rewards

been thinking a lot about motherhood lately.

my take on being a mom today? well, i spent 98% of my day in my "house clothes" also known as my pj's (the other 2% is when i will take a shower as soon as i'm done typing this & then will change into a clean pair of "house clothes"). ben is working overnight shifts so he came home & went to sleep while i...

did the dishes, folded & put away 4 loads of laundry, vacuumed the carpets, swept the floor, cleaned the toilets...rocked, wiped, fed, changed, bathed, comforted, disciplined, taught, tickled, wrestled, soothed, burped, listened, etc.

i guess i got a lot accomplished. yet somehow, it doesn't feel like it. i'm still in the same clothes i wore to bed last night and i haven't stepped foot out of the apartment. don't even get me started on my 12 attempts to exercise.

there are some who say that motherhood is the most rewarding job. which is what i started thinking about as my day was coming to an end. hmmmmm...rewards...think....

this morning:

"wake up momma, it's a beautiful sunny day," he's been saying this everyday to me for at least a year now. his little hands softly touch my arms. "can i come up and snuggle and watch a show with you?"

"sure, booger." and roll over to look at the clock. 5:45 am. you're kidding me. blast that arizona sun! it comes up earlier every day. he walks around and i can see his blonde chicken little hairstyle sticking up around the mattress as he drags with him his 3 best friends, bear, green and apple. hops on the bed and curls up on top of my feet.

half an hour later, she stirs. i roll over to see if she's just moving around while she's sleeping and jump a little to see her big blue-gray eyes staring back. "good morning," i say. and her face breaks into the biggest smile, lighting up from the inside. i can't help but smile back.

3 hours later...

"okay, close your hands like this," he instructs me, showing me to put my two palms together. "and close your eyes, like this." he squints. i do as i'm told.

"keep them closed." i do.

"penny, penny, who has the penny?" he chants as he takes those same little hands and slides a penny between my palms.

"okay, open your eyes."

i look around. "is it bear?" i ask.

"no..." he says, smiling.

"baby sweet pie?"

"no..."

"is it--ME?"

"YES!! YOU GOT IT MOMMA! YOU FOUND THE PENNY!! now let's play again! my turn!" we continue this for quite some time.




4 hours after that...

"can i help you do that?" he looks at me surrounded by piles of clean clothes.

"absolutely!" and we make a game out of him running his clothes and putting them in his drawers. without him knowing, i check a few minutes later to see what his room looks like. the clothes are all in the right drawers, but they're hanging out of the sides so that none of them can close. i smile, and leave it that way.


1 hour later...

i am holding her while she's drinking a bottle. both of her hands are holding on to my fingers in her vice-grip and she's staring up at me. i ask her if she's enjoying her lunch. her eyebrows shoot up and she breaks into another smile, answering my question in her own language. so sweet. after she's done eating, we enjoy a few minutes of conversation while she excitedly kicks her legs and swings her arms around.


5 hours down the road...

"momma! we got a suprise for you!" he bursts through the door after returning home from the store with ben. "it's a secret and i can't tell you what it is. but i will tell you that it's green, and it's really special." (last year's "surprise" was 2 dinosaurs. one that runs and one that roars. i was given the running dinosaur. somehow both of them ended up in his room.)

i sneak a peek when he's not looking. i see a green star wars light saber in a target bag. i get a sneaking suspicion that one's going to be joining the dinosaurs in his room.


30 minutes after that...

"good night buddy. thanks for being such a good boy today." i kiss him, twice. wrap his blanket around him tightly.

"i love you momma. i'll give you your suprise tomorrow. it's a secret. but it's really special." and he reaches his little hands up again, squeezing my cheeks. "i just love you."

"love you too, magoo."


1 more hour goes by...



she's kicking her feet & splashing in the water, content. we lift her out and i get her ready for bed, giving her a little baby lotion massage before her pj's go on. she jabbers the whole time. i hold her and she smells sooooooo good. she finally closes her big eyes and goes to sleep.

these are my rewards. they get me up in the morning, they keep me going in the middle of the day when i'm exhausted, and help me sleep peacefully at night. i know that i'm not perfect, that i'm going to mess them up somehow. i'm fully prepared to apologize for this.

my friend andrea has said to me, "you literally spilled your blood in order to bring them here to earth. you have a lot invested in your kids." and it's true. just 2 short months ago i finished 9 hellacious months of discomfort by practically splitting myself in two so that she could now exist on this planet. these little mini-adults are made up of literal pieces of me. it still blows my mind.

when it comes to motherhood, i am an absolute novice. i'm only 4 years into this and have a lot to learn. the rewards don't come in the form of money, or chocolate, or even a pat on the back with a "good job." but as i look back through just one day i see the rewards of the sacrifice that was made to get them here. they are priceless, heavenly rewards.

but you want to know what i think the greatest reward of motherhood is? being given the gift of loving them so much that i can't wait to get up and do it all again tomorrow. even if it is at 5:45 am.

hope you all have a happy mother's day.

and to my own mom?

thank you. i love you.