Monday, October 17, 2011

releasing my grip.

{june holds her toes together like they're fingers and i love it.}

a couple of weeks ago, i spoke a dream of mine out loud, for the first time, to a friend on the phone.

it's a dream i've been carrying around in my heart for several years now, but haven't dared to say it.  i know why i haven't dared to, because i feel insecure and like who am i to be asking for so much?  

i have accepted what i feel i am worth, and have told myself that others are the ones who go out and do.  i do not.  i like my comfort zone, and will accept what falls in my lap instead of putting myself out there.  the fear of rejection or failure or i'm just not good enough has a way of shutting things down quickly.

but i've been feeling a shift again, inside of myself.  maybe it's that the temperature here is finally {sometimes} dropping below 100 and i can think more clearly without the heatstroke interrupting my thought process.  {i am really, really wanting an evening walk in utah's october right now, with wind picking up swirling leaves as i wrap a sweater around myself.} or it could be that i am surrounded by really great, deep-thinking people who allow me to search inside of myself as i listen to them.  i am watching those i love challenge themselves, take risks and stretch in ways that cause me to ache for the same. 

so i've been listening to this voice inside, this whisper-lynsey that usually hides back in the corner of wishful thinking and push yourself harder.  i've felt for the past month or so that i've been on the cusp of breaking through some serious things.  i have made mistakes while sitting on this cusp, and have had to ask for forgiveness as i've tried to figure myself out.  i'm not sure how to do this on my own yet so i feel like i'm muddling through a bit.  but i'm getting there, and i can feel it.

i've held on a long time to the idea that i am not good enough to do what i dream to do, and the fear of failure at even trying has kept a tight grip on the lid around the jar that holds these dreams.

but i have started to loosen my grip, and allow myself to believe that i can do it, to just try.  as i spoke this one particular dream aloud to a trusted friend, i was reassured that i am good enough and it isn't too much for me to ask.  i felt that whisper-version of myself breathe a huge sigh of relief of acceptance, and start to come out of her hiding space, just a little.

the day after dreaming aloud, i met a stranger.  we were talking, and somewhere along our conversation, this whisper-lynsey came to the forefront and spoke.  and put myself out there, and tried.   

i was thinking today, as i am getting ready to begin something new this week, and i'm excitedslashnervous about it, that this has come to pass because of a willingness to let go.  i have kept myself in a certain space for so long.  one that has been created by both myself and others, and circumstances.  but i don't have to stay in that space.  i can be different, better.  i can push myself to take risks, because i don't have to hold onto these insecurities anymore.

releasing the grip, and being open. 

this is when good things come. now i am accepting that i have the ability to do them.  and actually deserve them.

{i will share what this is, soon!}

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