it's only life, after all.

 {i absolutely love this etsy shop
& will be purchasing from it!}

i took caleb to the doctor today, his regular pediatrician.

her words echoed the thoughts of ben and i, that the leg pain he's been having lately is associated with his cerebral palsy and wants to rule out the possibility that his spinal cysts haven't grown.
we have been told for a couple of years to look for signs like this that could indicate the cysts growing & putting pressure on his spine.

so she ordered another MRI, blood work to check other possibilities, and a consultation with both a neurosurgeon and orthopedic specialist here.

even though i am reassured to hear her opinion is along the same path as mine, what we have ahead {again} is hard to hear.
i know we can handle it.....we've handled it before, along with much worse....

but it still is pretty un-fun to know what is going to lie ahead for mr. caleb.

so after the visit, we came home and ate lunch.

leah went to sleep, and it was just caleb and i.

i decided to focus on just having fun with him, so we played his favorite game.  3 times.

as we were playing, i turned on my favorite pandora station, the brandi carlile station. 

a few songs in, and one of my all-time-pick-me-up songs came on,

indigo girls "closer to fine."

it was the live version....it doesn't get better than that.

i sang along to the song while we played the game, and usually the words and melody put me in such a good mood, but this time was different. 

i don't know what happened, but i looked at caleb and listened to the lyrics and started to cry.

I'm trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
The best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all

Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shore. 

i think it was that last part that hit me, about fear.

i've been working so hard on not fearing the unknown anymore, 

or fearing my insecurities anymore, 

or fearing being hurt,

or fearing what others think of me anymore.

but when it comes to caleb....to my children....it is a different fear than the one i work on inside of myself.

it's a fear that comes with a huge weight of responsibility.  and sometimes that weight is more than i can work through easily.  it keeps me up at night, and wraps its icy fingers around the warmth of happiness and peace and acceptance.

i remember a couple of months ago, writing that as i was learning life's lessons i was worried that then what i had learned would be put to the test.

so i guess that's what this is.  

how to move forward with faith and not fear, 

knowing we aren't just humans wandering around here on earth 

without someone else aware of us.

we have a purpose, and it's to come closer to God.

whether it's through lessons about myself, 

or lessons i learn through others.

such as caleb.

he has to learn these lessons too, 

and maybe going through these physical challenges at a young age

will help him learn them sooner,

bring him closer.

so as much as the mother in me wants to protect him from pain,
trying to prevent that, from him feeling it
could also prevent him from learning
how to overcome it.

he and i finished playing the game, and then he gave me the biggest hug.

"you're the mom i love the most in the world,"

he said as he hugged me.

i hugged him back, then tickled him

as we went up the stairs to his bedroom to clean his fish tank.

i came back down, and listened to the song one more time.

but instead of crying, i let the words lift me up and remind me

that we're all in this together.

we're all searching for answers, and looking for signs,

and hoping for someone to tell us we're doing the right thing.

especially in times that feel so un-clear.

and i know,

i just know

that we're going to be okay.

There's more than one answer to these questions

pointing me in crooked line

The less I seek my source for some definitive

The closer I am to fine.