losing the desire

this will sound weird.

but i have been thinking a lot today about my screaming baby. the one who was not happy today from 12:30 pm until about 5 minutes ago. during the early parts of this long stint of time, there were moments where i looked at her resentfully, like she was doing this on purpose.

then there were moments where i looked at her little quivering chin, her lower lip stuck out, her little hands grabbing in the air for something, anything to comfort her. sometimes they found my neck. and pinched. ouch. as i rocked her, bounced her, cradled her, i would see her face writhe in pain and her stomach scrunch up as it gurgled and churned.

and i was able to come out of my resentment to form a realization:

she does not desire to be this way.

sounds simple, right? like you are right now saying, well yeah, i could have told you that.

but this is my second child with these same problems. the endless screams, the inability to sleep well, the inability to poop on her own. yep, i said that right. daily Q-tip suppositories are soooooo much fun let me tell you. but if they help, then i will do it.

it's hard not to blame the baby. in my sleep-deprived, food-deprived, shower-deprived brain it has tricked me into thinking that she has come to this earth to push me to the end of my rope. to torture me. she wants me to not sleep for the next 3 months. she wants me to get to 5 pm & realize all i have eaten is a yogurt & a handful of white cheddar cheez-its. she wants me to feel gross and stinky and frustrated that i can't even pick up the phone when people call because her screams are so loud i can't hear myself think straight, let alone hear someone else's voice.

for a while today, the bitterness swallowed me up.

but then like i said, i looked at her little face with tears streaming down her cheeks. and her tiny, perfect little body writhing in pain. and i knew.

she doesn't want this just as much...if not more...than i want this. she needs relief as much as i do. she needs comfort, a soft voice, a helping hand. something to let her know that she will not always feel this way.

and this is my job, what i have signed up and committed to do. and because i adore her so darn much, crying and all, i do it.

she is difficult to burp. when she does, it comes out like a deep rumble of an almost-erupting volcano. but that can often take 45 minutes before it arrives. i was up with her this morning from 1:30 am until almost 3am trying to get the darn air out of her belly because i knew if i didn't that we'd be in for it later.

then today, caleb drinks too much water. and burps. on his own.

and i remember there was once a day when i felt this exact same way about him. will this kid ever be able to burp on his own? go poop without screaming for hours before hand?

and now look at him go. a solid self-burper. it can be done.

i know there is a light at the end of this tunnel. unfortunately for me (well for all of us really), it will probably be a couple more months. and what's difficult is that i remember how i was during this same time with caleb.

i lose desire.

desire to eat well, take care of myself, have a social life, or look like a human being. all i desire is for someone else to take the screaming baby from me for a minute & let me sleep. uninterrupted.

so i guess what i'm doing here is apologizing. to those of you who have called & i haven't returned the phone call. or calls. for those who are deserving of a nice thank-you card for the sweet things you sent in the mail, or the meals you sent, or just for being great. for those who wonder if i have dropped off the face of the earth and keep emailing me asking if i'm okay.

the truth is, i'm not. but i know that i will be. my desire to live a normal life as a mother of two instead of as a hermit will return.

i am sorry for the things left undone and i am hoping that once this time passes, i will be able to play catch-up.

and also this is a thank you. reading your upbeat, cheery blogs has definitely become one of the highlights of my day. i don't always comment...mostly because i am holding a screaming newborn in one hand...but i love being able to read about friends all over the place and feel like i'm not so alone.

so keep up the good work, ladies! because i have a sneaking feeling that you are my social life for the next couple of months.