fragility

sometimes i forget.

sometimes i go coasting along, happy and satisfied in my little life.

but then i'm always reminded.

of how fragile life is, how precious each moment is.

it's not like anything huge happened last night, nobody has caught the swine flu yet.

it was small, but it was enough.

we've had family in town for the past week, and more is coming this weekend. a few arrived last night and wanted to see the baby. she had been kind of more fussy than usual yesterday and wasn't sleeping well. but no big deal. ben put her on his arm in this hold to calm her down:


and she seemed fine, but then i looked over and noticed her drooling. but it wasn't just saliva, it was bright red blood. just a stream of it. we all noticed, and immediately began looking for the source. her mouth, her cheeks, something. but we couldn't find it. we pulled out a flashlight, searched further. nothing. and aside from us poking around, she didn't seem uncomfortable.

i feel like i have gotten a bit of a stigma attached to me. a paranoid, over-protective stigma. and rightly so. because let's face it, i am. i am a total germaphobe. and i know that in the past i've been completely justified in being this way, but i also know that things are not the same as they were 3 years ago when we were working with caleb's struggles.

i have worked on not focusing all of my energy on the worst thing that can happen and instead try to realize that what is supposed to happen, does. this helps me to loosen the reins a bit. to relax. to enjoy.

so there i am, in the middle of the crowd of family and i am trying not to overreact. trying to just play it cool when everything inside of me is freaking out. i mean, it's not normal for a 2 month old to just start drooling blood, is it? not unless you're part of this book:



i called the after-hours line, talked with a nurse who couldn't come up with a solution. i'm not nursing, so it didn't come from me, she has not hit her head, she doesn't spit up, she isn't teething. so she contacted the after-hours doctor. he didn't know either, but just said it could be a burst nose capillary. that we needed to watch her and if it happened again last night, to call immediately. but they also advised us not to take her into the ER unless absolutely necessary because of how much crapola is floating around there these days.

i came down from the clouds of my happy and coasting life. once pleased that i have a thriving 2 month old, i felt my old self nagging at me and a little voice whispering to me, she's just as fragile as he was.

it could have been a negative experience. but instead, i decided to try to change my perspective on the incident. i smothered her with kisses, hugged her more, held her longer, and put her to bed knowing that whatever happened, that was what was supposed to.

i let go of the need to control it all and looked back on the past two months that we have been given with this little girl, and the past almost 4 years we have been given with this little guy, and the past 7 years i've been given with this man, and the past 28 years i have been given on this earth. and i am still happy.

she hasn't had any problems since that incident, but it didn't stop me from still smothering her cheeks this morning and reveling in her smiling face.

here is a tribute to caleb, who often asks me to sing this song to him before he goes to bed.