Thursday, January 17, 2013

the day i thought my son looked at porn and the night my husband tried to save equestria.



ben was given an ipad as a gift a few months ago, and each day i allow both of the older kids 30 minutes each to play games.  well, leah is obsessed with my little ponies, so i found a couple of games for her and downloaded them.  one of them is well above her age level & she doesn't really understand it, but she doesn't care, she's just in it for the ponies.

but in order to go on with the story, you must know just a little about the game.  you're given a couple of ponies to start out, and a couple of houses.  then you're supposed to build a town, grow apples and bread and different things, playing different games, assigning ponies different responsibilities, then collect the money/jewels/rainbows for the things you complete in order to buy more ponies and homes. go forth and prosper and all of that.

well, leah's favorite pony is one called "fluttershy" {even though she calls her "puttershy" and insists that we all call her the same} and apparently she is a pricy pony.  not only do you have to earn like 2600 coins, but you also have to do all of the different jobs you're assigned to get to the 23rd level...and THEN you can buy her.

of course, all leah cares about is puttershy and spends her 30 minutes of precious ipad time searching for puttershy.

enter, caleb:  the control-freak brother.

caleb can't stand that leah doesn't actually play the game.  it tortures him when things aren't done "the right way."  in fact, i'm pretty sure a small piece of him dies inside whenever he has to be around to watch her play....er, wander around searching aimlessly.  i have broken up many arguments between them, because he tries to tell her what to do, and even though he's trying to help her, she immediately retaliates with a screech for him to LEAVE HER ALONE.  then he's yelling that SHE'S NOT DOING IT RIGHT! AND FINE!  HE WILL NEVER EVER EVER HELP HER AGAIN!

it's really fun.

i've actually banned him from being able to watch her, because no matter how many nice conversations i've had with him to let her do it her way, even if he doesn't agree with it, it's not his job to control someone.  but it constantly leads to this argument and makes me want to throw the ipad {or my children} out the door, never to return.

okay, so there's the much-needed information.

last week, leah took her turn of 30 minutes of playing the ipad, and then handed it off to caleb.  caleb was in the front room on the couch, and after his 30 minutes was over, i walked into the room to tell him time was up.

well, apparently i caught him by surprise because he jumped!  and then immediately covered the ipad.

which of couse, made me suspicious.  oh no!  i thought.  my sweet little boy!  he's somehow stumbled on some sort of nasty on the internet {even though he has no idea how to get on the internet, but whatever, logic wasn't sinking in at this point}  that's going to take his innocence and send him down a path of destruction!  {it wasn't really this dramatic, but i was concerned}

i stayed calm though, and said softly, "whatcha doin buddy?"

he became obviously more nervous.  "nothing!  nothing!"  the pitch of his voice was rising, and panic had set into his eyes.  "no!  i don't wanna tell you!  i'm so embarrassed!  please don't look!"

so now, i started to really worry.  and may or may not have used the words "path of destruction" in my head for reals this time.

but continuing to stay calm, i said, "look buddy, i trust you.  you are a good boy, and it's okay to make mistakes.  if you found something that probably wasn't great to find, it's okay.  i love you and can help you, and you know the rule in our house--that the best thing is to be honest.  but i want you to do that in your own time.  if you're not ready yet, it's okay.  just know i am here and am willing to talk to you about anything, and i won't be angry with you.  okay?"

he sighed a big sigh.

"okaaaaayyyy, i'll show you," he said reluctantly.  "but just promise not to tell anyone, okay?"

"you know dad and i don't have secrets unless they're good ones like surprises, but i won't tell anyone else.  deal?"

he nodded his head as he slowly handed me the ipad.  i braced myself for what i was going to see.  a scantily clad woman?  an orgy?  or worse??

i sat down next to him and opened it.  caleb covered his face with a pillow from the couch.

and there

on the ipad

was the my little pony game.

i laughed, and may or may not have also snorted.  then tried to compose myself as caleb said with a muffled voice, from behind the pillow,

"IT'S NOT FUNNY!"

"oh, you're right buddy.  it just took me off guard.  but what were you doing playing this game?"

he uncovered his face.  "well, leah doesn't play it right!  and just complains that she wants fluttershy {he refuses to call it "puttershy"} but she never DOES anything to get her!  so i was just trying to get her some coins and things to help her so she will STOP ASKING FOR HER!"

and even though i knew it was really just his controlling self wanting to control the game in a way that he could without her yelling at him and getting into trouble over fighting, i tried to twist it to a positive thing.

i gave him a hug, and said, "what an awesome brother you are!  helping your sister!  i'm so proud of you, buddy.  and she is really going to appreciate this, and when puttershy does finally show up, we can tell her that you helped her, even if she doesn't really understand how."

"it's FLU-TT-ER-SHY, mom."

"i know, bud.  thank you for being honest, i'm proud of you."

so, that happened.  and even though i was prepared for it, i breathed a big sigh of relief that today was not the day i had to go through the conversation with my son i had prepared myself for.

enter,  ben:  an ipad game addict with a good heart

last night, i remembered the incident and told ben about it and we were both laughing.  i asked ben if he could help out both of them, and look at the game to see if he could figure out a way to hurry along the process of leah winning her favorite pony.  you know, just for a few minutes while i wrote my article for work and then we would go to bed.

little did i know what that request was going to lead to......

an hour later,  i was telling ben i was going to bed.

"oh!  yeah, me too.  yeah," was his distracted reply, not even looking up at me from the screen of the ipad.  "i just need to wait until this bread is done baking and collect some more apples and then i can buy another pony to work on digging over here."

i washed my face, brushed my teeth, changed my clothes.  about 10 minutes later, i came back out into the family room.  he hadn't budged from his previous spot.  well, except for his fingers, which were swishing and tapping away.

"okaaaaayyy, so.  i'm going to bed.  are you going running with the group tomorrow at 5?  you might want to get ready for bed too..." i trailed off.

no response.

"AHEM.  are you going to come to bed?"  i asked, starting to get what he calls "that tone."

"yes!  yes, yes i'm coming.  just a minute," he mumbled, again not looking up at me.

i rolled my eyes, and walked into the bedroom.

a few minutes later, he followed me in.  bringing the ipad with him.

"ben, seriously?  you're really still playing?  i mean, it's great that you want to help leah....but i'm kinda getting the feeling this is no longer for her....."

"well, it's just these ponies!  they're not doing what i assigned them!  and i can't figure out how to collect the dang rainbows!  and where is that box pony?!  she's supposed to be here somewhere and i can't find her and i need to collect the coins from her!"  

i could not believe we were having this conversation.

i started laughing.  "ben, listen to yourself!  do you realize the words you just spoke aloud?"

"mm-hmm," he replied absentmindedly.  staring at the screen.

i went to sleep.

and woke up around 2:00 in the morning, to find that ben was no longer in bed beside me.  and he wasn't in the bathroom.

and i knew.  i just knew what he was doing.

so i sent him this text:



and a couple of minutes later, he walked the walk of shame into the room with the ipad, and lay down next to me.  it was both hilarious and a little sad.

this morning, i called him on his way to work.

"how ya doing, champ?"  i asked playfully.  "are ya tired?  rough night with the ponies, huh?"

"lynsey!  i was trying to earn puttershy for leah!  you asked me to do that you know!"  he was laughing, but there was a hint of defensiveness in his voice.

"ummmmm, until 2 o'clock in the morning?!  yeah.....don't hide behind that excuse.  you and i both know it was all you, sweetcheeks." 

"HONEY.  equestria {the name of the pony kingdom} is in a complete economical CRISIS.  they need a leader!  someone who can delegate and help them to build ponyville back up to what it once was!"

"ohmygosh you did NOT say that!"  i was laughing so hard.  "you know this is going to end up on facebook, right?"

"no!  NO.  don't do it!  this just stays between you and me!"

and i'm pretty sure if he wasn't driving and if there were a pillow around, he would have been covering his face with it.

"i love you ben,"  i said sweetly.

"LYNSEY."

"have a great day at work!  i'll check in on the ponies for you and let you know how they're doing!"

and we both laughed.

and then i updated my facebook status, and a couple of hours later, wrote this.


7 comments:

ClancyPants said...

I love that story amost as much as my kids love THIS story:

The Shortest Story Ever Written

Once Upon a Time.

The End.

The Foster Bunch said...

I am laughing so hard!! I had to tell my boys why I was laughing. They got a good kick out of it as well. Good luck Ben on your hunt for Fluttershy!!!

Kris said...

Can I come live at your house? Oh wait we decided winters were to be spent at your place and summers at ours! Guess we need to pack our bags!

Rachel Chick said...

AHhahahahahaaaa! Tell Ben that ponies are addictive . . . Equestria has invaded our house, too. --- Just not Nels. :)

Janelle said...

That was completely hilarious, I was laughing and laughing and I will share this with my husband, who loves video games :)

Cuddlydoll said...

Tell caleb (and ben) there is nothing to be ashamed of. My kids are total 'bro-nies." They watch it on netflix. Rainbow dash is their favorite. There's a whole community of bro-nies: guys (probably unemployed guys living with their moms who can't get girlfriends) who watch my little pony.

ohmylanta said...

Darn. That is Hilarious!
We know all about Equestria in our house. My girls like to fight over who is who (if you know what I mean)

I read this post a loud to my hubby. We both laughed quite a bit. Thanks for sharing!

No need to be embarrassed Ben. My mother (who is 60) stays up all night playing the Ice Age game. Last week she was all bent out of shape because she closed things down wrong and lost months and months of progress. It drives me crazy to have her around because she always has her nose in the ipad.......just..... collecting coins. Seriously???

Though, I am being hypocritical here. I did in fact stay up until 3am with my sister playing a children's hair cutting app. Well.... that, and .....we worked on our Indian accent.

Sometimes it's nice to be immature. But, not so much when you have to get up at 5am the next day.