Wednesday, July 28, 2010

the moment i realized his bachelor's degree wasn't just a waste of time.

hi.

let me paint a picture for you.

you're driving along, in the middle of nowhere, arizona.

listening to some good tunes, enjoying the road trip with your husband and two kiddos. the A/C is blowing your hair in a fantastic supermodel head-shot kind of way. you've just enjoyed some chocolate and a swig from your water bottle. you lean your head back against your seat, close your eyes and are letting the lyrics of a familiar tune take you away...

when suddenly
from the backseat, your 5 year old says,

"mom! i need to go poop!"

your head snaps up from its resting place and whips around to survey the situation.

"well buddy," you say calmly and with a twinge of hope in your voice, "we'll get off at the next exit. you're going to need to hold it for a minute or two."

and you hear the unfortunate reply,

"but i caaaaan't!"

quickly losing the twinge of hope, you then attempt the firm, there-is-no-other-option-so-you'd-better-just-hold-it-voice {also at the same time trying to channel a motivational speaker},

"HEY. you can do this, buddy. tell your body to listen to you. you are in control. mind over matter. we'll get there as soon as we can. come on, give it a try."

and you watch as your son squeezes his eyes shut in concentration. only to see a second later those same eyes pop back open as his rear end starts to raise off of his chair.

"it's not WORKING! my body is telling me that it needs to go poop NOW."

you and your husband steal worried glances at each other and realize the situation is dire.

so,

you see a small clearing off of the shoulder of the road.

your husband veers off immediately, tires screeching, and stops the car.

"what are we going to do?" you whisper with urgency in your voice. "hold his arms while he squats?"

and you can tell with the look that your husband gives you that there is no way he will volunteer for this job and you are going to be stuck with it.

not pleasant.

however, just in the nick of time, you are saved.

see, up until this point in your almost-8 year marriage, you have wondered when your husband's BA degree in recreation was ever going to serve useful in your combined life together. granted, he can roll up a sleeping bag quicker and tighter than most. he can recognize a poison oak rash from a mile away. he knows how to fashion a tourniquet out of twigs and twine and could probably survive several days if he were thrown to a barren wasteland bear grylls-style, partaking on only grubs, cactus meat and some random snake venom.

however, this was the time that...to reiterate...the degree became useful. to you.

your wilderness-savvy husband jumps out of the car and begins scouring the desert ground. you jump out and run around to rescue the 5 year old who now has beads of sweat forming on his forehead and is arching his back in an awkward position and lifting the edges of his t-shirt up and out of the way as if to say, watch out! this baby's going to blow!

you glance back at your fearless leader, wondering what in the world he is thinking and why in the world he is wasting so much time thinking it, when he yells out,

"this'll work!"

and you see that he's holding up two 3 foot sticks.

you might say that you roll your eyes in disappointment at his obvious fail. you realize that you're going to have to muster up the courage to do the hold-and-squat for your son without letting him see you dry heave when you see your husband then walk around to the trunk of the car and pull out the potty seat you have had in the back since this little adventure.

and suddenly you get it!

he is going to save the day!

you see this knight in bearded armor go behind a bush and start to dig a hole with one stick, then lay each stick down on both sides of the hole, and place the potty seat on top of the sticks.

then he turns around and with a triumphant grin says,

"wha-lah!"

and you don't care that his beard is now so long that it's starting to develop some serious curl, or that it's a thousand degrees outside, or that there is major dust in your eyes from the oncoming traffic breezing past you, or that your son still hasn't relieved himself.

you just want to make out with this miracle of a man standing before you.

and you stare at him with such admiration in your eyes that you're ready to renew your vows right there on the spot,

when you're quickly brought back to reality.

"MOM! its coming OUT!"

and you run to the strader-made porta potty and help get the little fella into the "go" position.

then, because you are an awesome mom, you take a picture.



or two.




until you're informed that he "needs his privacy" even though there is clearly none to be had. so you walk away.


meanwhile, these hooligans



decide to make the most of their time out of the car



and walk to the few surviving flowers in this climate to take pictures.








you join them for a minute, when you are called to return to duty to help "wipe" {a job no one wants to do}

and because you have been made acutely aware of the silver-dollar-sized black beetles



that seem to like the flowers as much as your daughter, you gratefully skip over to your son to assist him.

once it's all over with,

you are rewarded with a flower for being the best mom in all the world




and you smile.





and then plant on the mouth of your bearded wonder who put his degree to use today,

a reward of his very own.



********

10 comments:

Rachel Chick said...

Ahahahahahaha!! So funny!! Thanks for sharing. We'll need to keep this in mind next time we're traveling! :)

S and RA Beazer said...

I always knew that bensy was talented. what beautiful pictures. YOu have the cutest little ones. and the not so little isn't bad either.

Clancypants said...

*clapping*

Great post, my friend. Great post.

And you took a PICTURE!! He's gonna kill you for that one some day. Not to mention this whole story posted right on your blog for all your friends and stranger-friends to see!

Love it!

Em and Russ said...

YAY FOR BEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a stud!!!! Ben's degree is always useful . . . to him, and that's it.

Aubrey and Jardan said...

AMAZING. I'm keeping a potty seat in my car from now on

K Harker said...

That is a GREAT story, LOVE IT! I read it out loud to C while he was working on some dentures for a patient, he was laughing pretty good so I sure hope those dentures work out :)

Favorite line ever:

"you realize that you're going to have to muster up the courage to do the hold-and-squat for your son without letting him see you dry heave..."

Brooke said...

Lyns - my sweet lady friend, how is it that I am so far away from you and still alive? I don't think I'll ever understand. Love love love you.

Monika said...

Funny! We travel with this: http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3135626. It's a lifesaver.

Kurt and Kristy said...

LOL! You seriously have the best blog posts ever!! What a genius idea! Thanks fir the laugh!

Wheat Family said...

You can make any topic entertaining.... And I didn't know a poop story could be entertaining! Way to go Ben, and lynsey I can't believe you took Calebs picture on the Strader- made porta potty!!! Classic!