today, at 11:18 a.m.

he will turn 6.

every year on this day, i remember the moment i first became a mother. 

i wish it had been more enjoyable, but it was a terrifying moment.

unable to hold him or even see him, 

in seconds my room filled up with strangers in scrubs 

and the air was frantic. 

i heard the words,

4 pounds, 7 ounces.

is he full-term?

yes, 39 1/2 weeks.

low initial apgar scores, hmmm.

he fell out on the bed?  no one was here?

no.

then confusion.

confusion from the experts helping you

is not a good sign.

then i heard them say, 

wait, wait a second.

no, there are 2...not 3.

a 2 vessel umbilical cord?

it's not on her chart.

did her doctor not know?

i tried to understand what they were saying,

and looked in their faces for reassurance.

but they wouldn't look at me.

there was no crying, signifying a healthy set of lungs, just a grunting sound.

i looked for ben, who was watching the nurses clean him.

his arms were crossed over his chest and he was quiet.

then, i saw the tiniest little foot i have ever seen, shoot up in the air.

and i heard the most spirited little cry i had ever heard.

it was the cry of a fighter,

of a little boy determined to make it to this moment

and to make sure he was here for so many more. 

and then my tears came.

minutes went by, 

tests were done,

and then i finally got to hold him.

i heard that same cry for months afterward.

the sound used to wear me down,

because all i wanted was to be able to calm him

and had felt so helpless.

what i didn't know then about his cry,
but understand now
was that caleb needed that strength
and ability to voice his pain
so that he could work through it
and overcome it.

this boy who beat the odds of so much

and struggled those first two years

still has that fighting spirit, combined with a sweet heart.

it is the perfect mixture.

i consider myself one of the luckiest human beings on earth 

to have been able to be around him for this long.

 
Before you go to sleep,
Say a little prayer,
Every day in every way,
It's getting better and better,

Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy,

Out on the ocean sailing away,
I can hardly wait,
To see you to come of age,
But I guess we'll both,
Just have to be patient,
Yes it's a long way to go,
But in the meantime,

Before you cross the street,
Take my hand,
Life is just what happens to you,
While you're busy making other plans, 

"beautiful boy"
--john lennon

happy birthday my caleb!!