it started yesterday.
i held my breath, hoping i was wrong.
i am not a hopeless romantic, thinking that there are perfect babies out there who never cry. babies cry. they cry when they're hungry, or need something they can't express in any other way.
but this is different. this is a cry of pain & discomfort. it causes her to wake up 15 minutes after being totally knocked out & in dreamland. wake up with an inconsolable scream and then continually go up in volume until she is held...just the right way.
at her 2 week appointment yesterday, she is back up to her birth weight which is awesome. i asked the doctor about her increase in fussiness and he says, "well if you're nursing you will want to go off of all dairy, chocolate and any caffeine."
and it starts.
i think back to almost 4 years ago, where the same inconsolable cry brought me to a diet of basically bread and apples. i couldn't eat any green vegetables, dairy, chocolate, spicy food, acidic food. where i lived my life strapped into a snugglie and paced the floors for hours at a time. great for shedding that pregnancy weight, but that's pretty much all it was great for.
but no amount of change in my diet stopped his screams. gas drops, the happiest baby on the block, babywise. nothing stopped the crying.
how is it that i'm told that what is natural, what i can offer these babies, is best...when i just feel like i am poisoning their little stomachs?
as i shopped the aisles tonight searching for the right formula i had a feeling of dread. i don't want to do this again. i don't want to become so sleep deprived and more importantly, peace deprived, that i resent this beautiful child.
i will start pumping tonight, giving the formula 2-3 days to tell us if that was the problem. if i was the problem. and truthfully, i hope that it is me. because that is a quick fix. i am willing to switch over to formula and fork over the cash if that is what will help her to feel better.
but if that isn't the problem, then heaven help me.
ben looked at me and said, "well, let's strap ourselves in for the ride."
and as i type this with my hormonally-charged tears in my eyes, i'm thinking to myself, "but what if i can't do this again?"