i'm pregnant?

today was my 32 wk appointment. in non-week terminology, that equates to 8 months. when i went to schedule my next appointment, the secretary informed me that i have been moved up from monthly visits to twice a month. and my heart skipped a beat.

when talking about having a baby, i told my sister how quickly it seemed to be coming up and she said, "yep, when i get to this point in pregnancy, i feel like i'm on this rushing train and realize that it's not stopping." or she said something to that effect.

that is exactly how i feel.

which is something i should have maybe considered like 9 months ago, before i got pregnant. but when it happens you feel like you have so much time to prepare, to be ready. and then all of a sudden you're being moved up to bi-monthly doctor's visits and you just about have an anxiety attack right there in front of the appointment desk.

for 2009, my main goal is to really work on enjoying the moment. i feel like a lot of times i let anxiety get the best of me and i lose focus on the present and what is going on around me. the anxiety turns into negativity & dread and leaks out to show a really unattractive side of my personality. then when whatever caused the anxiety in the first place is over, i look back & realize it wasn't so bad, and my poor attitude pretty much ruined my good time.

not healthy. not to mention, not fun for those around me who happen to get caught in my little black rain cloud just by sitting next to me. i forget to remind them that when they sit down by me they need to come equipped with an umbrella.

so as i was driving home from the appointment today, i turned on the first song on my playlist, "these are the days" and pumped up the volume. and to verify that i am, in fact, pregnant, i let the hormones kick in & began to cry as i listened to the words.

"These are days you'll remember.
Never before and never since, I promise, will the whole world be warm as this.
And as you feel it, you'll know its true that you are blessed and lucky.
It's true that you are touched by something that will grow and bloom in you.

These are days you'll remember.
When may is rushing over you with desire to be part of the miracles you see in every hour.
You'll know it's true that you are blessed and lucky.
It's true that you are touched by something that will grow and bloom in you.

These are days.

These are the days you might fill with laughter until you break.
These days you might feel a shaft of light make its way across your face.
And when you do you'll know how it was meant to be.
See the signs and know their meaning.
Its true, you'll know how it was meant to be.
Hear the signs and know they're speaking to you, to you."

and as i listened, i felt that little person inside me move around and karate chop me in the ribs. most of the time i poke her lightly back, just to show her what's up & who's boss. but this time i just enjoyed the crazy feeling of having another human swim around inside my stomach. well uterus, technically. but who wants to put "uterus" on their blog?

we never know what will happen. this might be the last baby i have the blessing of being pregnant with. that's not my intention, but i am not the only one in charge here.

for 8 months i have focused on the anxiety of my situation. will the baby have health problems like caleb? will she be happy? will she be chunky? (i love the chunky babies!) will the labor be horrible?

and the anxiety has again stolen the moments where i could just be reveling in the miracle it is to have another product of ben & i grace this earth. so i decided this is where it will stop. i may be a few months late, but as they say, better late than never.

i pulled up to the apartment complex to see ben & caleb out in the sunshine kicking the soccer ball around. caleb ran up to show me his latest "present" for me, a flat rock he had picked out all by himself. we ate lunch on the grass, chased caleb around a little bit until he was laughing so hard he almost fell over, then came inside.

and the whole time i felt that little being inside me, already a part of our family. and instead of stressing about what's to come, i finally enjoyed the moment.