“Life always bursts the boundaries of formulas. Defeat may prove to have been the only path to resurrection, despite its ugliness. I take it for granted that to create a tree I condemn a seed to rot. If the first act of resistance comes too late it is doomed to defeat. But it is, nevertheless, the awakening of resistance. Life may grow from it as from a seed.”
i've felt a little lost, all day. for so long through this ride called Graduate School, i've felt surety and seen clarity--even when ben could neither feel or hear those things himself. today is rare, when both of those things have been missing inside, and the void of them has knocked me off my normal balance.
it looks as though the Miracles he has been working so hard for are not going to come to fruition--again. if we accept what he is being told, (which we aren't being given much of an option) then we will be accepting a 3rd extra year of school. extra. on top of what is already required. and as much time as i've spent emotionally preparing myself for this possibility, because i could see us heading for it months ago, today i've finally felt a piece of what this good man has felt for a long time:
he came home tonight and we hugged, holding on like two deflated balloons trying to cling to whatever small pockets of air were left. i told him for the first time in a while, i didn't know whether he could look to me for the usual pep-talk-filled-with-affirmations i provide when he walks through the front door of the Pink House with furrowed brows and sadness in his brown eyes. i no longer felt sure of my speech--tonight i needed someone to give me that lift.
though we will most likely be here another year, we are learning--ben is learning-- this battle is not just about Graduate School, but is his lifelong battle of Worth. for some that battle takes place in relationships, or careers, or childhood trauma, or addictions. for him it takes place in School.
we are used to defeat, and have accepted it too easily for most of our lives. it is what we have both known for so long, in different ways. but we have been changing these past few years, building ourselves up from the rubble of defeat we once accepted, because we have seen Worth, and God, within us. this is what pushes us to keep climbing.
he began the real fight today, one that has the potential to turn ugly, quickly. it's against the grain of our characters to fight this way, contacting Legal Advice with the intention to take this war to the top of the chain of his school. i'm purposely withholding the details until i can say more, but just the thought of what we might be in for makes the Peacemaker within feel drained. how is it we can be tired before we've even begun?
we've considered this option in the past, but were too fearful of its repercussions, and held back. last year the theme was mine to combat Fear in my life, and this year he told me he has adopted the theme as his. and so, we're 14 days into january and that theme is being challenged. God hears you when you make these commitments to growth, did you know that? we don't get to choose how He will show up, whether in small hills or enormous mountains, but we do get to choose to stay committed, take risks, fight fear, awaken our resistance, trust Him--or to run.
ben is packing his suitcases right now, choosing to stay committed. i am worried for him, and proud of him.
more than anything? i'm hoping my balance returns tomorrow.