shaking things up.

{easter sunday, 2011.  

a visit from my favorite brother ty & his wife kirsten.  

i just love these two.}

so these past few weeks have felt like nothing but "to do" lists, mixed with a little bit of fun.  mixed with the usual strader sickness.

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ahhhhhh, the irony.  literally as soon as i finished typing that sentence, i heard leah gagging in her monitor and ran up the stairs two-at-a-time {which is difficult in my blooming state.  i use "blooming" to make myself sound more pretty than i look.  like i'm a blossoming flower or something. ha!} and snatched her out of her crib to rush her quickly to barf in the toilet.  we made it, for the most part, luckily missing the carpet in her room but making sure to hit both rugs in the bathroom, her blankets, and covering both of our clothes.

i'm not sure about other kids, but both of mine seriously make things more difficult on themselves and me while throwing up.  it doesn't matter what i'm trying to do to help them, whether it's trying to get them to hold their head over the toilet, or a bowl, or a towel.  trying to calm them down, and hold them to make them feel better.  they arch their bodies and reject whatever help i'm offering, screaming in between gags and shoving my hands away, or specifically tonight, leah turning into me to try to get me to hold her to my chest as she continued.

i'm sorry, but unless we want to have both of us barfing at the same time, i could not have her facing me and aiming it for me.  then who was going to hold my hair back?  i joke, sort of.

i get that it's scary for them to throw up, i still get scared myself when i know that throwing up is coming & inevitable for me.  so i get it, but. 

but, ugh.  by the end of poor little leah's gagorific experience, we were both stressed out and smelling awful.  i put her in the bath and set to work cleaning it all up.  

she is now in bed, smelling again like my sweet baby girl, but still coughing.  i'm typing with the baby monitor next to me, pausing every time she coughs.....which is like every 5 seconds....to hear if it's a benign or concerning one.  where i need to risk my life to fly up the stairs again.

back to what i was writing before this.....

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we're trying to move.  and quickly.  due to the fact that all fingers....and petri dishes..... are pointing to a mold problem in this house.  it's fun thinking about this and then google searching, "pregnancy and mold exposure."  try to not be paranoid after that one.

so ben is in finals, leah & caleb are rotating respiratory and stomach illnesses every week, and i'm trying to stay healthy and keep going.  trying to find a house, trying to clean out what we already have, trying to set up mold exposure testing for all of us, trying to fight the owners of this house to do what is morally and ethically right.  not just for us, but for any future tenants here.  trying to get caleb's health issues manageable and ready for the future.  trying to get his paperwork done for first grade for different needs that he has.  among other stressful things that are completely un-related to any of these issues.  

it's not as devastating as i'm making it sound.  i'm not devastated anyway.  but it is reality.  it is busy and it is non-stop, without any reassurance right now that it will slow down sometime soon. 

there are blessings surrounding us.  so many good people in our lives, those who are willing to help and listen and love us.  i have a lot of support and i'm grateful for it.  i have been repeatedly reminded that God is aware of us, even though sometimes i can feel so insignificant and that my worries are so tiny.  but i am always reaffirmed that they are not, that i am not.

and also, after i got over that initial hump of feeling overwhelmed, i'm just trying to take things in stride.  instead of focusing on what i had hoped this time would be, and how it has turned out to be different....different doesn't always have to be bad, it's just different.  this is just our new reality, for now.

something inside of me has changed i think.  it took some hard experiences to make me realize that i am different, and in a good way.  i have been digging deep for a long time now, and it is starting to pay off in ways that i can actually see and feel, in ways that others are noticing and are tangible.  

i no longer take the burdens of others and carry them as mine.  that in itself is huge.  it doesn't mean i am callous, and unable to mourn with those who mourn.  there is a difference and i am finding the balance between them.  because that is something that is a good part of me that i don't want to change.  but for those experiences that try to make me take two steps backwards, i no longer let them.  and the feeling of peace that has come from doing things the right way for me, instead of out of guilt, well.  it felt so foreign at first and is now becoming a feeling that i am getting used to.

and letting myself feel things, instead of stuffing them down.  even if those feelings are sad, or angry, or upset, or overwhelmed.  i feel them, own them, work through them, and then the best part is....i get over them.  i let them go.

stuffing them down didn't make them go away, it actually made me feel them over and over and over again as they leaked out in other ways.  and i'd find myself crying over a commercial, or angry at the birds cheerfully chirping outside of my window.  so this is new stuff here.

i get that these things may not feel big to some, but they are huge to me.

i'm not finished by any means.  baby steps of progress.  but still, it's something.

i'm so grateful that ben is not just standing next to me during this time, but actually my biggest cheerleader.  supporting me in a way i never knew he could....only because the situation hadn't presented itself very often.  i don't even have to ask for it, which is also so nice.  he urges me forward, he tells me how proud he is of me, how he's grateful for this person i'm becoming.  and even though i don't need that to keep going down this path, it sure feels nice.  oh my goodness i just love him.

i know not much of this makes sense, and if i had more time & energy to go into my thoughts i would expound. 

and on that note of random blogging, leah is crying again.  so now, i'm going to go lay on the air mattress outside of her room, {which honestly is much easier than having to get up 10 times on nights like these} and try to sleep.

and hope that i can again carry her to the bathroom in time.