north carolina, day 6....on Bakers Mill Road.

we left the beach to head back to durham, and had a few hours before we were meeting others for dinner, so we decided to take a stroll down memory lane and drive past the group home we had once managed.

we passed the Food Lion, where we used to grocery shop with the teenagers, and shopped at the mall where one of the clients ran away from me for a few hours.  that was a terrifying day, let me tell you.  i had to get security involved to help me find her, and was panicking with the thought of the phone call i was going to have to make to her mother, telling her that i couldn't find her 10-year-old daughter.

once she was finally found, she knew she was going to lose all of her privileges when we returned to the home, so i had to endure an hour long temper tantrum, standing among a crowd of strangers all fresh from Christmas, innocently enjoying their day off, while she screamed curse words at me with mucus running down her nose and into her mouth.  as firm as i tried to stand during that afternoon, and as calm as i attempted to look, inside i was shaken.  

we kept driving, passing the elementary school we had visited for reasons no one should ever have to visit an elementary school.  as we turned down Bakers Mill Road, i was brought back to the different life i had lived. i had driven up and down this street more times than i could count, the wheels of the group home van rolling over the pavement as we went to and from one therapy appointment to the next, tensely gripping the steering wheel while taking one of the clients to the hospital, going to church and praying for them to make it through the 3 hours without losing it, on our way to one of the schools to pick up a teenager who was expelled for attempting to kill the vice principal with a stapler {true story}.

we pulled up to the house, which was now just a home for a family.  i wanted to run up the stairs and throw open the front door, inhaling to see if the scent that used to turn my stomach was still there, to see if the piano she had stood and jumped on while screaming the F-word was still there, to look for the patch-jobs on the walls from the multiple holes that had been punched in them were still there, to see if the office door with the glass squares that had been broken while i was just inches away was still there.  i wanted to see if the upstairs bedroom that had become a sanctuary for my then-family of 3 was still Bracing Blue, the color ben and i had loved so much and picked out together.

i wanted to know how life could be lived differently in that home-- without the anxiety, stress and fear i had attached to it.  i wanted this house to lose its power over me.

i held my hand out of the window, taking a picture of the brick and the green with my phone.  as we slowly drove back down the tree-lined street, i thought of the last time i had looked at the house in the rearview mirror, finished with our year contract, already a day behind schedule from a faulty moving company, frantic to get on the road and taste the peace of just our family again.

this time as we drove i only felt content. i knew how much i had changed from those experiences, from that year, and i realized as we turned off of Bakers Mill Road that the memories i had were just that now.  moments of my life, not what defined it.  i had kept the good with me, and left the hard and traumatic within those walls.

the house that was no longer a group home had already lost its power.

we arrived at dinner, meeting up with our bosses, co-workers and friends--part of the small group that helped us to not lose ourselves during those 12 months.  it was so great to get caught up on the changes that had taken place in the 5 years since we'd last seen them.  i remember the loneliness--i had no friends outside of them, no social outlet, aside from them.  i'm grateful for their support, the kind that can only come from someone who has lived that life.  that was the year i started blogging, desperate for a way to reach to the outside world.  

which brings us full circle, i guess....blogging about when i began blogging. it's funny to me how life can do this, showing you shadows of yourself just from a drive down a familiar street and dinner with familiar faces.

our last night in north carolina was a meaningful one for me, and the perfect way to end our visit.

on how pinterest is the new blogging and where i channel kirsten dunst channeling marie antoinette.

so it's not a secret that bloggers are a dying breed.  well, some of them aren't.  the famous ones with a bajillion followers that might be making a small income and are writing books and such, i'm sure they're around to stay.  


but little by little, i've seen a lot of my personal friends dwindle off their blogs. and i admit that even i have done this.  not because i've wanted to, i am still living life as a continual blog post, thinking through scenarios and creating words to write to make them come alive.  but what i am lacking is time, in a serious way.  ben is gone almost every night, and i've worked out a system so that every night, each kid gets about 30 minutes of one-on-one time with me during our bedtime routine.  once they're in bed, i clean up the house and then i start in on writing articles and doing video blogs for my work, usually around 10 pm.  at some point ben comes home, we fill each other in on the details of our day, and i go to bed around midnight or 1 a.m.  and by that point, my brain is fuzzy and fried and the words have mushed together and are no longer creative, or funny, they are just words that no longer form into coherent thoughts. 


i miss blogging, i miss writing in a way i can't describe.  


blogging has been my space to record some of my most insightful thoughts, some of my most painful memories, some of my most fearful moments as a young mother, and some of the most blessed and rewarding minutes of my life.  it has helped me to remember, to be both introspective and keep my perspective.  to look at this past journey of 5 years and see my own spiritual, mental and physical evolution.  recorded moments of my children that i would have never really focused in on otherwise.  


i have heard the phrase "live in the moment" so many times, and how some mothers have expressed that blogging has taken away from their ability to do this...because it is time-consuming.  or time wasting.  but i completely disagree.  everyone chooses to "waste time" somewhere....television, music, reading, exercise, sewing, shopping, eating, traveling.  any of these things can be a waste of time if they are not enriching our lives somehow.




so blogging taking away from my ability to live in the moment?  it has done the opposite for me.   it has heightened the good and the bad, the beautiful and the heart-wrenching.  as crazy as it sounds, colors are richer, and emotions are deeper because of it.  because i am constantly aware of what is going on in my little life, constantly snapping pictures, remembering phrases and looks and tiny details, down to the very eyelashes of my children.  like when i'm walking into a room to find leah randomly sitting with a piece of cheese on her face, a moment i would have laughed at but most likely not have reached for the camera.  

or hilarious exchanges with ben that otherwise would have been forgotten.  or moments where i feel love so deeply for these 4 people in my inner circle and i can express it without just feeling it and having the moment gone the next minute.  and i am so glad that we get to have these recorded moments of our lives that are passing by too quickly. 


last night i went through our private blog, the one i started in 2007 while we were living in north carolina, working living and working at a group home with a load of crazy teenagers and an even bigger load of adventures that nobody in their right mind wanted to have.  not only did i read about our surreal experiences there, but i also read all of the hilarious and supportive comments of my blogging friends around the world.  and yes, i can say world, because one of them lived in korea, and one in china.  :)  


and you know what?  i missed it.  nope, not the group home, not for a second.  what do you think i am, insane?  what i missed was that connection with my friends and family through writing down experiences. 


i also miss my friends.  yes we have facebook and can follow each other on pinterest, but for me it's not the same.  and it's not just because i love to write, though i do.  it's why i was an english major in college for a year.  but i also miss it because i love to read about my friends.  isn't there something odd about how now most blogs that i read are complete strangers?  there's something amazing about that too, don't get me wrong.  reading the words of someone who i have never met and they just get me in a way that even i can't describe myself?  it's so fulfilling. and there are some blogging friends who i've never met but actually consider and call my "friends" because of the back-and-forth exchanges we've found through blogging.  


but with my friends, who now live spread across the country... i guess when this all started, this blog rage, i had romantic visions of all of us growing old together, blogging about our children's high school graduations, and weddings, and grandchildren, and retirement, and adult diapers.  i may or may not have envisioned myself laying in my bed at the old folk's home, with my dentures next to my computer, my arthritic fingers slowly typing about the featured split pea soup for lunch, and how my body is falling apart but my brain and spirit are still alive, wondering what heaven will be like and being able to still reach across the virtual world to find a connection with a loved one who is not sitting in that lonely, sterile room with me, making me feel so much less alone.  


a couple of weeks ago while i was at work, we were talking about how blogging seems like it's going out of style.  like it's sooooo 2007-2011. suddenly pinterest emerged, and blogging became the red-headed stepchild, the neglected one, the less exciting, less thrilling, less crafty one.  


not a good move for me, career-wise, seeing that i was hired as their company blogger.  hmm. 


but where did we go, friends?  is it because i've been seriously lazy about commenting lately?  if you think no one is listening, are you quitting?  are you too busy?  or is blogging really dead?  or just for those few left who have become/are trying to become successful through theirs?  


well, to that i say NAY.  

in my best kirsten-dunst-acting-like-marie-antoinette voice, 

to that i say

"LET THEM STILL BLOG!"  

so how about this.  


i'll blog if you will.  


deal?  
   

blogging about blogging.

so i've been thinking about this one for a while now.

it might turn into a vent.

it might turn into a rambling tangent. (i know, i know. this one is more likely.)

it might be offensive.

it might make you agree, or not agree.

i'm just forewarning you that there may be danger ahead...i don't really know since i'm just going to start typing and see what happens.

so anyway, read with caution. or just ignore this. either way, you've been warned.



i have heard several friends at one time or another say to me that they were no longer going to read blogs because they become depressing. that everyone (generally speaking here) posts about how WONDERFUL! life is. and how FABULOUS! their marriage is. and how BEAUTIFUL! their children are. how CRAFTY! they are. what great and marvelous CHEFS! they've turned into.

and that it's depressing enough to these friends that they want to swear-off blogging for a while.

and then the comments. ohhhhhh, the comments. why in the world are some people basing whether or not they feel fulfilled for the day on how many comments they've received???

why do comments affect a person's self-esteem? why do we let others' blogs affect our self-esteem?

here is how i feel about it, and about blogging in general.

i started our blog in 2007 when we were at a group home full of troubled teenagers and i felt that aside from ben and our co-workers, i had no outlet. i lay awake at night disturbed by whatever had gone on that day, and was trying desperately to fight away anxiety-induced nightmares that one of the kids had hopped in bed between us while holding a knife to kill us.

pretty, no?

so i started writing. and the more i wrote, the more i could see the humor in a humor-less situation. and i felt better. i began sleeping better and getting through some days with the single thought that i could blog about the trauma of the day later to relieve some of the stress. so i kept it up.

and as blogs began to catch on like wildfire i was so excited! to be able to keep in touch with some of my family and friends who were across the country from me pretty much saved me from losing my sanity while finishing out the year. i could look at pictures of family vacations, of new homes and new babies and keep tabs on a world outside of the chaos i was living.

sad to say, but it became my social life. i didn't have the opportunity to go out with friends or to go on dates with my husband during that year. there were times when i felt like i was a total loser because of how much i looked forward to blogging, but the more i think about it....the more grateful i am that at least i had it to take my mind off of things and to be able to vent and have others read about a little of what we were going through.

when we moved to arizona it was hot, i was pregnant and i didn't know anyone. i again found my outlet through writing and keeping in touch with friends through blogging.

most of my posts were reminders of how good things really were, and brought me out of my loneliness and the heat and put my life back in perspective.

and that is what it does for me now. puts things in perspective.

is my life perfect?

absolutely not. whose is?

everybody, EVERYBODY has something.

but is it a good life?

absolutely.

do i have a perfect marriage?

no. we have our good days, our bad days, our days spent annoyed with each other.

but do i have a husband who loves me, is committed to our family and who treats me well? do we work hard at taking care of our marriage?

definitely.

am i the perfect mother?

(good grief, is there such a thing?)

NO. i'm not even close! i question my mothering skills all of the time. being quite honest, i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing! i take it one day at a time, just like the majority of moms i know. i do the best that i can. i read, i pray, i feel guilty, i second-guess myself.

am i a completely secure and happy individual?

ummmm. did you read this post?

no. i struggle with the same things that the majority of women struggle with. self-image issues, inadequacy, feeling like i don't do enough and i should be doing more.

but.

like i mentioned before, when i blog, it seems to help with these things. it puts my life back into perspective. makes me realize that i have an enormous amount of blessings. and that i can choose to feel inadequate about the fact that i haven't done the dishes in 2 days or haven't cooked a meal in about 4 days, or i can focus on the sweet and funny things in life.

but just because i write about this stuff it doesn't mean my life is perfect.

i try to be realistic and also write about times when i'm frustrated and bummed, or my vacations aren't going very well, or i have had it up to there! with my kids, or i'm completely insecure.

i do think it's great to be honest and write about the hard times...but i also think that anyone who blogged about that stuff all of the time would probably not only depress anyone who was reading, but also eventually end up depressing themselves.

i think that we as women need to stop comparing ourselves to what is portrayed by others and instead realize that blogs are just that. they are what people want to portray about themselves and their life. it doesn't mean that life is actually all rainbows and bunnies and kids holding hands in the backseat. those are moments. and some choose to focus on those and that is awesome.

but my personal preference is to read blogs where people are realistic. they acknowledge that life can be tough and people go through hard things but that there are also beautiful way to look at hard situations.

i also love that through blogging we can find support. we can realize that we are not alone, that there are other people...sometimes strangers... who feel exactly the same way that we do. through others baring their souls about tragedy or trauma it causes me to pull out of myself and remember all that i have. to be a better mother, a better wife, a better person. to take better care of myself and of my life.

for me, this is a blog about my life. the good, the bad and the ugly. and hopefully the funny.

i turn these bad boys into books that i can look back at and remember the struggles as well as the joys. there are things that i feel are too personal to share to random strangers who happen upon this blog page so i am cautious about what i share here, and things that any family member...like my kids when they're grown...wouldn't be embarrassed to read, or have read about themselves.

so anyway.

um.

(this is the part where i just re-read what i've written and realize how random and all over the place this is but have no idea how to re-write it to be more coherent.)

in a nutshell:

let's be realistic! support each other! stop comparing ourselves! realize we all have problems! we all have blessings! you're great! i like you! let's be friends! forgive my ill-written tangent!

wow i'm a botard.

okay, that's all.

amen.