baring it all

this posting is going to be painfully honest. and probably long. but whatever, here it goes:

did anyone else watch on E! when they had a show making fun of stars who went out on the streets without make-up on?

at first i was appalled at the comments made by the sarcastic spectators. those haters. they just wish they could look like the stars. but as i got into the show, after time i turned into one of them. my thoughts changed from,

hey! leave her alone! she doesn't look that bad.

to,

what was she thinking? i mean, if i were her, i would just know that i was being followed everywhere by paparazzi and should look perfect all the time. they're right, she needs at least some cover-up and some lip gloss. it's her own fault for being made fun of. she should know better. she looks like poop.

i looked at myself in the mirror today. i was getting ready to take caleb & leah out on a walk once caleb woke up from his nap. i hadn't showered yet and was hoping to exercise this evening. so, i wash my face, put lotion on, pull my hair up.

then stop.

should i put make-up on?

no, that's ridiculous. i'm just going outside around our complex. i'm in semi-workout clothes, my hair is pulled up. who cares what my face looks like? i turn to leave the bathroom.

stop again.

well, maybe just some under-eye cover up. it doesn't help that i hardly slept last night (leah did not continue her 10pm-5am habit from the night before. boo hoo.)

and how about just some light powder? a couple of new pimples popped up. due to lack of sleep, no doubt.

i sigh and think about it for a minute. so what if i have pimples? dark circles? who am i trying to impress? our neighbors who couldn't care less about me? the maintenance men who are out cutting the grass?

or is it myself?

i try to talk myself into just going bare faced and owning up to it...whatever that means. when we lived in spanish fork i used to go out on walks every day without make-up on and didn't give it a second thought. so what's stopping me now?

i guess it doesn't help much that caleb cares when i'm not wearing make-up. my 3-year old. i am serious here. for the past year, whenever i wouldn't wear make-up around him, he would run away crying. he wouldn't let me hug him or kiss him, and when i would ask why, he would say to me,

"because momma. you're not soft."

that's his description of me with make-up on. soft. isn't that funny? not pretty, or cute or any normal description. but soft.

i told ben about it and when he witnessed caleb running away covering his eyes yelling that i wasn't "soft," his explanation for it was that he felt it was because i was feeling self-conscious around caleb when i wasn't wearing make-up and that he could sense it.

absolutely not true. and i'm not being defensive here, i would admit it if that were true.

but at the time it started, this was coming from a 2 year old who poops in his pants! i loved him in spite of that, i figured it went with the territory that he loved me in spite of the fact that i occasionally get pimples and possibly look like a boy without mascara on. unconditional love, isn't that what it's called?

but if he's scared of me when i look like this, what would the general public think?

so bringing it back to the E! stars show.

you know what i started thinking as i stared in the mirror? those stars did know that they were being followed. they had to. for crying out loud, when your name is sarah jessica parker, and you're taking your kid to the park, you know you're going to have your picture taken.

but she owned it anyway. walked out of her ritzy home with her un-glossy lips and un-covered eye bags and pushed her son in a swing. (or whatever she did)

and probably knew when those paparazzi snapped away. and probably also knew that there was a strong possibility she would be made fun of in a few weeks when those pictures showed up in some dumb magazine (the stars! they're just like us! they look like poop and push their sons in swings!) or on some dumb show.

and yet i couldn't do it.

i'm not famous, will never have to worry about being followed around by photographers. but couldn't do it.

how sad am i.

as i dotted on under eye concealer and puffed on some powder i realized that my thought process about myself really is out of whack...

and then the baby started crying.

another sigh. this is an issue i will have to tackle another day. but it will be tackled. mark my words.

and there you go. vulnerability on a blog. yet out in public, face to face? a different story.