cast-away!

5 weeks.

1 surgery.

48 hours of vomiting from lortab.

2 pins.
 

2 pins removed without any pain medication.

0 times in the swimming pool.

2 casts.  1 green, 1 red.

1 crazy-looking, constant rash.

4 superhero stickers.

2 blue tootsie pop suckers.

0 bikes, skateboards, scooters, etc. for 4 more weeks.

20,000 tears shed over being unable to scratch "the itchies."

but,

1 incredibly happy, brave and patient boy.

1st broken appendage in the strader home.....healed.

floating with contractions through the river of denial

{here is my denial face.  

i am thinking about eating chocolate on a tropical island somewhere.
it's where i always go.}

when i am pregnant, i am not the type of mother to bond with my children while they are in the womb.  i don't read to them, sing to them, or put headphones on my bare belly playing classical music.  in fact, i have a difficult time even calling them by the name we've picked out for them, or addressing them as "he" or "she."  i usually find myself addressing the baby as "it" and then ben will correct me with a, "you mean, she?"  and then i say, "oh, right. yeah. she."

i don't know why i am this way, but i have to say i don't think it's necessarily a good thing.  i think it says something about my mental state while i'm pregnant....i'm not sure what that is, but it says something, i think.

i know it isn't a new thing, or just related to this pregnancy because i wrote about it when i was 32 weeks pregnant with leah.

mainly i've realized that it's a huge state of denial.  so much so, in fact, that when i actually come to the laboring part of pregnancy and the child pops out, a voice inside my brain seems to scream,

"OH MY GOSH THERE WAS A BABY IN THERE!!  ALL OF THIS TIME?!?  HOW COULD I NOT KNOW THAT??  I WASN'T PREPARED FOR THIS!"

and then i'm handed this tiny being and i am completely overwhelmed.

but, in the end it always turns out okay.  i take it one day at a time and eventually realize that i am the mother of this baby and i did carry he or she in my uterus for 9 months.

i think with this pregnancy in particular i have found myself in such a state of denial.  probably because most of the time i felt i was just coping with what was going on in our lives outside of being pregnant.  one thing after the other seemed to hit for about 7 1/2 months, and it came in waves.  just long enough for me to struggle to the surface and get my bearings before another wave took me under for a week or two....or three.

so when we moved into this new house and started to get settled, and worked in somewhat of a summer routine, i took a breather and really relaxed.  things were simple and quiet again.  {aside from my children, who absolutely love to hear the sound of their own voices at a volume that could probably shatter glass}

until about two weeks ago.  i woke up at 1 a.m. one night, clutching my stomach.  and realized i was doing lamaze breathing without even trying.  it was a contraction, but harder than the normal braxton hicks contractions that i had been having since i was about 5 or 6 months along.  it started in my lower abdomen and wrapped around to my back.  my face felt like it was on fire and i had to concentrate to get through it.  after a minute or so it was over, so i lay back down.  just as i was getting back to sleep, another one started.  i was laying on my side and once it started, i couldn't move, so i just held onto my stomach again, and got through it.  a few minutes later another came.  and then another.  i changed sides, but they didn't stop.  i got up and walked around, went and sat down on the couch.  they didn't stop.

at this point, i was only about 35 weeks along.  and with both of my other two kids, my body had not been cooperative at all when it came to "getting ready" for labor before my due date.  i never dilated on my own, didn't "drop" {don't you love that term?}, wasn't effaced....nothing.  both kids i had under strange circumstances.  so i wasn't quite sure what was going on here.  but i have felt contractions before--real contractions--and these felt pretty similar to them. 

i started to time each one....they were 5 or at the most 6 minutes apart on the dot.  they were not irregular, they were like clockwork.  of course, my "birthing coach" was still snoring soundly in bed at this point and i didn't want to wake him up unless i knew something was going on.  because to be honest, he's kind of grumpy when he's woken up out of sleep.  it's one of the only times that i can say i am more pleasant than him.  when i'm woken up, i pop out of sleep and my brain jumps into place and i'm tired, but good to go.  ben is not only grumpy, but disoriented and confused and usually starts rambling nonsense with his eyebrows scrunched together like he's in an extreme amount of pain, and you {the waker of the wakee} are the cause of it.  so sometimes, it's more trouble than it's worth to wake him up.

i researched the signs of pre-term labor and it looked like i had a majority of the symptoms.  that's when i started to get nervous.  but aside from denial, i also have another problem when it comes to pregnancy and labor:  i just don't trust myself. 

i always talk myself out of things....telling myself i'm paranoid or overreacting or just anxious.  not only that, but it was about 3 a.m. during this point in the game and i knew that i was going to have to wake up a household in order to take myself into the hospital.  and was i really sure that this was labor?

so, i waited it out. 

the contractions went steady until about 5 a.m., when they finally ceased and i could go to sleep.  i woke back up at 7:30, explained to ben what had happened, helped him get the kids ready for church, and went back to sleep because i was so exhausted. 

but i think that was the moment for me.  going from the somewhat comfortable state of pretending my stomach was just growing abnormally large due to icecream, into sudden, consistent contractions woke me up out of my denial with a jolt. 

when ben came home from church he immediately said, 

"so. do we have anything ready for this baby to come?  because maybe we should start thinking about that now.  i know you like to pretend that we still have 3 more months to go, but i'm pretty sure we don't."

and i realized he was right.  i had nothing ready....i hadn't washed any newborn clothes, the bassinette was out in the garage and desperately needing to be washed too, didn't have any newborn diapers, the carseat was also somewhere in the garage, writing out emergency phone numbers and directions for the baby-sitter if i should happen to go into labor in the middle of the night, i didn't have my things packed....and the most embarrassing part??  i didn't even know where the hospital is that i'm delivering at.  now i did know the name of the hospital.  and the general place that it's located.  but that was about it.

so, that next week i tried to wrap my mind around the realization. 

it didn't necessarily work, as far as my mental state.  but things are physically ready now.  mostly anyway.  bassinette, car seat, directions & emergency stuff for the baby-sitter, clothes for the baby, clothes for me.  and i actually drove past the hospital.

go me.

as far as the contractions?  they keep coming.  for a week it was almost every night, at the same time, from 1am-4am.  non-stop, consistent, every 4 minutes.  now it happens every couple of nights.  but every night it happens i talk myself out of doing anything about it.  i have found that a 20 minute, hot shower helps things calm down.

i asked my doctor at the last appointment why it was happening.  and i guess it boils down to my body actually "getting itself ready" this time.  boy, that would be a nice change, to maybe be able to labor at home a little bit when it's the real deal.  though it's a trade-off.  i now know why most women are seriously miserable by the end of their pregnancy.  i've never felt this way before, that i want to just get it over with!  the last two times i've been more worried about labor & then the anxiety of adjusting to life with a newborn that i want to be pregnant for as long as possible.  

i did ask my doctor how i would know the difference between this labor-prep-stuff and real labor.  

his answer?  "you'll just know."

to which i replied, "well i just want you to know that i am the type of person to talk myself out of things.  i tell myself i'm paranoid and to just calm down.  so i'm hoping that i really will 'just know' because otherwise i'm going to find myself at home, boiling hot water and grabbing salad tongs to deliver my own child because i've waited too long.  and to be honest, if that happens?  i'm going to collect the money for the self-delivery."

and then my doctor, who i have never seen laugh before, gave me a little chuckle.  if only he knew i wasn't joking.

so the strader home is ready for baby june.  but is my brain ready for it? .....i mean, her?

not yet, but i'm working on that.  i will admit now that just yesterday as i was eating my morning greek yogurt i looked at the expiration date and realized that the yogurt i was eating would be going bad before ben and i would be the parents of 3 children.  THREE CHILDREN!  what is happening here?!?

i almost passed out.

whether i want to admit it to myself or not, i am actually pregnant.  and there is a baby coming, and soon.

just curious, has anyone else felt this way???  and don't say yes just to make me feel better, or less crazy.  i already know i'm a nut job.  :)

what i wish i were doing right now:

medical mysteries & the campout.

after posting these pictures of putting up our tent in our kitchenslashfamilyroom, i'll share the story along with it.

we have been trying to take a family vacation for months now, and trying to do it before the baby comes, because...well, life just changes after that and i kind of hunker down for a while. 

my sister was going to come out with her kiddos in april....and then that was cancelled because her kids got sick and then, a big shocker, so did mine.  we were bummed.

we had a trip to utah planned for early in may....but then that was cancelled due to our frantic move from the moldy house.  we were more bummed.

we had been invited to go camping with ben's twinner & her family over memorial day weekend....which was cancelled when we found out the day before we were supposed to leave that caleb needed immediate surgery the next morning to repair his arm.

for father's day weekend i asked ben if he wanted to take the kids camping.  being honest, camping is not on my list of top 100 things to do for the weekend, especially when i'm 8 1/2 mos pregnant, but ben loves it & we finally had a tent that was big enough to fit our air mattress in...which at this point is the only way you could convince me to roll my big belly out to the out-of-doors.  and since we'd had to cancel so many fun things due to so many un-fun things, i wanted to be a good sport.

he said yes, got that special gleam in his eyes when he starts thinking about trail mix and bug spray, and we started to plan it.

....only to have caleb come down with a seriously crazy-looking rash that started just above his cast and started climbing up his neck and onto his face.  after 3 days of watching it, putting on hydrocortisone cream & giving him benadryl at night, it was only getting worse.  so the day before we were going to leave to go camping, we took him to the doctor to figure out what it was. 

it's so fun when the peditrician is as puzzled about a rash as we are.  

"could be a virus?  could be an allergy?" she askedslashtold us.  and followed that up with the reasurring words:  "i'd love to be there when they take off that cast to see what's going on underneath there.  that would be interesting." 

uhhhh.  great?  glad this is so exciting to you?  we'll mail you an invite when they're going to take off the cast? 

of course my vivid imagination went wild with that statement.  picturing us on the next episode of "medical mysteries" while a group of experts gathered around as they broke open the cast to reveal something extremely nasty.

she said that if it were a virus, that it would likely be followed by a fever and then who knows what else.  of course this was the day before we were planning on leaving for the father's day campout.  we have to go several hours outside of where we're living to get to cooler weather and decided that it wasn't worth it to be stuck out in the middle of nowhere in case a possible virus hit.

needless to say, but i'll say it anyway.....we were bummed.

so, that's when we decided to bring camping to our home.  we set up the tent, i made some good food, and we invited our new across the street neighbors {who also happened to have been in our rexburg 11th ward back in the newlywed days--and also happen to be a really fun couple with some cute girls--bonus!}  for an in-home campout night.  we put our t.v. & dvd player from our bedroom in the tent, grabbed a bunch of blankets & pillows, and wha-lah!  here's a picture of the kids in the tent, watching "brother bear":

the week before, ben had gone out early to some yard sales on the hunt for a cheap dresser to put the baby's clothes in....and even though he didn't find a dresser, {we're still looking in case any of you local folks know of a dresser up for grabs} he did find this:

our own fire pit for the backyard.  a dream come true for the once hardcore camper extraordinaire.  not me, ben.  the only thing i have ever been hardcore about is naps.  and icecream.

so we roasted marshmallows, had smores, and had fun talking and hanging out. 

that night, ben & caleb slept in the tent.  there was no way i was going to sleep there if my bed was just a few feet away.  i might be crazy, but i'm not that crazy.  

it was a fun night, and i was glad that no matter the circumstances, we finally got our family vacation.

p.s. it wasn't a virus, just an allergic reaction.  they changed his cast yesterday and luckily my nightmares of rotted gangrene skin did not come true.  and also....his pediatrician was not invited to the cast removal.

psychedelic or psycho?

we haven't had new bedding for about 4 years, and i wanted a change.  but a change on a budget is kind of difficult to do, especially knowing that it probably won't be able to be changed for another 4-5 years.  so i dropped the dreams of going all out and compromised for something that would be less expensive and easier to work around.  

ben's only request was not too "froofy" which i thought was fair. 

i tried to keep it simple when it came to the bedding, so that i could change it up at anytime and wouldn't have to work to hard to change out colors.  not sure if the camera is showing the color great, but the blanket and sheets are a light grey.  

i chose something a little more different as the focal point.  i saw this tapestry at urban outfitters and have always loved blues/greens/grays in the bedroom.  it was different, and i was worried that it wouldn't turn out, but i'm really liking it so far.  

then ben called it "psychedelic" and that he loved it because it reminded him of his good ol' hippie-wannabe days in high school.  hmmmmmmm.....

i'm going to change out the lamp shades when i find either some gray or dark blue ones that fit our lamps.  and probably add a couple of teal/blue/gray small pillows when we have the budget for it.

can i say though, that i am having a seriously difficult time with the windows in this place?  all of them are the same...blinds with a cover over the front.  i'd like to add some grey curtains but i'm trying to figure out the best way to do it.

we'll see if i can get creative.

duvet cover from ikea.

sheets & blanket on clearance from target.

father's day 2011.

notice caleb's zipper--poor fella has a hard time keeping that zipped up with the one arm.

favorite picture of the day coming up right now...

i wasn't able to get them all smiling at once, and i don't own photoshop to insert the strategically placed smiles, or open up someone's eyes, {or fix leah's nap hair} so we get what we get. 

church, naps, presents, gun fights, chicken enchiladas, relaxing,

it was a good day. 

groceries.

leah loooooves playing in the fridge.  

and if it weren't such a waste of money to have her keeping the door open, i would leave her there all day, thoroughly entertained.

but on the days when i bring home a whole lot of groceries and have to clean out the old before putting in the new, i let her "help" me.

on this particular day, she was rearranging things while simultaneously munching on cheese.

i realized i just blogged about my daughter standing in the fridge and eating cheese.
we sure are an exciting bunch around here, aren't we??

sometimes though, i like to remember the daily things my kids do,
their quirkiness.
because i tend to forget.

i also know that in just a few short weeks, these daily things
will probably take a backseat to the new baby in the house.

so i want to remember things like leah playing in the fridge.

it's always a battle of the wills when i'm done & trying to get her to close the door, 

but before the end is near, she's completely content.

p.s. her hair only looks this shagadelic around....73% of the time.  

the rest of the time i actually do her hair.  

but another big-girl haircut is needed and pronto.

p.s.s. in case you missed the announcement, i'll be changing the blog over to private in about a week or so.  if you want an invite, leave a comment!  {not sure why, but a few peeps are saying that blogger isn't letting them comment.  
sorry about that!  leave one here if you need to, or on my facebook page. }

3rd time is the charm.

yep, i've posted this father's day tribute to ben 3 times now on the blog.  

but i haven't been feeling great today, so the inspiration to write something amazing hasn't been coming.  

plus, i really like this one.  so why ruin a good thing?

ben is such an amazing dad to our kiddos, they adore him.  he's a hands-on, don't-let-em-watch-too-much-t.v., take-them-to-the-park, make-sure-they-eat-their-vegetables, wrestle-until-he's-exhausted, rock-them-to-sleep-while-singing-bob-dylan, strict-when-he-needs-to-be, absolutely-hilarious,

dad.

i can't believe how much we all lucked out.  

***re-posting.

a father is.....

someone who makes you smile when you don't feel like smiling...

someone who feels your pain...

someone who will tickle you until you wet your pants...

someone who will share their hairstyle techniques...

who will hold you tight after you've been on a long journey...

someone who will lift you up so you can see the light...

someone who isn't afraid to give you kisses when others are watching...

someone who loves to have fun...

someone who values education...

someone who will help you appreciate the beauty of the earth...

someone who knows the value of a good nap...


someone who will teach you "marco, polo"...

someone who will help you walk through trials...

someone who will talk you through your problems...

someone with a fantastic sense of humor...

someone who gives the best hugs...

someone who will make you feel like a prince or princess...

someone who will sit on santa's lap when you're too scared to...

someone who is a good friend...

someone who will carry you when you are too tired to stand...

someone who is the best example of a super hero...

someone who would make his own father proud...

for all these reasons and more, this is why we love you.

happy father's day, ben.

what do you do when the universe keeps ruining your vacation plans?

you tell the universe that you're no longer listening to what it's saying,

and bring the vacation

to you.

happy weekend, everyone!!

p.s. a big shout out to rachel h. for hooking us up with an amazing deal for this enormous tent!!

making me happy today....

in no particular order.

braids in my used-to-be-nearly-bald-baby-girl's hair.

figuring out what to do with that unused space above my cabinets.

this pillow, a christmas gift from andrea.

these pictures.

this little boy's face, & his green cast.