i had frozen and saved for myself for just this moment.  i didn't want to have to live completely without sugar for my entire life, but instead wanted to find a way to balance it without letting it take control of me again.

since that time i have done another 30 day sugar fast, for the same reasons as the first time.  to keep myself in check after my willpower lost all power during the holidays.  

i still love sugar, and still consume it, but it's in much smaller quantities and i'm constantly checking my emotional state when i'm eating it, searching to see if there's something else i'm avoiding while replacing it for a quick fix of physical satisfaction.

so i'm sitting here, typing this, 30 pounds lighter than i was this january of last year.  i can now see how much losing emotional weight coincides with the losing the physical. the emotional weight came first--fighting to gain control over my thoughts, actions and addictions, becoming vulnerable with not only myself but also publicly, continuing to work on codependency and self-worth issues with loving affirmations and positive thoughts.  

the shedding has taken both emotional and physical work, but today i'm sitting in jeans that are 4 sizes lower than what i was this time last year, and like myself a lot more too. the emotional shedding came first, and in my personal opinion is the one that matters most, because i was healing from the inside out.  but honestly, both feel amazing.

episode 15: body image

so let me preface this video by making a good defense case for how i look in this one:

• they were filming in the hospital while leah was there.
• i had gotten a total of like 3 hours of sleep...not consecutive hours either. 20 minutes here, 5 minutes there. on a plastic couch, no less.
• i had not showered.
• i got ready in about 7 minutes.
• clearly i had not looked in a mirror.

i found it highly ironic that i looked so awesome while we were filming the "body image" episode. but what can you do?

and, about the xenadrine, what they didn't tell you was my explanation for starting to take it in the first place...

• i have an auto immune disorder, called epstein barr syndrome, that i don't tell many people about. almost everyone has EBV at some point in their life (though it's usually associated with getting mono), but mine is chronic and stays in my system. it flares up when i don't get enough rest, or i get sick. basically it just breaks down my immune system and makes me extremely tired. all. the. time. i don't share this often because i hate using it as an excuse for not being able to do something. however, i shared it on the show because i felt it was relevant as to why i started taking these pills. they gave me so much energy and helped me to feel like a normal person.
• i was working 2 jobs at the time...one would end at 1am, the next shift would start at 5:30 am. so with my tough schedule and already being extremely exhausted, i used them as caffeine to function.
• i told ben about them when we were dating and that i hated that i was using them to function. i told him that once we were married and i could quit both jobs, i wanted to stop taking them.
• so i did. on our honeymoon, we had an 11 hour drive. i slept 8 out of 11 hours. in the middle of the day. and i tried so hard to stay awake, but couldn't do it. poor ben.
• anyway, i haven't taken them since. in fact, i stay away from caffeine altogether because i've seen how much it affects my body. and even though it helps me to function, it doesn't feel...normal. it's an unnatural stimulant and whacks me out. i feel nautious, hyper, and feel the effects for a long time. then i usually get a really bad headache the day after.

and lastly.

to the friend i quoted, if you remember saying that to me in choir class, please know that i wasn't offended. i knew how you meant it, and i took it as a compliment. hope you know that i love you!

okay, i will stop justifying. it's just hard because i said like 20 minutes of footage and it was edited down to a couple of minutes.

i just didn't want to come across looking like some crazy closet druggie, with bad hair and severe bags under my eyes.

whatever, those who know me, know me. watch it here!