35.

(pic credit:  3 yr old June)

For years I struggled to find my goodness, beauty, or worth--on an intrinsic level.  I did not believe I deserved good things, mostly Love that came from not having to do anything or be anyone.  Love that came from just merely existing.  

I have worked hard to learn differently--to change habits and thought patterns I have used for years.  These habits that used to feel so comfortable but ones I recognize have failed me, because they have taught me to live a life as less of a person than I could potentially become.  Than who I actually AM.   And though there are some days they creep back in and whisper and try to force me back down into momentarily believing I have nothing worthwhile to add to the world, overall I feel I have won--and am continuing to win--this battle.  I have the choice to listen to the whispers, or I have the choice to fight.  Daily I choose to fight.

As an introvert, birthdays have been difficult for me.  There are a lot of moments of being in the spotlight, with presents, songs, parties.  But compounded with my struggle to feel my worth, my birthday was a day I wanted to avoid altogether.  It was an actual celebration of ME, which challenged all of my years of internal struggle.  Ben and I joked that my ideal birthday would be spent alone in a dark bedroom reading books, with zero celebration.  Only I wasn't joking. 

Today I woke up next to one of the best men I've ever known, a man who has spent the last 12 years telling me and showing me that I am beautiful and lovable.  Not once has he given me a reason to question how he feels about me.  I was bombarded with three kids yelling HAPPY BIRTHDAY!  Begging me to find the presents they had hid around the house.  I picked up a sweet, beautiful baby whose arms outstretched for mine with a big smile on her face.  The love I have for my children and the love they have for me has been a reflection of God's love since the day I first held them. I went throughout my day with phone calls, texts, and messages coming through on my phone.  Packages were delivered to me from friends and family.  

The whispers were also there today, telling me I don't deserve this love, telling me I am not worth being celebrated.  Telling me to not let the actions and words to sink in.  I worked hard to shut them out, to focus on the life that I have, and on who I actually AM.  

I am a good person.  It's taken me 35 years to be able to type words that probably seem so easy for others.  That's okay--they have their own struggle.  This is mine. 

I'm a good person who is healing wounds created long ago.  I started the healing for my children, so they could be taught a different way.  For my husband, who deserved a better wife than I felt I was.  For all of the people who had to interact with a girl who apologized too much, felt guilty too often, whose actions were mostly made out of fear of not being accepted and liked.   A girl who could not let their love sink all the way in.  But as I worked, and began to patch myself back together, my perspective changed.  

My focus is no longer on them, to make myself better so I can be better for them--I am here for me.  I am fighting for me, I am healing for me, I am working for me.  The relationships in my life will be positively affected by this change, but I am here for me.  I am worth saving.  

I am worth celebrating.  Happy birthday.  

two.

whoo!  it's been quiet over here.  the end of a long vacation, continuously un-packing as we move in, then a purposeful earlier bedtime {for me} have contributed to the silence.  now i feel bursting with things to write, without the ability to follow through on it all.  so, one step at a time.

first things first.

oh, little junebug has become a toddler.  she turned 2 while we were on our eternally-long-but-fun vacation, the official day of her birth was while ben and i were in NC.  i know what you're thinking,

poor 3rd child...her parents weren't even home on her birthday!

but there are some things out of our control, you know?  one of them being the day june was born happens to be a very popular day to get married, or so we're quickly finding out.  on her first birthday, we were traveling to california for andrea & shawn's wedding, on her second we were celebrating the love between carmella and jersen.
 

but, that doesn't mean we didn't party with this girl before we left!  we decorated, sang, and had cake with family, laughing as we watched her eyes light up and her entire body tremble in excitement when she opened the Ariel doll from her cousins, and the Tinkerbell bracelet and phone from us.  the girl is a sucker for a mermaid with flowing red hair, or any type of fairy.

on her actual birthday, we facetimed with our sweet little chunk, and i stared at her eyelashes, fuzzy hair, and chubby cheeks, wondering how there could have been a day in my life that i hadn't known her. 

she talks so well, carrying on conversations while using words like "interesting." she sings and dances, and can get easily grumpy and then just as easily brought out of it.  she loves to make us laugh but is also taking after caleb in the serious department, in the way she inspects things and views life.  i can tell she's going to be more grounded than leah, the two have become such good friends in the past couple of months and it will be interesting to see how the dynamics play out as they grow up. 

the evidence is continuing to mount that she's just like me--in more than just the looks department.  all signs point to her being an outgoing introvert, just like i am.  she's not shy at all, but doesn't love the spotlight of attention on her in a crowd.  when people first meet her, i tell them to pretend that she's not there and she'll warm right up.  it's funny to see a younger-version of myself in her this way, and i think she and i will always relate to each other in this place, more than i can my other two complete extrovert children.

she is still my shadow, wanting to do anything i do.  if i put on shoes, she needs to also.  sunglasses are the same.  she's also my snuggliest child, and my best sleeper.  every night she begs her dad to "rockaminute" with her before she goes to sleep.  he holds her and hums to her, and then she calmly goes to bed without a fight.  ben has always had the magic touch with her.

we absolutely love you, june.  
from the calm baby you were to the spunky toddler you are now, you add so much to our family.

we couldn't picture being us without you.

and now, for a june photo montage....because you know, third children deserve it.

4 years ago today, at 5:55 a.m.

my world was changed.
the edges of my heart widened to let in more love, something i didn't know was possible.

today was a whirlwind, and i'm worn out.  but i was lucky to spend the day celebrating the life of an intelligent, beautiful, imaginative and silly little girl.  here's the day in pictures.

traditional door decorations:

a preschool field trip to the dairy farm,

where her teacher {my hilarious & awesome friend chelsea}

and her class sang to her:

and she found out that she and farmer joe share the same birthday

she made friends with the sheep,

fed and held some new friends,

let her baby sister come along for the ride,

and posed for pictures.

then she and i came home to play with her new ponies,

and get ready to go to the aquarium.

we picked up her brother and a couple of princess friends along the way,

met her dad there,

and spent a couple of hours admiring the wonders of ocean life.

after the aquarium, 

we had dinner 

and a carousel ride.

the friends were dropped off,

and we came home to open gifts and blow out candles.

in true leah fashion, she went to bed looking like this:

happy 4th birthday, 

leah layne,

the world is a brighter place because you're in it.

your family loves you more than you could know!  

can't wait to see what this year holds for you.