choosing the wrong door

this morning i had to make a judgement call:

1) shave my legs

or

2) wear non-maternity nylons

since i was running a little late i opted for door #2. though i felt like a sausage squeezed into a little tube, things were going relatively fine. that is, until i was asked to say the prayer in the beginning of the last meeting. as i stood up to walk to the front of the crowd, i felt the nylons roll down my big belly & settle around my hips.

awkward. but not noticeable to the public.

then as i went to sit down, the nylons rolled down to just underneath my caboose. it was past the point where i could just walk out of the room looking semi-normal & slip into the restroom to readjust. what to do now?

the only thing i could do.

throughout the rest of the class i would shift around and let the ill-fitting hairy leg covers slide down a couple of inches until they were just above my knees.

finally i was down to the wire where class was almost over & i knew i was going to have to stand up & walk out of the class & my secret would be exposed to the world.

so during the closing prayer, i said a little prayer of my own. that everyone else in the room had their eyes closed. i quickly pulled my nylons the rest of the way off of my feet & stuffed them in my church bag.

i don't know if anyone noticed, they probably did. but at least they had the class to not say anything & let me continue pretending that i had gotten away with an embarrassing situation. like the time i wet my pants in the 1st grade. oh wait, that was in front of my entire class & all the little kids yelled "EWWWWW!" when they realized what had just transpired in front of them.

that dreadful day long ago i had also mistakenly chosen door #2. i had decided to wear a cute little jumper with buttons going up and down the back of it (who in their right mind would design that for a 6-yr old??) instead of another outfit with normal buttons in the front. i tried with all of my might to get those buttons undone before my bladder gave way but just couldn't do it.

so the moral of the story is, even if it takes more effort & you might be 5 minutes late, always always pick door #1. otherwise you may wind up in the same predicament. and have your 5th grade boyfriend call you lynsey peed-your-pants-in-the-1st-grade steadman as you break up. awesome. or have your husband call you lynsey nylons-fell-off-during-church strader. sweet.