Wednesday, February 8, 2012

opening and closing an overwhelming pandora's box

i've been writing, in pieces.  i tell you what, it's really hard to open up pandora's box for small increments at a time, to be interrupted to change a diaper or feed a small mouth, or pretend that i'm one of the members of little einsteins and prepare myself for a ride on a rocket as we take off for another rescue mission.

after shushing my kids while riding in the van, and asking for just 30 seconds of peace, only to be interrupted after about 6 seconds by leah, who wanted to let me know that there was an airplane-or-possibly-a-big-jet flying in the sky, and then immediately following with caleb asking why i needed 30 seconds of peace, i explained to him what the word "overwhelmed" meant, as much as i could on a 6 yr-old level.  letting him know how even though i need quiet sometimes, and feel like i have there is just a lot, that there is nowhere i would rather be, no one i would rather spend my time with.  even if i do get overwhelmed.

to feel like there is never enough of me to go around, never enough time in the day.  never enough, yet constantly trying to trick my brain and heart that what i do is always enough.  because they are always my priority.  over laundry, and dishes, and returning phone calls to my friends, and showers, and all of it.  it is how it should be, at this moment in my life.  i just need to remember to everything there is a season, even if it is a season of being overwhelmed for a day.  {or a year.}  i love being their mother, there is nothing better for me in this life.  

then i fed them, read to them, held them, put them to bed, and before i got going on all that was ahead of me, sat for 10 minutes to read these words.  she is so much one of my favorite writers.  because more often than not, it's like she's in my home, or riding along in the van, or peeking in my windows {in a non-creepy way of course} and then writing down what i cannot.

i know that what i'm currently in the middle of writing is adding to this overwhelming-ness.  emotions are surfacing that i've pushed down because i have to not only function, but enjoy my life.  so it needs to be done.  finished.  anyone have 4 consecutive, un-interrupted hours they can lend me?

i will go back to digging through pandora's box, trying to get in to the flow of what i want to communicate, so that it's fluid and not misunderstood.  so that those who need to read it will feel connected with me, as i reach out.  i'm sure there will be fall-out, whether it's positive or negative.  can fall-out be positive?  i guess i'll know soon enough.

the past day or two, as i attempt to get back into writing during many distractions, i continually listen to this song.  i thought it was quirky-weird-sad when i heard it the first time or two, but couldn't get it out of my brain.  now, it opens up something.  and i can tap into those buried emotions quicker as i listen.  {disclaimer: it has absolutely nothing to do with what i'm writing about}

don't worry, i initially dismissed it too.  listen to it 3 times, then judge it.

see what you think.


Rachel Chick said...

What a great post and what a great other post. (EO) Isnt that the truth. We're all praying it's enough, lyns. And I truly believe that it is. The grace of God is so much further reaching than I think we realize.

I love you, lady.

Heather EO said...

Thank you for linking to me and for your words about my writing. I think it's a compliment to be considered a window-peeper. heh. :)

I get it.

And I love that song so much. I felt the same way when I first heard it. "That's so weird, why do i love it so much?" Then they were on Ellen, all playing the same guitar. Anyway...

You know the thing about starting to write or starting to think and not being able to finish. It's really hard. Here we are, still people, women with big thoughts and feelings and experiences and histories and it all feels so STUCK while we serve these little short people. And I love it so so much too and I will always know how fast it's going but that doesn't make it easy. It's hard. And so good. And so confusing.

Thank you again.


John said...

Hi Lynsey - I hope you don't mind my commenting here but I'm just glad to have found someone in the Strader clan and I'll have to bookmark your blog. I'm Ben's cousin - I'm sure we met a few years ago at the bbq at Ginny's house and for all I know I might have even been at your wedding. It's kind of funny to see Ben with a beard. Anyway, nice to find you on the web here.