this weekend caleb has been seen around the streets of utah and up gallivanting around swiss days in his superhero cape. he has insisted that we call him super caleb and because i love him so much, i've done it. i think he really believes that with this cape on, he can do anything and is braver and stronger than anyone.
and tomorrow super caleb will make another appearance as he goes to face his 5th MRI.
i'm not sure yet if it's easier because he's older and i can explain what's going to happen to him, or if it's more difficult because what i explain to him causes him to be more anxious. i don't give him all the details, but just enough to know what to expect.
however it doesn't help that i'm nervous about a couple of things.
1) he can't eat past 5 am, and the test isn't until 1pm. so i explained to him that he's going to be extremely hungry and asked if he wanted me to wake him up before 5 to eat. his reply?
"absolutely! i'd like a turkey sandwich, please!"
so i will be stumbling out of bed at 4:30 to see if he is really conscious enough to eat the requested turkey sandwich. but i know that tomorrow will be starting off difficult because of the non-eating factor.
2) the IV. i don't know what it is about IV's, but just thinking about them makes me sick to my stomach. when i have had to have them i can't watch, and it takes all the strength i have to muster up my inner chi to take my mind somewhere else. but this time, i have to be brave for caleb. i have to hold him and tell him it's going to be okay without throwing up on him or passing out. maybe i'll borrow his cape for IV time.
3) the sedation. caleb has been through multiple tests and a lot of them have been really hard to watch him have to go through. but nothing has brought me to tears like having him sedated in my arms. there is just something disturbing about it, having him be awake one second and then completely limp and lifeless the next.
i know there are worse things that he could be going through right now, but i also know that this is a hard thing to go through, and it's a-okay to state that.
i look at him and am so grateful for all that he continues to teach me.
so for tonight i'm going to be saying a lot of prayers and affirmations that not only will super caleb be strong enough to get through a difficult day tomorrow, but that i will be too.