Monday, January 4, 2010

california day #2....going #2

so now that the holiday madness is over, i'm going to try to get caught up a little here. i know i still need to post the final installment of the price of freedom, and it will come.

however, i decided to work my way backwards and start, instead with a couple of entertaining stories from our california trip. now as i mentioned, this was not the most restful or relaxing vacation. there were a lot of fun parts, but from the beginning of the trip i should have known that it was going to be a bit rough.

if you've guessed from the title that this story is about poop, you are right. however, it's not gory or disgusting or anything that will make you wish you had not eaten that no-bake cookie (because i'm sorry to say, those remind me of poop) right before you sat down at the computer.

no, in this story, the poop is merely a small character. a supporting actor, if you will. actually, a supporting actor's supporting actor.

so don't worry.

but when it comes to toddlers and babies, unfortunately bodily functions always play some sort of role. am i right, moms of the world?

am i RIGHT??

this was the second day of our vacation in california. as we had driven into anaheim 2 days ealier, it was pouring rain and the rain had not let up for a minute.

leah had been on her sleep-strike for going on 48 hours, which meant we were all on that same strike, (picketing outside buildings and tying ourselves to trees and all of that) whether we wanted to be or not.

trying my best to not give into a bad attitude that was creeping around the corners of my soul, i pumped a little bit of caffeine through my blood. and made the decision that i would not let a little sleep deprivation or bad weather rain on my parade.

we would make the best of this situation if it killed me, darn it!

our hotel had marketed being the proud owners of both an indoor and an outdoor pool. perfect! just for situations like this! i suited myself and the kids up for a lovely dip in the pool. i gathered pool toys, the diaper bag, both kids and some towels. not an easy feat.

only to find out that our "indoor pool" was really just part of the "outdoor" pool but with a four-poled structure built around half of the entire thing. so with wind blowing around 50 degrees and getting wet from the rain before we even dipped our toes in the shallow end, i knew it wasn't going to work.

caleb was disappointed, leah was freezing, and i was now trying to figure out how to make lemonade out of this one.

we got some pizza and went back up to the room. i attempted to force leah to end the strike and take a nap.

silly me.

there was no sleeping to be had. that little lady would have made ghandi with his hunger strike proud.

at about 2pm, the rain cleared and the clouds finally parted. (enter singing angels here.) poor caleb had been pretty much cooped up in the hotel room for 2 full days, so i looked up the nearest park and got the kids ready yet again.

supplied with snacks, drinks, jackets in case the angels decided to go back home and let the rain take over. and we took off.

after getting a little lost, we made it to the park. i use the term "park" loosely because it was pretty much a tiny jungle gym stuck in the middle of some grass with a bench nearby. but i didn't care. and neither did the kids.

we had arrived! let the fun vacation begin! we're at a park for crying out loud! it's better than nothing!

the kids started playing. caleb was loving it, and leah was trying to eat every leaf and piece of gravel in sight. as i was keeping my eye on the kids, i also kept my eye on the two shady gentlemen standing in the parking lot nearby looking like they were exchanging some "items" after opening the back of a van with dark windows.

we were there for about 10 minutes when caleb yelled out, "mom! i need to go potty! i need to go poop!"

{enter stage left, the supporting actor's supporting actor.}

i squinted my eyes trying to see if there was a nearby restroom....this was a park after all, wasn't it? and saw a building a ways off that looked like it resembled a bathroom. so i picked up all of our stuff, and leah, and grabbed caleb's hand to trek off to the potty.

only when we got there, it was locked.


why oh why?

caleb's requests became more urgent. i racked my brain for an answer.

that's it!

i saw us pass a target as we rounded the corner to the park. targets have bathrooms! that aren't locked!

so we ran back to the car, strapped in and went to the store to find restrooms basically smiling at us.

this should be the happy ending of my story, but it's not.

you see, caleb is a tiny fella. we love him just the way he is, but when it comes to sitting on toilets, it doesn't matter how much we love him...he can't sit on them without falling in. believe me i have tried. so has ben. we've tried strapping his legs around the sides, scooting him forward, scooting him backward.

at our house it's no big deal, we have one of these:

and we were even smart enough to bring it with us on our vacation.

but where was it? oh that's right, in the hotel room.

if we don't have one of these seats, we literally have to hold him on the potty while he "goes" so that he doesn't fall in. i wish i were joking. (i also wish there had been some sort of job description that i could have read before becoming a mother. i wonder if i still would have signed at the dotted line? hmmmm.)

while walking into target, my mind started going through the logistics of this:

1) i was going to have to hold caleb on the toilet.

2) leah loves to lick floors. and all things metal.

3) how was i going to keep leah from licking the bathroom floor and that lovely "special box" (as caleb calls it) in each of the stalls that gets to hold ummmm....trash for ladies experiencing girl week?

4) sometimes caleb takes a while to "go." if i put leah in a cart outside the stall, will she sit there for 10 minutes? will i trust the general public of bathroom-goers at the local anaheim target to not take my darling baby?

i couldn't chance it.

5) wait! target carries those potty seats! genius.

i had found the solution. so i put the kids in a cart and zoomed down the aisles to find the potty seat. we bought one, zoomed back into the bathroom, i sat caleb down on the seat, and leah and i waited outside the stall for him to tell me he was done.

only he took forrrreeeevvvveeeerrrrr......

and at that moment, leah's sleep deprivation kicked in. she started screaming and wailing and freaking out. head banging while in the front of the cart.


women stared at me as they came in. i kept checking on caleb, asking him to hurry.

each time i checked on him, leah's screeches went up in volume. sounding like a wild hyena who hasn't had a square meal in weeks.

i pulled out everything i could think of. of course because i'd been in such a rush i didn't have any toys with me. so we went through the diaper bag. she screamed and tossed each item aside as i continually tried to find something to appease her.

finally i held out my car keys. AHA! metal! she was in love. she licked them, slobbered on them, jingled them in her hands.

a moment of silence.

until she dropped them. on. the. bathroom. floor. EW.

i was NOT going to let her put them back in her mouth. i have limits, you know.

but suddenly, the screeching began. the hyena went wild after seeing that her only source of happiness was now lying 3 feet below her.

and i panicked. i reached down and grabbed the keys and handed them to her quickly. she immediately stuffed them in her mouth.

i dry heaved.

"caleb! are you almost done???" i whispered into the stall door impatiently through gritted teeth.

"um, i think so. almost," was his reply.

she dropped the keys again.





i handed them to her again.

she put them in her mouth. again.

i pictured all of the diseases she had just put in her mouth. diptheria, hepatitus a, b, c, and d. random venereal diseases.

i tried not to vomit.

finally, FINALLY, caleb announced he was done.

{enter stage left again, the supporting actor's supporting actor.}

i went to go and help him wipe up.

and it must be mentioned. i'm sorry.

but two of the tiniest little pieces of poop EVER. like, raisin in size.


"yep! i'm done!" he smiled up at me.


i'm sure the other women in the stall either were laughing or wondering if i was the poop nazi or something. what was wrong with that woman berating her son for not producing more fecal matter? how could she be so cruel?

if only they knew. ugh.

i wiped him, helped him down, washed his hands. sanitized the keys. sanitized leah's hands. debated about whether or not it would be worth the risk of poisoning her by sanitizing her mouth to avoid the diseases she had just ingested. decided against it and just prayed she had a fabulous immune system.

grabbed the potty seat that now stays permanently in the trunk of my car just for another occasion such as this one.

and as we drove away from target, it started to rain again.

we went back to the hotel.


Lindsay Jane said...

OMG L - This is the greatest worst story ever. I would have lost it and started crying. Seriously. I don't know how you hold it all together so well.

The Foster Bunch said...

Ha Ha I can not stop laughing. I am just glad there is another mother out there that gets to experience the joys I do. I think desperate times call for desperate measures. I don't know what I would have done in you situation. Thank you for the great story, it totally made my day.

The Hunter's said...

Hilarious!!! I can totally relate...I just wish Collin could too!

Brooke said...

Love it! Definately the best worst story ever and this coming from the girl I distinctly remember from 11th ward who said the worst thing that she would never do as a parent was pick her kid up and smell their diaper to see if they had done the deed-now she's giving her kids keys off the floor :) What impressed me most was that Caleb held those two little raisins in while you drove to Target, got the potty seat and got him sitting down.