Tuesday, March 29, 2011

when weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth meet a hormonal pregnant woman.

that is IT.  


i was waiting to write about the woes of this pregnancy when the black cloud of plague had finally parted and moved away from our house, but it seems like that is never going to happen.


so i'm just going to write, and write honestly.  it may sound like complaining, and it probably is.  but i just don't care anymore.  if anything, this a reminder to myself when i am no longer pregnant what actually happens to me when i am, so that i will be well aware next time of what i am getting into.  you know, in case the next one is planned and all of that.

i am laying next to a sleeping-in-between-violently-vomiting-caleb, and listening to leah cough into the baby monitor, and i am propped up sitting in my new sleeping position so that i can breathe between my own coughing attacks.

here is the thing about this pregnancy.

i had the normal everyday-24-hour-nonstop nausea that started at week 2 {i'm not exaggerating here, that was how i knew so quickly to take the test} and went until almost 4 months along.  but i endured it, hoping for that soon to be rush of feeling better and having more energy.

into the second trimester, the migraines started.  knock on wood, i can actually say that those have calmed down. 

at 20 weeks i suddenly felt like i was punched in the nether-regions so severely that it was painful to put on a pair of pants, roll over in bed, not to mention actually walk.  that feeling has not subsided, and there is nothing so far that i have found that can ease the pain.  i thought i was going crazy until i sent a facebook message out to my recently pregnant friends, asking if any of them have experienced the same thing.  and was relievedslashdisappointed to find out that it is, in fact normal.  not for everyone, only for us lucky ones.

this is separate, by the way, from the sharp, jabbing pain {aka round ligament pain} on both sides of my abdomen that i get every time i roll over or get up too quickly.  not the same thing, or even close.  that is a fleeting pain, like a charley horse.  this nether-regions pain is constant.

at 22 weeks i had what i can only imagine was a pelvic bone pop out of joint for an entire day, leaving me bent over, unable to even stand up straight.  that day i had to call ben crying, asking for him to please come home early because i couldn't even imagine picking up leah to put her in the tub & pull her back out, let alone walk up the stairs to get to the bathtub.  my fear was that it would continue, and i was going to have to call in for extra help.  luckily, at about 2am that night, i sllllooowwwllyyy rolled over in bed and cried out in pain as something in my lower abdomen/upper left thigh made a loud POP! and i immediately felt relief.  

but let's just try to chalk all of these things up to the woes of pregnancy, shall we?  

that's fine, i can deal with it.

what i can't deal with, and had a somewhat emotional breakdown last week over....is that i have these things going on combined with what has felt like continual sickness between caleb, leah and myself since, oh....october?  november?  

two sinus infections, strep throat, the stomach flu twice, on top of just the "normal" flu and colds multiple times.  round and round and round we go.  i was so excited during spring break that we were actually healthy and the thought crossed my mind that we were through the worst of it.  then the weekend came, and it looks like we still aren't, and with this new barfing caleb i am doing all i can to muster up positive thoughts that the rest of us will avoid this one.  because honestly, i'm still recovering from my last one that started two weeks ago!

it's interesting for this self-proclaimed germaphobe to now have the tables turned.

when now, we are are the germ.

i have done more laundry in these few months than i have in my entire lifetime combined, i'm sure.  i keep changing sheets, pillowcases, washing blankets and stuffed animals and towels.  i have sanitized everything.  i wash our toothbrushes in the dishwasher. i vacuum and dust, and lysol wipe it all down.  bathe the kids every day. it's never ending.

so yes, i had an emotional breakdown.  last thursday to be exact.  after coming home from my doctor's appointment, discouraged that i had another sinus infection, that it hurt just to walk, that both of my kids were sick, and that i felt like i hadn't really enjoyed this pregnancy....that is the truth.  not really, not for one minute.  

i had called ben who was watching leah during my appointment, to tell him that the baby was confirmed a girl, and he said on the other line, "oh, that's great.  congratulations."  not in a mean way, but in a somewhat distant way.  and i became really sad, because i knew the tone in his voice echoed exactly my own feelings.  i have been distant from pretty much any joy i am supposed to be feeling right now, because the only thing i have been feeling for the past few months is,

push, push, push.

i push myself to do just the daily household responsibilities.  i push myself to do anything more than that like deep clean.  i push myself to wake up to take caleb to school in the morning.  i push myself to fulfill my church calling....which should be a relatively simple one, yet in true karma fashion, we are constantly getting sick either the day before or the day of that 11-15 girls are supposed to show up to my house for an activity.  i push myself to do anything fun with my friends, i push myself to put make-up on.  i push myself to go on a vacation, and while i'm on that vacation, i push myself to do anything but sleep.

not only have i pushed myself physically when i haven't felt well, but i think the real straw that broke the camel's back is that i've pushed myself emotionally.  i have been worried about caleb, and about his legs, but i haven't really let myself go there yet.  because we've just been coping with so many other things, i have not dealt with and really let myself feel the worry.  a couple of times i have talked about my concerns, and that i'm anxious about the upcoming tests.  but mostly i've just pushed through.  

i'm also anxious about this upcoming baby....i always get anxious about newborns.  probably because my first experience with one was traumatic and my second experience with one was just exhausting.  those 10 hour crying bouts took their toll as well.  i'm usually the one pregnant girl who doesn't want the baby to come early, no matter how uncomfortable i am.  so knowing that the months are creeping by and i'm getting closer to "go time" without really working through or dealing with my anxiety about it is also taking its toll.

for 90% of the week, i am on my own in this.  ben is gone almost every week day by 6:30 am, and not home until somewhere around 9:30 or 10 pm.  he used to have fridays clear, which was so fantastic.  but lately his homework has been piling on, so he has been gone most fridays to meet with professors or to do hours worth of homework.  saturdays are our only day to work on the yard, and try to help me get caught up, and to spend a little time together.  on sundays he has a church calling, so even if i do feel well enough to go, i am usually home with one of our sick kids and have to go to the 1:00 sacrament meeting by myself.

so thursday, i rushed home from the doctor so that ben could leave for class, and walked in the door feeling completely deflated and discouraged.  

and started to cry.

"iamjustsosickofbeingsickandtiredandourkidsbeingsosickandtired!" i blubbered with tears streaming down my face.

and ben, who is so good to me, gave me a big hug and told me how sorry he was.  

i knew that he is just as overwhelmed in his situation as i am in mine.  i know he feels alone with the weight of his schoolwork and providing and helping, just as alone as i feel in my position.  we are both being pushed to the brink again.

and the problem is, when people have offered to help, i don't know how to take them up on it.  sure, want to me to send over my vomiting child to play with yours?  can you help pop my pelvic bone back into place?  can you put some mascara on for me?

so instead, i isolate.  

which i know isn't healthy, i just don't know what to even ask for, when asking for help.  so i just don't.  

except on facebook, which i am absolutely certain my friends are seriously sick and tired of me venting about our million diseases and how sick of it i am.  i'm grateful for their support though, and even though i feel like a total whiner, it helps just to have someone say that they're sorry for what we're going through, or that they've been there & it will get better.

i'd like to say that once the tears with ben were through, that i felt better.  but holy cow, thursday was an emotional roller coaster for me.  

i completely fell apart in my therapy group, so much so that when i could feel it coming, i almost got up and left just because i knew it was going to get ugly.  and i think i should have listened to that instinct, because i have never cried so hard in front of a crowd before.  you know when you can't even get words out because your throat is so tight?  and then when words come out, they squeak out instead of sound normal?   and when i was actually getting the words out i felt like such a big, enormous baby.  

i'm sobbing over being sick so much?  really?

the girls were all really nice, and didn't treat me like i was a wuss.  and have been really kind and concerned since then, but it's just so hard for me to get all vulnerable that way with people.  i have had support.  andrea has been such a good friend, and so great to listen to me complain, and to show up with a treat at just the right time.  and there are friends in the ward who have reached out, and i know i need to let someone help.  like i said though, i just don't know what to ask for.

sigh, sigh, sigh.

this writing is good, it definitely helps.  it helps me to put things into perspective.

life is not unbearable right now.  but i'm also going to let myself say that it has been hard.  i've been through harder things, but that doesn't mean that this isn't hard on me.  

i have been taking care of caleb in between writing this.  my poor little guy.  it's so hard to not be able to take this from him.  the way things have been going though, i'm sure i will get my turn.  okay, that's cynical.  honest, but cynical.  

i'm going to go and cough up a lung and then get as much rest as i can now, since caleb is finally sleeping.  

and as soon as this black cloud has parted, you will see the most positive post ever from me.  

i know i should edit this, a re-read it before i post it, because i may regret it in the morning.  but i'm totally not going to.

thanks for letting me vent.

and p.s.?  i just emailed our landlords with a request for a mold inspector to come out here.  just in case.


Andrea said...

I love you! This post was perfect - I am so glad you didn't edit it. It was real - and I know foer me its good to know I am not the only mom who has felt like she has reached the end of her rope/sanity/energy reserves. I don't know why you are getting tested this way - maybe your going to be called to RS pres. next month (hahahah don't kill me for saying that)but I do know that you are amazing, going to get through this and shine on the other side and are a complete inspiration to me daily. I really do love you!
And PS. I do know how to pop hips. Just sayin

Rachel Holloway said...

I too am glad there was no edit. I totally, totally totally wish there were something to take it away and make everything just feel better. I wish there were the right thing to say that would ease the pain.
And yet, there isn't. And that's a helpless feeling.

We think of you guys so often. We pray for you. We want you to know you are not facing this burden alone--even though we cannot stop over and take your barfing child or put on mascara for you. :) TRULY hoping the clouds will part and you will see the most magnificent sunset ever...

Desiree said...

I just think your freaking awesome for putting your feelings out there... raw & real! That takes a real woman! Honestly, none of this seems like whining to me. These are your problems & they are huge to you & I think you should label them as exactly just that. Even though you have been through worse, even though there are others who are going through worse right now as I write this, none of that minimizes what you are experiencing. I really hope & pray that you get rid of all this illness & things can get back on track. I hope maybe you can enjoy a little bit of this pregnancy but if not, no big deal! You'll enjoy your baby girl when she's in your arms!

Alicia Alee said...

I'm totally there to do your mascara, I love make-overs!!! :) Or you could just borrow Jocie, she loves experiencing with makeup haha :) I love you Lynsey girl, you are fantastic!! I loved how honest and real you wrote, it feels like so many a Mom's reality. I know sometimes everything is so overwhelming and stressful and exhausting, and we all feel the same way you do at times!! I know I am guilty so many times myself of feeling discouraged or helpless with different circumstance in my own life, but one thing I have learned is that letting all the stress and anxiety get to me doesn't make it go away, or make it feel any better, but my remembering that the Lord has gone through all of the feelings I have ever felt, and knows my pain, and loves me completely and unconditionally, gives me strength and comfort beyond words ... I've realized that I have to keep things in perspective, and that when things are tough, I have to remember that Heavenly Father will help me get through anything, and will be there for me, and that I need to have faith in His plan for me, and that all the trials and hardships are helping me to grow and learn in ways I can't imagine or sometimes even desire! :) I know all these things are helping me to reach my divine potential as a daughter of God, the potential each of us have as spirit children of a Heavenly King, and that there is so much joy and blessings in store for us if we have patience and endurance ... keep calm and carry on Lyns :) You have so much strength and love and compassion and patience, even though you don't feel like it sometimes! You are an inspiration to all those around you, and have grown so much since the years I have known you in our old 11th Ward :) You're amazing Lynsey, keep up your stalwart faith and perserverance. It may get worse before it gets better, but there is always a bright crown in store and promise of a glowing future :) hang in there, and vent away, it's great for relieving some stress!! :)

Garcizzals said...

Lyns!! You are an incredible woman!!! Rememeber us being in FH ward pregnant with Caiden and Caleb at the same time? That was some fun times. I feel your pain! I too have gone through similiar stuff. Just keep good thoughts in your mind and dont give into Satans power!! He wants you to give up and to loose! If I were closer to you, I would gladly take your throwing up child becuase Cameron does that everytime he has a couphing attack!!!! They would be cute buddies together. Hang in there! Don't get nervous for the newborn. You are a pro!!! You have done it twice before. Love ya girl!!!!

Sarah and Addison said...

I would like to reinterate what your other friends have said--thank you. While I know that you are absolutely frustrated beyond belief, I am grateful to know that a woman that I respect and admire also feels the way I sometimes do. I think, as women, we tend to isolate ourselves and think that no one has felt/been through what we are going through. I have not been in your exact situation, so I won't say I know how you feel, but I know our Heavenly Father does and I'll put in a good word for you :)

Alison D. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Alison D. said...

I agree...I love that you did not edit this, which makes it so much more real to all of us, and it's also great therapy! For you, to vent and release some frustration, and for us who read it so that we can realize, "Wow..if Awesome Lynsey (and never doubt that you ARE awesome)feels this bad and is struggling, then I guess it's okay for me to feel that way too sometimes! We can all identify in some way. I like to think of these dark places we occasionally find ourselves in, simply by virtue of being human, as places we have to visit now and then in order to gain insight and perspective. Granted, sometimes the visits last longer than we'd like, but thanks to the Atonement, we know we won't have to dwell there indefinitely. We love you guys and think of you as extended family, so we hope you'll never hesitate to call on us if there's anything we can do for you!

Clancypants said...

I love that you didn't edit.

I'll put on your mascara for you. Oh, wait. I live in Idaho.

But the mental image of me putting on your mascara for you gave me a good laugh all the way in Idaho...

I hope you feel better soon. Like, now.

amandamenghini said...

so you are planning to have 4 or 5 more kids, right? Ha ha ha.

Seriously loved your post. And glad I am not the only one with experiences like this. I think you should read this to the young women as an abstinence lesson. Because I had no idea going in exactly everything pregnancy would be. Who would have thought the actual pushing part would be the easy part- at least it is over then!

Rachel Chick said...

Well, I wrote a long comment that just got deleted magically. So here's the meat --- will you send me your phone number -- maybe via facebook (have you already done that before? I should check.) -- cause I think we need to chat more. Since I can't seem to make it down there to visit.

Second. You're doing great. PUSHING is exhausting. Being alone in it, is exhausting. Pregnancy is exhausting. But you'll make it. I know you will. Lastly, never hesitate to vent on your blog. You've got a lot of people out here who love you dearly and are praying for you and your family. You're not alone.

Megan said...

And this is why I love you. Honestly. Mean it. Every word.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there Lynsey..."this too shall pass"!! :)

Kurt and Kristy said...

I have to agree with everyone. I love that you posted this because we have all gone through times like this and you feel like you're the only one! We gave had our fair share of sickness too and it is exhausting!! You are an amazing mother and everytime I read your blog I wish I could be more like you! Hang in there and know you're not alone and you can vent anytime!!!

Sara and Company said...

It would be nice if these amazing bodies would stay amazing all the time and if what was "natural" came naturally. (((hugs)))

Stallion said...

Oh my dear friend I am so sorry that life is difficult for you right now. You are dealing with some very difficult challenges. Challenges that I can relate to. Pregnancy can be - No .... Pregnancy IS one of the hardest things a woman has to go through. And it seams like the older we get and the more babies we have, the more our bodies want to revolt.

What's amazing is that we actually DO survive. Even when we are sure that we won't, we do. And before you know it, you will be holding that precious little girlie and realizing how much every misery was worth it. I remember when I was pregnant with my last (Olivia), one of the only things that got me through it was your blog. Pictures of darling little Leah (who was born four months ahead of my due date) got me focusing on the invaluable end product. I wish I could help you in the same way you helped me back then, but somehow clinging to others that are going through the same thing is helpful, and I am not about to get pregnant so that we can co-miserate! ha ha ha

All I can say is hang in there.

Also, I am sorry about the constant sickness. Our household is like that almost every year. We dump so much money into doctor's visits it is ridiculous. I think it is just part of getting through those young years. The kiddos just get sick constantly. You may not remember that last year I hung a quarantine sign on my door and my blog because I was sure that we had the on going viral plague. The good news? This year has been wonderful! (knock on wood) But perhaps...... just perhaps your kids will start building up some immunity to these viruses going around so that next year when you have a little baby to care for, you will have a break from the junk.

Again... Hang in there. You can do it - It will be over before you know it - and It is so worth it!!


Stallion said...

Oops. I guess I am blogging while logged into my hubby's account. Don't be freaked out. Stallion is my studly man. It's just me...... Joce