Tuesday, January 13, 2009

cocoa butter is crap.

while we are on the subject of embarrassing pregnant stories, last night took the cake. maybe sharing in my humiliation will help others to not feel alone??

or really, just to help me look like an idiot.

i always get extremely thirsty around 10 pm. i don't know why. but it's unfortunate timing because consuming any type of liquid at that time results in multiple trips to the bathroom before i can get to sleep and at least one time of being awoken by my full bladder around 4am.

so last night i drank a full bottle of water around the usual time and tried to empty things out before i hit the sack. but as i was brushing my teeth, i decided for some reason to inspect my belly at that moment. i started staring at the tiny, yet very noticeable purple marks in my lower abdomen that confirmed my fears.

stretch marks.

i know a lot of people get them and that there's really not much you can do. i didn't get them last time because caleb was so tiny. but why oh why does cocoa butter claim to help? i have lubed up my stomach morning and night but to no avail.

cocoa butter is crap.

as i stare at my belly in the mirror, lost in loathsome thoughts directed toward the marketers of cocoa butter, i unintentionally drool toothpaste all over myself.

and ben stares at me. and i realize what has happened. i start laughing so hard that i drool some more and almost snort toothpaste out of my notstrils. (seriously, how could he not be in love with me?)

of course, right then my bladder reminds me that i had consumed 8 oz. and it can barely hold 2, so i run to make an emergency trip to the bathroom before the nightmares of mrs. atwood's 1st grade class repeats itself.

no buttons up the back of my pj's thank heavens. us short-armed people are not built for such shenanigans.

luckily i made it and then cleaned up my toothpaste drool while ben laughed at me and climbed in bed.

see what crappy cocoa butter made me do?

and on another subject of crap...

please allow for a minute of venting about p90x.

it's not that the program isn't as intense as it says it is. i know first hand, after sitting on the couch watching ben do his ab work out while i ate cookies. it is some hard stuff. these people are not messing around.

but here is my issue. we buy the dang thing (i did get it for 50% off, but still, it's expensive) but then realize that not only do you have to buy the program but then you have to buy:

a weight set (like $300 for the one he needs...um, not going to happen when we still need to buy a carseat for the child about to enter the world)
a pull-up bar ($35)
a heart monitor ($100 for a decent one)
a membership on their snazzy look-at-us-lose-our-weight website ($2.99/wk)

i mean seriously!

he has been doing the program for a mere 2 days now and it has kicked his butt, but in a good way. though it's very time consuming & something that i am skeptical of because it seems like a lifestyle that is difficult to keep up.

but buyer beware, the 13 disc program is the least of your worries. how about having to get a second job to support all of the bells & whistles you have to buy after it?

crap #1= cocoa butter...
a lame attempt to put pregnant moms at ease
crap #2= p90x...
effective but expensive


Wheat Family said...

Bravo! That must have been a "this is why I married you" moment... toothpaste drool, classic :)

I personally don't like cocoa butter because I lathered it up all 1st trimester and the smell makes me sick!! So while I am reminded (thanks David) to use it I have to plug my nose and let it diffuse any scents into the air before I can breathe.

* Plus my dr. said "Stretch marks are hereditary and have nothing to do with creams"

**Oh and I hate toys that require more toys to actually use, good luck

The Salisbury's said...

You call 'em like you see 'em! I was laughing out loud reading this! Why do these things happen to us when we are pregnant and emotional? First comes the tears then laughter then some more tears! ha ha

Jules said...

my sis-in-law once told me that hemmoroid cream worked for stretch marks and so I asked my dr. about it while pregnant with Easton. He just laughed and said, you can try it and if it works we will both be millionaires. I didn't want to hassle with it, but tried the pregnancy creams....still got em.
they have faded, but are still there. :)

Mick and Tiff said...

That is funny because I also peed my pants in Ms. Atwoods 1st grade class. Maybe there is something about that room......

sorry about the stretch marks. They are a total bummer!

Francis and Fawn Becker said...

Not sure if you know this but stretch marks are the new black EVERYONE is wearing them. Very chic.

Trixy Lovelace said...

I feel your pain, I remember lubing my belly with strait oil and still having it itch and itch. You know what I get mad at? KEGALS! I'm sorry, you can Kegal your life away and still leak out pee when you sneeze after 2 kids!

Tui Family said...

Well...I feel a little better about the map of stretch marks on my tummy now! You still look great though...and thanks for sharing the embarrasing moments...they always brighten up my day. I'm still sad I wasn't at Longview in first grade though, I have to admit! =)

Kurt and Kristy said...

LOL!! Ok Kurt and I were laughing hysterically at this post! You always have very entertaining things to talk about! And I was once told that stretch marks appear from the inside not the oustide so there really is nothing you can do about it! Darn stretch marks!

AL said...

Lynard, I agree that coco butter is crap. Unfortunately it has more to do with your genetics and rate of weight gain. I only gained 22 lb w/ Isaac, yet my lower abdomen looks like a latitude map of the earth! Sorry, I feel your pain...this baby better be an 8 pounder!