Monday, January 10, 2011

things you may not like about me.

 {for those who have previously accused me of only taking "good pictures"....this one's for you.}

so here's a fun secret to share:

i am terrified to have 3 kids.

almost everyone i have talked to that has 3+ children says that 3 is pretty much as tough as it gets.  then, the more you add, the merrier.  you've already lost your mind by that point, so why not?  have another.    i was not ready to get pregnant with this child and though i'm not resentful about it, i just don't feel prepared.  but can you ever really prepare yourself?  because who knows how the dynamics will change, for better or worse?  at heart i'm a preparer though, so this whole idea has thrown me for a loop.  

another secret to share:

i was also terrified to have 2.

but, for different reasons.  i was scared of giving birth to another caleb baby, a screaming and discontent and tireless child.  one i adored with every fiber of my being, but still.  the thought of having another one just like him terrified me.  kept me up at night, and causing-problems-with-my psyche-terrifying.

secret #3, as if you haven't had to read enough:

i really, really don't like being pregnant.

i know this is probably an awful thing to say.  i have several dear and close friends who i have watched had to have the inability to become pregnant as their trial.  so when i announce this, even to myself, i immediately feel selfish and ungrateful.  

i also have a family member and several close friends who have awful pregnancies.  like, stuck with IV's in their arms, on chemo medicine, daily home nurses needed, unable to take care of themselves or other children-type sick.  so again, me complaining and feeling all sorry for myself that i get 24/7 nausea and complete and utter exhaustion makes me feel like a wussy.

but i try to let myself be okay with realizing that even just this type of pregnancy is a hurdle, even if in comparison it's not like others i know have had to suffer through.  feeling like i'm functioning at about 50% all of the time, counting down the minutes to caleb's quiet time/leah's nap time so that i can rest for a little bit, and trying to put on a good face for others when i really just want to go and throw up or curl up in the fetal position gets old after several months.

don't get me wrong, i recognize that this baby is a blessing, and will ultimately be incredible for our family.  

i've just felt lately like i have been treading water, and not gracefully or with class.  it's been more of a haphazard splashing around doggy paddle.  not pretty.

also not pretty?  the way that i've looked lately.  for once considering myself someone who has a hard time going places without make-up on, well.....that ship has sailed.  i have walked through grocery stores, department stores, in crowds of people completely bare skinned.  i'd like to say it felt liberating, due to working on how i feel about my image no matter what, but really....when it happened these times it was mainly because it was just easier.

which leads me to my last secret:

i think that at the heart of me, i like things easy.  super easy.

i mean, i get that most people prefer things easy over difficult, don't they?  who absolutely loves scaling emotional or physical walls?  if you know someone, i have an awesome therapist to refer them to.  just kidding.

but i think i can take things to an extreme.  i talk myself out of the tiniest things when i'm feeling well.  add pregnancy onto my initial issues and i seriously feel like i might as well be a turtle who constantly hides in her shell.  i have our little daily life down to a schedule.  it's quiet, simple, and probably boring to most.  i don't like to push myself. 

for example:  school.

i made a a commitment to myself that i would sign up for school this semester.  of course, that was pre-pregnancy, so when i surprisingly became pregnant i let myself off of the hook and used it as my excuse.  not good.  

the next example:  housework.

it never looks awful here, but it never looks finished.  something that continually drives me insane, but i choose the easy route and just think about dusting/putting the laundry completely away/finishing the dishes instead of getting up and doing it.  i think it's a form of self torture so that nothing ever really feels done.

final example:  exercising.

it seems like i can't remember the days that i was exercising during nap/quiet times, or once the kids were in bed.  the last time i got on the treadmill and pushed myself, i had to lay on the bed for 30 minutes just to recuperate from it.  sad, sad.  i have gone mildly walking twice with andrea, but to be honest, i'm pretty much tapped out for the rest of the day afterward.


this is my self-deprecating blog post amid the somewhat inspirational ones.  i'm working on fully accepting myself through this phase, without selling myself short and allowing my negative thoughts to outweigh the positive ones.  

i'm still pushing myself through it, and delicately walking the balance between the desire to change and the desire to accept. 

and am planning on coming out on the other side of this somewhat unscathed.

a big ol' p.s.  after re-reading what i wrote, do you know the thought that keeps popping into my head?  
is that maybe...aside from other things that this pregnancy & baby is going to do for our family....that it's also God's way of saying to me, 

"i'm now going to put your words and thoughts to the test.  you can do things differently this time."

so my friends, we're going to see if i can do just that.


janine said...

three kids has taught me to chill. things are not perfect and i think i'm learning to enjoy the chaos. my theory, however is that no matter the number of children, you will ALWAYS be overwhelmed!! I was overwhelmed with one, two and now three. i don't even think that i handle things that well, i've just learned to let certain things go! is this a depressing comment? sorry.

Meggan Hayes said...

I've been reading your blog for a long time now. I love how you are such a person. You make me feel like my brand of crazy is actually normal and ok. Thanks for being awesome and tired and makeupless (yes that's a word)! I wish we could be neighbors but blog friends is cool too.
As for the number of kids, honestly, the hardest for me was the first because I had to learn everything. You'll do great!

Rachel Holloway said...

I could go down your list and check off almost all of them for something I would say or feel.

And there's no shame in that. It's just how you feel. I've gotta be honest--the verdict is still out on the 3 kids vs. more...I can't decide which is harder...but then again, I'm dealing with a cranky, sleepless, teething baby right now! :)

Just know that somehow, Heavenly Father will make it ALL manageable. NOT perfect, but manageable. When I had 3 kids under 3, I had anticipated the absolute WORST--I didn't know if I would be able to hack it, especially with Brandon being in med school and gone all the time. We had some stressful moments, yes, but looking back I am amazed at how STRONG I was--how many places we went together and all the fun things we did. It was like there was this fountain of help pouring down on me--

And I have a feeling it will be much the same for you. :)

You're such a sweet person, and a fantastic mother (regardless of liking pregnancy or not...I can't say I'm much of a fan myself. ;) And I KNOW you will be successful as you move forward...

Fawn said...

Nobody likes to exercise Lynsey fact last night I went to Zumba, came home and took two advils & layed on the bed draming of a Twix. I am so excited for you to have another one of your precious blondies :) Oh and I am already gathering ideas for your baby that okay?? By the way, when are you going to write a post about how fabulous your hair is? What a great friend you are? How you can warm the chill of an icy soul like myself?? How you teach your son so well that he can already READ? How you are an amazing writer??? Write that post, I want to read that :)

Doug and Tiff said...

i'm in the same boat as you though... well except for the whole being prego thing... but i know how ya feel. CONGRATS on your new addition... everything always has a way of working out. :)

Melissa said...

Lynds we are like kindred spirits. This post totally hit a cord with me. I too hate being pregnant. Even though my pregnancies could be way worse. I really don't enjoy an aspect of it. I am terrified of having another kid because although my daughter was an awesome easy baby she is the opposite kind of toddler! I can't have two kids like her, I would have to medicate. I have often told my husband that throughout my life I have ALWAYS taken the path of least resistance. I like things easy too. I love you! You're awesome good luck!

Andrea said...

Well miss Lynsey, I want to read you an affirmation I read just recently. "I am PERFECTLY imperfect. I was NEVER intended to be perfect. That's part of being a MORTAL child of God. I strive to learn and grow and try IN my imperfection." I love that and it has been my affirmation for several days. I love you and I admire you keeping it real. I hope you are napping and enjoying caleb's quite time right this very minute. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that...that's just flat out smart!

Janelle said...

Wow, reading this blog post really rings true to me. I too hate pregnancy and I am like you, nothing too crazy besides nausea/vomiting in the first 3-4 months but then it gets better. However, pregnancy is just hard, food is weird, stomach feels weird, body is weird etc. I also feel like I can't really complain about it either although I still do sometimes. I have some close to me that have a hard time conceiving or have had miscarriages when weeks earlier we were celebrating together. It's hard to deal with that as the one who is healthy and having everything turn out fine.

I'm glad to see others feel like I do and I think it's just true that although pregnancy is hard, it is a blessing but we don't always feel that way. I struggle with newborns too....ahhhh!

Brooke said...

I'll be honest-I felt the same way about having three. I was terrified but you know what? Although there are days when 3 is overwhelming mostly it's so much better (and easier) than I thought it would be. Maybe I just had myself totally freaked out when I was pregnant so it wasn't as bad as I had imagined but really, honestly-I love it! (most days :)