bitter. sweet.

today i made a couple of emergency phone calls.

today i said a couple of prayers.

today i cried a couple of times.

it's not what you think.

last night we made the decision to change things up with little leah.

change #1: soy formula.

change #2: new bottle, the expensive kind. (avent, in case you were wondering. this is our 4th kind of bottle we've tried with her.)

last night after her 1:30am bottle, she slept from 2am-7:30am. not only that, but after she drank the 7:30 bottle, she stayed awake for a while...without crying. for the first time in a long, long time. (well what feels like a long, long time) this had to be documented.

picture #1: 7 am

then.

after talking for a few minutes, she closed her eyes and went to sleep on her own. without me having to pick her up, rock her, wrap her, calm her. slept for 2 1/2 hours. that was when the emergency phone calls happened, i had to tell someone! i stared at her with bug eyes, coming into the room about every 10 minutes.

picture #2: 10am

then.

she woke back up, drank another bottle, stayed awake without crying, and went back to sleep on her own. for another 2 1/2 hours. she even opened her eyes for a second because of the flash of the camera, then close them again.

picture #3&4: noon

that was when the prayers started. prayers of thanks & gratitude, that even if this was just a fluke morning, i was so thankful that it happened!

then.

after being able to dedicate hours of playtime with caleb, he asked for the first time, if he could have a picture taken with his sister. she was still asleep, but i wasn't going to deny him this request.

picture #5: 3pm

then.

she woke up again, and smiled at me several times as i talked to her.
this was when the tears started.

because you cannot
taste the sweet without the bitter.
this is a lesson i have learned before and am learning again. i knew i would hold onto this moment just in case it didn't happen again for a while.

picture #6: 4pm
it's funny, i know. the red eye reduction flash makes her go bug-eyed. and a little cross-eyed.

she did get a little fussy around 4:30. but it was normal baby fussy, not her usual leah-ape-crazy-fussy. it lasted until about 7pm.

then. this.

picture #7: 8pm

i don't know if she's lactose intolerant, or if she just needed a higher-quality bottle.
or if God just answers prayers right when we need them answered.

whatever it is, i'm not changing a thing.

what a fantastic day.

exorcisms and stun guns

the morning started out relatively well. at about 10:00am, all you know what broke loose.

caleb has been on about 5 time outs, all being led one-handed to his time out corner by his mother toting a screaming 3 week old. he finally screamed--not cried--SCREAMED for about 20 minutes in his room with the door shut while i listened to him on the monitor to make sure he wasn't in any imminent danger.

meanwhile, his little sister has been unhappy non-stop. holding her seems to help, but she still cries like i've just pinched her wrinkly little bum anytime i set her down.

at about 11, i texted ben just to vent to someone. no reply. i knew there wouldn't be, he was in class. the cycle of time outs, screams, and attempts to calm down continued.

it is now almost 1:30pm. about 30 minutes ago, caleb finally settled down. i went in and told him i still loved him even though he yelled several times that he was running away, slammed doors and punched me as i was hauling him to the time out zone.

but all that aside, once he apologized i said he was still a good boy in my eyes and that i forgave him. we hugged, i wiped away his tears, listened to him vent about how i was mean to him, and said i would see him when he woke up from his nap where we would both try again.

and walked back over to his sister who i (heaven forbid) had set down on the bed. she was now a nice shade of red/purple due to her screams.

i pulled out my stun gun...also known as gripe water in a syringe...and slowly let her suck the 1/2 tsp down.

ahhhhhh....silence.

knowing i only had about 5 minutes before the gripe water wore off (is there anyone who would approve of me putting it in an IV drip to go straight into her veins?) so i pulled out a wash cloth, turned on the hot water, and washed my face.

in other words, me time. i might even throw caution to the wind and brush my teeth. really testing fate knowing that my stun gun is quickly wearing off.

and at just this moment, ben walks through the door.

about 2 hours too late, isn't he?

he's on the phone talking to his sister about when we are planning the baby blessing. he verifies with me that it will be in may.

from beneath my hot, wet washcloth that i have just set on top of my face i say,

"we don't need a blessing. we need an exorcism to chase the devil out of this baby. and while we're at it, throw caleb and i in the mix there. it seems to be contagious in our house."

is this something to invite friends and family for? to provide a nice luncheon afterward to celebrate? should i buy a new dress? take pictures of the before and after? not quite sure of the etiquette for exorcisms.

i am only half-joking.

the 2 week curse

it started yesterday.

i held my breath, hoping i was wrong.

i am not a hopeless romantic, thinking that there are perfect babies out there who never cry. babies cry. they cry when they're hungry, or need something they can't express in any other way.

but this is different. this is a cry of pain & discomfort. it causes her to wake up 15 minutes after being totally knocked out & in dreamland. wake up with an inconsolable scream and then continually go up in volume until she is held...just the right way.

at her 2 week appointment yesterday, she is back up to her birth weight which is awesome. i asked the doctor about her increase in fussiness and he says, "well if you're nursing you will want to go off of all dairy, chocolate and any caffeine."

and it starts.

i think back to almost 4 years ago, where the same inconsolable cry brought me to a diet of basically bread and apples. i couldn't eat any green vegetables, dairy, chocolate, spicy food, acidic food. where i lived my life strapped into a snugglie and paced the floors for hours at a time. great for shedding that pregnancy weight, but that's pretty much all it was great for.

but no amount of change in my diet stopped his screams. gas drops, the happiest baby on the block, babywise. nothing stopped the crying.

how is it that i'm told that what is natural, what i can offer these babies, is best...when i just feel like i am poisoning their little stomachs?

as i shopped the aisles tonight searching for the right formula i had a feeling of dread. i don't want to do this again. i don't want to become so sleep deprived and more importantly, peace deprived, that i resent this beautiful child.

i will start pumping tonight, giving the formula 2-3 days to tell us if that was the problem. if i was the problem. and truthfully, i hope that it is me. because that is a quick fix. i am willing to switch over to formula and fork over the cash if that is what will help her to feel better.

but if that isn't the problem, then heaven help me.

ben looked at me and said, "well, let's strap ourselves in for the ride."

and as i type this with my hormonally-charged tears in my eyes, i'm thinking to myself, "but what if i can't do this again?"