“Life always bursts the boundaries of formulas. Defeat may prove to have been the only path to resurrection, despite its ugliness. I take it for granted that to create a tree I condemn a seed to rot. If the first act of resistance comes too late it is doomed to defeat. But it is, nevertheless, the awakening of resistance. Life may grow from it as from a seed.”
i've felt a little lost, all day. for so long through this ride called Graduate School, i've felt surety and seen clarity--even when ben could neither feel or hear those things himself. today is rare, when both of those things have been missing inside, and the void of them has knocked me off my normal balance.
it looks as though the Miracles he has been working so hard for are not going to come to fruition--again. if we accept what he is being told, (which we aren't being given much of an option) then we will be accepting a 3rd extra year of school. extra. on top of what is already required. and as much time as i've spent emotionally preparing myself for this possibility, because i could see us heading for it months ago, today i've finally felt a piece of what this good man has felt for a long time:
weary.
he came home tonight and we hugged, holding on like two deflated balloons trying to cling to whatever small pockets of air were left. i told him for the first time in a while, i didn't know whether he could look to me for the usual pep-talk-filled-with-affirmations i provide when he walks through the front door of the Pink House with furrowed brows and sadness in his brown eyes. i no longer felt sure of my speech--tonight i needed someone to give me that lift.
though we will most likely be here another year, we are learning--ben is learning-- this battle is not just about Graduate School, but is his lifelong battle of Worth. for some that battle takes place in relationships, or careers, or childhood trauma, or addictions. for him it takes place in School.
we are used to defeat, and have accepted it too easily for most of our lives. it is what we have both known for so long, in different ways. but we have been changing these past few years, building ourselves up from the rubble of defeat we once accepted, because we have seen Worth, and God, within us. this is what pushes us to keep climbing.
he began the real fight today, one that has the potential to turn ugly, quickly. it's against the grain of our characters to fight this way, contacting Legal Advice with the intention to take this war to the top of the chain of his school. i'm purposely withholding the details until i can say more, but just the thought of what we might be in for makes the Peacemaker within feel drained. how is it we can be tired before we've even begun?
we've considered this option in the past, but were too fearful of its repercussions, and held back. last year the theme was mine to combat Fear in my life, and this year he told me he has adopted the theme as his. and so, we're 14 days into january and that theme is being challenged. God hears you when you make these commitments to growth, did you know that? we don't get to choose how He will show up, whether in small hills or enormous mountains, but we do get to choose to stay committed, take risks, fight fear, awaken our resistance, trust Him--or to run.
ben is packing his suitcases right now, choosing to stay committed. i am worried for him, and proud of him.
more than anything? i'm hoping my balance returns tomorrow.
15 comments:
sending love and hugs and strength, for both of you. You have been in my deepest, most sincere prayers. I know you're in a fight for right, and I pray God will grant you all that is good and deserved.
ah, dang. Brandon didn't write that...Rachel did. :)
Oh, my dear, dear friends. I love you. I'm crying over here as my heart breaks for your weariness. I feel it.
Grr. I phone is retarded, so it's two posts. May The Lord bless your efforts as you travel into the unknown. Focus on today and the direction that he gives you for today. And set tomorrow aside when you can. I love you guys.
You are in my prayers as you look for the strength to keep things "normal" while Ben faces the world and his school. It's always humbling to me that submission brings strength and laying whatever broken thing we have on the alter is at times our only option. Faith will carry you through this. Love you guys.
Pam,
"Laying whatever broken thing we have on the alter is at times our only option." I loved that, so much. Thank you.
And thank you Rachel (Brandon) and Rachel Chick. I love you both. I'm not kidding about needing to start a support group for Wives of Grad Students!
Lynsey, I don't comment often enough but I so admire yours and Ben's perseverance and strength through all of this. I wish you the very best and hope hope hope that there is still time for things to work out the way they should for you guys. You are amazing!
Here's my best attempt at that pep talk. This talk from Elder Holland has carried me through many dark and weary times.
http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=795
"Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you."
*hugs*
Lyns,
Obviously I don't know all that you are dealing with in these current circumstances, but I do know that feeling of being weary, vulnerable and afraid.
May you find rest in Christ and hang on until the sun rises again. It will. hugs.
Hey honey,
I tried to call this morning and leave you a hopeful message but my heart was in my mouth and it choked my words. Then I started cruising around this lovely blog of yours and found this post, written in October: http://benseyleb.blogspot.com/2013/10/blooming-and-fighting.html
I understand this feeling of defeat you are struggling with right now. I am glad you are honoring your feelings, getting them out, letting them be what they are. But don't forget that same spirit that feels so low wrote words of strength and courage and peace not too long ago and I know you can find that again. I will help you - we all will. You have surrounding you and Ben an army of fighters and thrivers who may not be in Graduate school, but know intimately the path of resistance you are walking. We stand ready to carry you when the weariness overwhelms.
I love you. Hang in.
Your sis,
Lauren
Yesterday I found myself feeling very similar to how you felt when writing this. Weary... Exhausted before I even began. What already seemed impossible this month as far as work/assignments/time is concerned doubled yesterday when I was told that I had to put aside all my normal workload to take on a co-workers job who is sick. I fought with my perspective all day long -- I really wanted to choose to believe that this challenge was only here to remind me of how capable I am. If I tell myself enough times, I will believe it, right? I have to remember that... I AM CAPABLE. THIS WILL ONLY PROVE IT ONCE AGAIN TO ME.
And you are capable. And so is Ben. Know my heart is with you and your family. You will get through this and will be made stronger from it.
When you are in the midst of sadness and frustration, The Lord will build you up and that is when You feel His love and support. I've learned through the years, no matter what it is...... Out of some of the most trying times, The Lord blesses us with strength and perseverance. And the ability to find happiness in the journey. My dad taught me an important lesson when we were going to move to Rexburg. We were in Rexburg and feeling overwhelmed and frustrated with decisions we needed to make. We began to doubt whether we should move here or not. We had prayed about it as well as attending the temple for our answers. We felt peace with our decision. But as we were looking for places to live, and finding many roadblocks, our hearts were heavy. My Dad called as we were getting ready to retire after a very long day. He asked how we were doing and how we were feeling. We told him of frustrations and questions. He said to me, " never second guess the Spirit when He has answered your prayers." Such a powerful lesson to learn! We knew we had received an answer and direction. And we were following that direction. It doesn't mean the answers will come the way you think or even in the time you think it should. I know you have fasted and prayed and you were directed in the direction you chose. Hold onto that and listen. He doesn't leave His children stranded! This I know! He will direct you and bless you ten fold!
My heart hurts for you because I know how that feels. Tonight before you retire, you and Ben need to look in the mirror at the children Heavenly Father loves. You will feel peace. I love you and will keep you and Ben in my prayers and in my heart!
I've been thinking of you and this post all day. I am learning a lot from you and your family and appreciate your open and honest thoughts on your blog. My husband has been in school three times now - undergrad, x-ray tech school and now working on his masters to become a Physician Assistant. Of the nine years we've been married, school has been a part of our lives for eight. When he was trying to get into PA school, we faced so many hurdles. It was exhausting and didn't seem possible. And the odds were literally against us, because out of nearly 700 applicants, we knew the program would only accept 25 or 30. I remember talking to my dad one night and he had this to say:
You will face stumbling blocks as you work toward something you've prayed about and know is right. But stumbling blocks don't mean that the decision you've made is no longer right; it just means you might have to take a different path to get there.
His words are not a new idea but it was a good reminder that has helped me have confidence in the decision that we've made to pursue so much schooling.
You guys have an awesome family. I didn't know Ben for long (and I think I've told you this before) but I appreciated him. He was the only one - and I do mean only - who thought it was awesome that I was writing to a missionary. And I married that missionary! Ben probably doesn't remember that he even said that but I guess he was one who gave me confidence in a decision, too. :)
Good luck to you and him. Keep your head up!
Lindsey,
I just need to say how much you have uplifted and inspired me. Your willingness to share so much of your experiences and testimony on your blog is a blessing to many.
My husband and I have been riding the roller coaster of school nearly the entire ten years we've been married. And Derek's experiences seem similar to Ben's (though I don't know your details, you know what I mean). Derek's trial has been school, and we are hopefully coming to the end of a 2nd bachelors program. He has had so many obstacles along the way, and my faith and optimism for him has waivered many, many times. Just know that the nights are long, but the sun always rises. It is that way too in our lives with trials and tests. The sun will one day shine bright and this season of storms will end. I love what Lauren said in her comment to you, when she was reviewing some of your other posts, "But don't forget that same spirit that feels so low wrote words of strength and courage and peace not too long ago and I know you can find that again." Hope it's okay for me to steal that thought of hers, it is one I needed today! I'm going straight home to write it down!! Hang in there, the Lord's hand will be shown. Lots of love and prayers!
oh my friends, i hope you know how much i love you, and appreciate all of your inspiring and supportive comments. i am more grateful than i can express, especially the last couple of days.
thank you!!
love, lynsey
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