i read this today, and loved it.

"God is in the midst of her; 
she shall not be moved; 

God will help her when morning dawns."

gobble gobble.

we've had such a fun week & a fantastic thanksgiving.

my sister and her family have come to stay with us, and my kids are in some serious heaven.  cousin time galore, laughter, meltdowns, movies, games, staying up too late causing more meltdowns, tons and tons of games, and the fun is still going.  it makes me realize just how much i've missed them.

we made our first ever real turkey for thanksgiving and i have to say it turned out simply spectacular.  we brined it overnight, syringed it full of rosemary garlic butter, then stuffed it with apples, celery and onions.  

some of the males in our group just wanted me to take a picture of it while it was still in its nasty bag and roasting pan~~what?!?  our first turkey?!?  blasphemy.  

i poured cranberries in the bottom of a much nicer-looking ceramic platter and then snapped a picture.  looking at it now, it's a little disturbing to me for some reason.  i won't go into details of what this picture is reminding me of, except to use one word:  

childbirth.  

but anyway, at the time the turkey looked nice.

my sister's husband brett was a trooper and took out the innerds for me because the thought made me dry heave.  

cue the heave:

he also did the turkey massage with rosemary garlic butter.  and then he stuffed it.  oh who am i kidding, brett pretty much prepared the whole thing.  and then carved it too.

between helping out with the kids, and then contracting some sort of strange infection in my knee, i had to direct him from a chair.  but i will pat myself on the back and say i am awesome at reading a recipe and telling someone else how to do things!  

more pictures from the day:

pre-dinner nap time.

pre-dinner reading time.

carbs!!

the peeps:

i love love love my sister.

and after dinner. 

this picture pretty much described the feeling in my belly {happiness!}:

thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays for the mere fact that i really slow down and take time to look at my blessings.  life is not perfect, but it's never going to be.  i'm not trying to be pessimistic, that is me accepting things for where they are and being grateful for who i am, right now.  not beating myself up for needing to be more, do better.  just accepting, and loving my life right now, as it is.

i look at where we were a year ago, and where we are today and i can see how many things have fallen into place, how God is aware of my little family, how continually pushing ourselves to do hard things and come through on the other side always leads to happiness.

i'm thankful for blessings, i'm thankful for trials, i'm thankful for health, for love, for marriage, for calm babies and happy children, for family and friends, for God, for sacrifice, for mercy, for forgiveness, for my Savior, for this life.

i am thankful.

two weeks in photos

smooch!

story time.

what was once lost, now is found.

chubby cheeks.

pretty girl.

end of season.

strange sleep habits.

running over

{caleb took this picture.  i kinda like it.}

the past couple of weeks have felt like a whirlwind.

erase that....the past month or two have felt like a whirlwind.  between starting a new job that i'm getting the hang of, and ben's homework piling on and on, and all of the rest that comes with kids and friends and family, i haven't had much time to just be still for a moment.  my simple little life seems to have vanished with the hundred degree temperatures, blowing in cooler nights and chaotic days all at once.

i feel like even when i sit down, i need to be doing something.  folding laundry.  feeding a baby.  sorting paperwork.  cleaning out a closet.  and honestly?  that's not a feeling i love.  i like to feel like things are in order, and i have time to actually enjoy myself.  i don't know....read a book?  paint?  write?

i've felt like my plate is so full--too full. 

i kind of lost my mind on friday, after being pretty sleep deprived, to jumping up at 7am to go! go! go!  get caleb off to school, get ready to go into work for an hour, get leah and the baby fed & dressed.  it doesn't sound like much, but there was a lot more in between all of that.  friday just felt like one of those days when anything that could go wrong, did.  and those things went wrong always at the last minute, leaving me frazzled from the get go.

leaving out all of the whiny details, by about 3:30 pm i had had enough.  i was stressed out, and feeling angry and anxious and just over all not awesome.  so, i went back to my roots of therapy, one of the first things i was taught was to stop stuffing my emotions.  stop telling myself to not be angry/anxious/stressed, and instead just own the feelings.  because sometimes life just is stressful.

i could feel my insides just boiling, and i didn't want to explode, specifically because i knew i would explode on someone, but there was no one who was really to blame for all of these situations.  i was worried that my kids or ben would become collateral damage to my stress. 

"i'm going outside in the backyard to throw ice cubes,"  i announced to caleb.

his eyes grew wide.  he knows what this means.

throwing ice cubes is something that caleb gets to do when he's having an emotional meltdown.  it's not for every time he is mean, it's saved for those special days when he's really angry and continually freaking out over things, unable to control his emotions.

we have him go in the backyard, throw ice cubes, and yell about everything he's mad about, no matter what it is.  {most of the time it's about ben, me and leah so that's fun.}  it works like a charm though, almost always ending in him laughing.  once he's finished, he comes back inside and is calm.

"why?"  he asked.

"i'm just feeling really frustrated right now, and i think it will help me to feel better," i explained.

"can i watch?"  he asked.

"sure," i said, as i was filling up a big kitchen bowl with ice cubes.

he watched from inside, standing at the window with a big smile on his face.

i threw ice cube after ice cube, as hard as i could, against our cement wall, watching them explode into pieces.  i didn't yell as i threw them, but i did think in my head every little single thing that i was mad or frustrated about.  i finished the bowl, and felt better but wasn't done.

so i came back inside and started filling up the bowl again.

"i think i need to do some more,"  i said to caleb.  "want to come help me this time?"

"YES!"  he said, so excited.  "you say what you're mad about and then we'll BOTH throw ice cubes!"

i laughed over his excitement, it was like i had just offered him a day in disneyland.

"good idea," i replied, as we went back out the door with another full bowl.

"okay, what are you mad about?"  he asked me, his arm back, his fist clutching the ice cube.

"I'M MAD WHEN I'M LATE FOR THINGS!"  i yelled, not too loudly so the neighbors wouldn't think we were completely nuts.

"O-KAY!"  caleb yelled back, and we chucked our ice cubes as hard as we could.  "what else?"

"I'M MAD WHEN MY KIDS FIGHT AND ARE MEAN TO EACH OTHER!"  i yelled, and was kind of hesitant about it.  i wasn't sure if that would bother him, expressing my anger about something related to him.  but he took it like a champ.

"YES!"  he yelled, and we threw more ice cubes.  "keep going!"

"I'M MAD WHEN I DON'T HAVE TIME TO DO THINGS I WANT TO DO!"

"NICE!"  i love that he was yelling too, but his yells were cheering me on.

"I'M MAD THAT I DON'T FEEL ORGANIZED!"

"WHAT DOES ORGANIZED MEAN, MOM?"  he yelled, as we threw.  so i explained.  "okay, next one!"

"I'M MAD WHEN JUNE POOPS OUT OF HER CLOTHES AND ALL OVER ME, RIGHT BEFORE I'M LEAVING TO PICK YOU UP FROM SCHOOL!!"

at that, he laughed.  you know, because i said the word 'poop.'  boys.

"GOOD ONE!"  and we both giggled as we threw ice cubes this time.

we threw one after the other, and i felt the stress and anxiety and anger melting off of me as i watched the ice cubes become a puddle on our back porch.

as we finished, i thanked him for his help, we high-fived before we walked inside, and i felt much better about life.

it started me thinking about when people say they have  "too much on their plate."  then i thought about when they say their "cup runneth over."  

both sayings mean that things are full to bursting, spilling over.  abundant.  but one feels a little pessimistic, the other optimistic....like the glass half empty/full concept.  and i realized that for me, the difference between the two sayings is recognizing my blessings, and gifts, and that i'm living a full and happy {if i choose it} life.

being honest, i do miss the quietness of a year ago.  there were still things going on, but it felt like i could breathe a little more often than i have been lately.  i love simple days when i can just play with leah and help caleb with his homework, and talk to june, and then spend time with ben when the kids are in bed.  when the dishwasher is running, and i can hear the hum of the dryer going.

after i threw ice cubes, the day did not slow down.  it was full to the brim with running, shouts, spills, tears, laughing, chasing, crying, smiling, excitement.  until i crashed in bed extremely too late, knowing in just a few short hours i would begin again.

no matter how much is on my plate, i look at my life and realize i am surrounded by what is most important....love.

and my cup runneth over.

villains vs. superheroes

happy halloween!!!

a video: june laughing (3 months)

as a debut of our first official video to be posted on this blog,

we thought it would be appropriate to make it the video

of june laughing & going insane.

of course, if i had a loony woman in my face 

giggling like a chipmunk and saying i was "CRAZY" 

over & over again,

i might act the same way she did.

yes i make a fool of myself here.....let's just focus on june though, shall we??



ALSO.  i'm doing our first video blog review over at baby half off!!


CLICK HERE to watch!

first giveaway!!

okay, this giveaway is awesome.....seriously.  {worth almost $200!!!}

and because i'm new & not many people know about the blog yet, 

NO ONE has entered to win it. 

so CLICK HERE and enter!!

excited!!

 {this is june, when she's excited.}

{caleb and leah, when they're excited.}

{ben when he's excited....or, just being a dork.}

 {annnnnd me.  i couldn't find a true "excited" picture of myself.  

it was a toss up between this one & one during labor with june, which was more "freaked out" than "excited" so i went with this one.  

which is really just a picture of me flipping my hair up & andrea snapping away.  

but i look pretty excited about it, don't i?}

so, friends.

i'm excited to let you know that i'm now part of the Baby Half Off team as their company blogger!!

this was the dream i was referring to in this post....getting paid to write and do something that i love, while also being able to stay home with my kids.  i have thought for a long time i was asking for too much, that i wouldn't be able to find something that fit me so perfectly.  i'm so grateful for this opportunity and for how much it will help our family out.

this isn't the first job along these lines that i've applied for.  there was an offer a few months ago {right after june was born} that ended up falling through.  i was disappointed, and tried really hard not to tell myself that it was because i wasn't good enough....easier said than done.

but i really feel that part of this whole thing was actually believing that i could do it.  then saying it out loud to someone, and then finally....putting myself out there and asking for what i was hoping for.  and the timing has been perfect.

the company is great, they have AMAZING deals, and the people i work with are wonderful.  

so i get to write over there, doing product reviews, hosting giveaways and also doing video blogs {yikes!  i'm much better behind the computer than i am on camera.} while also continuing to write for myself & my family over here.

anyway, that's the big news!!  i am so excited about it.  now i just have to figure out how to handle all that is on my plate without going prematurely gray....

so here's my first post, with a giveaway to follow tonight!!

an enormous THANK YOU to my friends and family who have supported me and believed in me....even before i could believe in myself. 

learning to love holland.

my fantastic friend, meggan, emailed this to me a long time ago.

i've been writing how i feel about it, but haven't gotten my jumbled thoughts just right about it yet.  about how my "trip to holland" brought out anxiety, and fear, and stress.  how i have been working extremely hard the past year and a half to try to quiet that anxiety and let go.

i will finish writing my experience, because i think it's important.  not just for me, but for other moms who have had a child with disabilities or extreme health problems that has brought out anxiety in them, because the letting go process has helped me enjoy being caleb's mother so much more than the anxiety did.  the anxiety was a false sense of security that kept me wound up tightly, hyper-alert, taking away my ability to truly enjoy.

anyway, my piece will come.  but until it does, read this.  even if you haven't ever had a child with special needs, read between the lines and apply it to other situations in your life.  whether it's becoming a parent, or a marriage that takes a turn, or a job that wasn't what you thought it would be, an unexpected death, or even that your life just isn't what you hoped.  where you went into something expecting one thing, but finding another.  there is the need to grieve the loss of certain things in life, and that's okay.  

i've learned that once i've recognized and acknowledged the loss and grieved it, the most important part is releasing it.  seeing the blessings that are there, in any situation. 

appreciating the tulips.









WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by
Emily Perl Kingsley.
c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

a calming influence.

on caleb's blessing day in 2005 i was an absolute wreck.  caleb hadn't slept all night, but had stayed up screaming, until he finally fell asleep at 5 a.m.  i then had to make the judgement call between getting two hours of sleep, or taking a shower and start getting ready.  i chose sleep.

so i had greasy hair, dark circles under my eyes, and probably a stress pimple or two.  i wasn't feeling my best.

ben and i were so worried that caleb would scream, or worse, have a seizure, during his blessing.  we said a prayer before we left that he would be calm, and hoped for the best.  as church started, caleb began to cry so i took him to the mother's lounge to try to feed him and calm him down.  while we were in there, he had a seizure, and fell into his deep, coma-like, post-seizure sleep.  i cried over what i could not stop, wiped my tears, and went back to sit down.  he slept through his blessing, not stirring for the rest of the meeting.

as we drove over to the park to meet with our family and friends, caleb had another seizure.  and fell asleep.  i was in the back seat with him, and i cried again over my inability to comfort him, wiped the tears away, and went to join our loved ones for food and pictures.  

mentally, emotionally and physically i was exhausted.  during the lunch, i continually heard comments like, "oh he's such a good baby!" and "it's amazing, he sleeps through everything!" and i kept quiet, not saying the reason that he was in such a deep sleep.  i'm not really sure why, except that i didn't want to sound dramatic when i expressed that caleb was actually the most difficult baby i had ever encountered {and i had encountered a few in my lifetime}.  i worried that they wouldn't believe me, because here he was, looking and acting like an angel.

i tried to focus on the positive...that he was calm during his blessing, and he was calm for others to be able to enjoy him and that even though i had felt i had aged 5 years in the 3 months he had been alive....that he was alive, and he was my baby.  i loved him with an overwhelming love and was grateful for all he had already taught me.

****************

on leah's blessing day in 2009, stress came because i had caused it, planning too much and overdoing it.  the swine flu had just broken out, the first case of death happening about a mile or two from our apartment.  because caleb had been such a sick newborn, we were cautious with leah.  family members were concerned as they flew in for the blessing that they were going to catch it, so we changed from having the blessing at a church, to having it in our little apartment.

i was also participating in the real mom's guide online show, and they had asked to be able to film us while we were with our families.  i had agreed, which looking back now, was too much.  i stressed myself out, worrying what i looked like because i was now going to be on camera, what our house looked like, trying to fit enough chairs so that people could be comfortable in our small space, baking and preparing food for everyone.

there were a lot of fun moments that weekend, and there was happiness and laughter, but i realized when it was over, i hadn't really enjoyed the actual experience of blessing our new baby girl.  because i had crammed so much in, i had felt internally chaotic, and the chaos had taken over the joy.

*********************

two weeks ago was june's blessing day.

this time i decided to do things differently.  i wanted the day to be simple, low-key and not stressful.  my house was clean but not sparklingly immaculate, i didn't bake or cook but instead allowed others to bring food or i bought it from the store.  our clothes were set out the night before, i was showered and went to sleep at a decent time.

for me, the day was perfect. 

spending it enjoying my family and friends, and specifically this sweet baby girl.

in june's blessing, she was told that her "calming influence would bless her life and the lives of those around her."  i absolutely love those words, and have felt that since she has been born. her quiet and content spirit has been a healing piece for me as a mother.  

i know i've written a little about this already, but before she was born, i honestly had convinced myself that i was only going to be given difficult babies.  that there was some sort of lesson i needed to learn through them.  in the back of my heart, my fear was there was something that i did or had done, or was doing to make my newborns scream.  i knew in my head it wasn't true, but i couldn't convince myself entirely that it wasn't my fault. 

i know now it wasn't my fault.  

isn't that such a weird thing to say?  i don't know how to really explain it.  but i took on their inability to be comforted as my inability to comfort, wondering if i was somehow the cause of it all.

i have also released myself from doing too much.  i have accepted that i'm not one of those fabulous party planners, who goes all out with decorating and baking and hosting.  i love attending parties like those, and admiring the talents of others.  it's not that i can't do it, i just choose not to, and don't feel badly about that choice anymore.  i no longer hold myself up to the standard i see others set for themselves, and i accept where i'm at without feeling one ounce of guilt for it. 

much like my daily life, i love most just keeping things simple, and laid-back.  doing things low-key helps me enjoy the rest of it without the chaos crowding in and taking over. 

i can focus on moments like these, 

so when the day is over, i can look and see that i have enjoyed 

what i am most grateful for.