Tuesday, January 6, 2009

i'm pregnant?

today was my 32 wk appointment. in non-week terminology, that equates to 8 months. when i went to schedule my next appointment, the secretary informed me that i have been moved up from monthly visits to twice a month. and my heart skipped a beat.

when talking about having a baby, i told my sister how quickly it seemed to be coming up and she said, "yep, when i get to this point in pregnancy, i feel like i'm on this rushing train and realize that it's not stopping." or she said something to that effect.

that is exactly how i feel.

which is something i should have maybe considered like 9 months ago, before i got pregnant. but when it happens you feel like you have so much time to prepare, to be ready. and then all of a sudden you're being moved up to bi-monthly doctor's visits and you just about have an anxiety attack right there in front of the appointment desk.

for 2009, my main goal is to really work on enjoying the moment. i feel like a lot of times i let anxiety get the best of me and i lose focus on the present and what is going on around me. the anxiety turns into negativity & dread and leaks out to show a really unattractive side of my personality. then when whatever caused the anxiety in the first place is over, i look back & realize it wasn't so bad, and my poor attitude pretty much ruined my good time.

not healthy. not to mention, not fun for those around me who happen to get caught in my little black rain cloud just by sitting next to me. i forget to remind them that when they sit down by me they need to come equipped with an umbrella.

so as i was driving home from the appointment today, i turned on the first song on my playlist, "these are the days" and pumped up the volume. and to verify that i am, in fact, pregnant, i let the hormones kick in & began to cry as i listened to the words.

"These are days you'll remember.
Never before and never since, I promise, will the whole world be warm as this.
And as you feel it, you'll know its true that you are blessed and lucky.
It's true that you are touched by something that will grow and bloom in you.

These are days you'll remember.
When may is rushing over you with desire to be part of the miracles you see in every hour.
You'll know it's true that you are blessed and lucky.
It's true that you are touched by something that will grow and bloom in you.

These are days.

These are the days you might fill with laughter until you break.
These days you might feel a shaft of light make its way across your face.
And when you do you'll know how it was meant to be.
See the signs and know their meaning.
Its true, you'll know how it was meant to be.
Hear the signs and know they're speaking to you, to you."

and as i listened, i felt that little person inside me move around and karate chop me in the ribs. most of the time i poke her lightly back, just to show her what's up & who's boss. but this time i just enjoyed the crazy feeling of having another human swim around inside my stomach. well uterus, technically. but who wants to put "uterus" on their blog?

we never know what will happen. this might be the last baby i have the blessing of being pregnant with. that's not my intention, but i am not the only one in charge here.

for 8 months i have focused on the anxiety of my situation. will the baby have health problems like caleb? will she be happy? will she be chunky? (i love the chunky babies!) will the labor be horrible?

and the anxiety has again stolen the moments where i could just be reveling in the miracle it is to have another product of ben & i grace this earth. so i decided this is where it will stop. i may be a few months late, but as they say, better late than never.

i pulled up to the apartment complex to see ben & caleb out in the sunshine kicking the soccer ball around. caleb ran up to show me his latest "present" for me, a flat rock he had picked out all by himself. we ate lunch on the grass, chased caleb around a little bit until he was laughing so hard he almost fell over, then came inside.

and the whole time i felt that little being inside me, already a part of our family. and instead of stressing about what's to come, i finally enjoyed the moment.


Rachel Chick said...

So sweet, Lynsey!

I'm so happy for you all! Life is so precious, yet it's so easy to allow Satan into our lives. Thanks for your perspective - I think it's the answer (at least in PART) to a happy life. Contentment. EnJOYment. Thanks for your sweet words!

garrettandbritt said...

Just what I needed to hear! Thanks for the reminder. You always know how to put it as well. Good luck the next few weeks. Hopefully it won't go to fast!!!

Jenny said...

Im glad that you are relizing this now, I was being rolled into my C-section when I relized that I had not enjoyed a single moment of being pregnant again, I was just to worried and scared to enjoy it. So good for you. Enjoy it

Joel and Carrie said...

Can I get an amen? :)

Lauren Horsley said...

Oh Lyns, that was beautiful.

Don't dwell much on that "runaway train" imagery I put in your head - it's all leading to a good place. A great place.

And believe me when I say she's gonna be chunky, honey - she's partially named after me, right? Remember your chubs? The one with the plump cheeks and gynormous *ahems* that Carrie admired so?

But she's gonna be gorgeous like her mama. And she's the luckiest baby in the world.

K Harker said...

I LOVED this post! It's always good to be reminded of living in the "here and now" instead of rushing through life. You put it so well. I can't believe you'll have this baby girl so soon I'm way excited to see her beautiful face!

Francis and Fawn Becker said...

Aww Caleb it so cute, Kali is still just prayin away for him every night at dinner. Why don't you guys come over this week....in fact call me when you read this.

Andrea said...

Beautiful post. I loved it. And I love you. Lynsey you are so awesome and I am so happy that I have you as my friend. Under the blanket I would like to say...

Tui Family said...

I totally know what you mean...when I get to 30 weeks I kinda start freaking out thinking I'm not really ready! You'll do great though and she will be a beautiful baby girl! I can't wait to see the pics. Thanks for the reminder that we need to slow down and enjoy...it's good to put things into perspective sometimes. =)

S and RA Beazer said...

We love the two/three and almost four of you. YOu are the best.