Wednesday, July 14, 2010

on the fence.

i am about 99% sure that this posting will display to any readers out there just what a loon i am, and how much i don't have everything together.

i was thinking tonight about how much of a waffler i am. waffler, is that a word? well anyway, i waffle. go back and forth. change my mind. {type A people would describe this as flaky...which i would agree with wholeheartedly when i am in my type A kind of mood, however i seem to flit in and out of that pretty quickly too. so who am i to judge the flakes? i'm a flaky flake, which is probably the worst kind. if you are one, at least own it, right? jump in with both feet in the flaky ocean water. don't dip your toes in at the edge just to squeal and jump back out again.}

if you couldn't tell by now, tonight i'm going to be all over the place. and no, i'm not under the influence of anything. thank you for asking.

i think what started this waffley-ness of a thought pattern was coming home from something i have not had in a long time.

3 days completely responsibility free.

on my own.

well, not on my own technically, but without my two little people and one big person whom i am lovingly and willingly tied down to for the majority of my time.

i joined some friends in utah this last weekend in hopes of going to the lilith fair concert....only to find that those in charge of this said concert had to cancel just a week before it was taking place due to lack of ticket sales. {to which i will pause to add my two cents. did you really think that adding ke$ha & rihanna to the list of lilith fair veterans was the best idea? for the record, i am pretty leery of anyone who has to put a symbol in place of a letter to up their popularity. like that symbol is compensating for something, making up for-- yes, i am saying it--talent. oh, snap! ke$ha fans (or is it ke$ha f@ns?? oh my gosh i am funny.) get your asteriks and pound sign pitchforks up! she's not quite lilith speed, peeps. let's keep it real here.}

is anybody still with me? i'm a little off my rocker, but quite enjoying myself.

back to the subject, i was pretty bugged that the concert was canceled last-minute when i already had flight plans.

luckily my fabulous friend and her amazing concert-style-living knew that there was talent still to be seen with or without the lilith fair, and we went to the brandi carlile concert. holy smokes was it amazing! that woman has chops and talent oozing from her pores. {no symbol-in-place-of-letters in her name, is there? yeah.}

i love a good concert. outdoors, not in arizona heat, sitting on blankets. it was so much fun.

i spent 3 days eating when i wanted to eat, sleeping when i wanted to sleep, and being completely irresponsible. within limits, you know.


i came home yesterday and have been waffling ever since.

and i present to you, my compiled list so far of what i am flaky and on the fence about, in no particular order.

1) responsibility-free vacations.

pros: i stayed up until 2am, slept in until 10am. drove with the windows down and the music blasting. watched almost the entire season of "parenthood" on my laptop. took long showers, wore clothes without baby food smooshed on them. reconnected with lifelong friends, had meaningful conversations without 16 mos old/5 yr. old screeches in the background. finished an actual thought without interruptions. you get the idea.

cons: not only did i miss my kids and bearded husband like crazy, but i can't get back into the swing of life. the responsibilities are looming in front of me...unpack my suitcase, start up the laundry, scheduled dr's appointments, search for medical records, go back to the drawing board looking for a house to move into since we are now 6 weeks away from being homeless. {will get to that in a minute}

i realized today i was in full avoidance-mode. i took a nap, read to my kids, thought about all that i needed to do and didn't do any of it.

so was those 3 days off worth it?

well, i think so. let's just say ben shaved down his beard back to the scruff i adore in honor of my homecoming. that alone was worth it.

i just need to get my type-A game face on tomorrow and get crack-a-lackin' on the rest of it all.

2) moving.

pros: we are maxed out on space here in this 2 bedroom apartment that has served us well for the last couple of years. we've loved it, and have been comfortable and happy, but it's time to move on. the prospects of what could be are thrilling to me beyond measure. a neighborhood with other kids, a good school for caleb. less driving for ben. neighbors & friends for me who are under the age of 75? and space! we! need! space!

cons: finding the right combo of familyarea+price+notcrappyschooldistrict {hard to find here in AZ} + goodcommuteforben has been much trickier than i had imagined. apparently i spoke too soon when i announced to the facebook world that we were extremely excited to get a house we had fallen in love with. i guess putting down a big chunk of a deposit, being told by the management company that we had been approved, and signing a bunch of paperwork does not necessarily mean that you are in. how foolish we were to think all of that meant something....we won't make that mistake again.

so we're back to the drawing board in the search for what can get us through the next couple of years here. and i go back and forth about whether it is all worth it, or if i just need to suck it up and stay put.

3) therapy.

oh, i just realized that this might be the first time i've mentioned i'm seeing a therapist on my blog? {i remember why i thought i had already written about it....because of that big kahuna of a post that i am too flaky to post on here yet mentions it & i have read through that dang thing so many times i thought i had posted it. my B.}

so hi, my name is lynsey and i'm seeing a therapist.

go right ahead and judge, if you'd like. i am completely proud of this fact and feel no need to hide it. in fact, in my humble opinion i've always thought that everyone should see a therapist at one point or another. {and this was before i knew i was married to a future psychologist, and before i even thought about going to a therapist myself. so there!}

everybody, i don't care who you are....everybody has stuff. and i think we "deal with it" and "work through it" and "handle it" but to be honest, we don't always do the best job on our own. i guess my thinking is, what can it hurt?

for me, therapy has been therapeutic.

deep, huh? i know.

no really though, i love it. to have someone on the outside of my life, without preconceived notions and without the already-set opinions help me figure things out and develop more healthy habits? serve me up some of that with a side of garlic mashed potatoes. yes, please.

so why am i on the fence about therapy?


pros: i love that therapy causes me to be completely honest about who i am. to dig deep, figure out what i'm really about. who i really want to be, and how to help me get there quicker than i could by doing it on my own. i hate that there is such a stigma about going to therapy and i guess that's why i don't really care who knows about it. let's blow the lid off this puppy! it's bringing more balance to my personal life, married life, and role as a mother. i'm changing negative thought patterns and realizing my potential. that's right, watch out world! one day i'm going to be magnificent.

cons: because hot diggity dog, therapy....if it's done correctly and hard. it isn't just the layonmycouchandtellmeaboutyourchildhood stuff. it's looking at yourself from the inside out with a magnifying glass. talking it through, inspecting it all in detail and then deciding what to do with what has come up. change it, or accept and love it, or let it go.

so last week i changed from one-on-one therapy over to group therapy. with a bunch of other women that i can tell i'm going to like. BUT holy canoly, it's going to push me to my limits. you might be surprised to hear that i'm shy. yes! it's true! in a group of women that i don't know, i hold back, sit tight and try not to be noticed too much. if i have one person that is there with me it's a different story. i can let loose and be myself.

it's going to be hard for me to open up and admit my struggles and shortcomings and become vulnerable. but luckily, they will all be doing the same thing. and i think that's what will be so awesome about the group therapy setting, because we're fighting the feelings of inadequacy that "if they really knew me they wouldn't like me" and instead accepting each other for everything.

sound like fun to anyone else???

it is, actually. hard work like this is completely worth it.

4) staying up late.

pros: because just look at this completely non-coherent posting! do you think this type of rambling magic involving the written word can happen during the middle of the day when my brain is intact? to that i say nay.

cons: the repercussions of my crack-of-dawn-rising children. tomorrow is swim class again where i can't be in a tired funk. leah is a swim-toy monger and tries to steal all of the other kids' toys any chance she can get. i've got to bring a sharp mind and quick reflexes in order to avoid the multiple apologies i will have to serve to the parents of the victims she snags the floatie rings and squeaky animals from.

5) writing posts like these where i don't make much sense and am extremely overly-opinionated.

pros: sometimes it feels good to not hold back, you know?

cons: not only am i 99% sure that anyone making it through this is going to think i'm a loon, but i'm also 99% sure that i will have writer's remorse.

however, i'll be too busy unpacking my suitcase, searching for new homes, having an anxiety attack thinking about talking in front of a group of strangers, fending off leah's grabby swim toy hands and trying to sneak in a nap somewhere in the middle of it all to be able to take it back.

so with that being said,

lyn$ey out.

***also, this picture isn't mine. i tried to find it again in order to give the real photographer credit, but can't. so if anyone can figure it out, let me know!


Monika said...

Lynsey, I love your honesty and enjoy reading your posts. I wish you luck finding a perfect place for your wonderful family!

Andrea said...

Well I loved every bit of this post. I think that you should make it a policy to only post in wee hours of the morning...thats when your best work comes out