Sunday, January 11, 2009

choosing the wrong door

this morning i had to make a judgement call:

1) shave my legs

or

2) wear non-maternity nylons

since i was running a little late i opted for door #2. though i felt like a sausage squeezed into a little tube, things were going relatively fine. that is, until i was asked to say the prayer in the beginning of the last meeting. as i stood up to walk to the front of the crowd, i felt the nylons roll down my big belly & settle around my hips.

awkward. but not noticeable to the public.

then as i went to sit down, the nylons rolled down to just underneath my caboose. it was past the point where i could just walk out of the room looking semi-normal & slip into the restroom to readjust. what to do now?

the only thing i could do.

throughout the rest of the class i would shift around and let the ill-fitting hairy leg covers slide down a couple of inches until they were just above my knees.

finally i was down to the wire where class was almost over & i knew i was going to have to stand up & walk out of the class & my secret would be exposed to the world.

so during the closing prayer, i said a little prayer of my own. that everyone else in the room had their eyes closed. i quickly pulled my nylons the rest of the way off of my feet & stuffed them in my church bag.

i don't know if anyone noticed, they probably did. but at least they had the class to not say anything & let me continue pretending that i had gotten away with an embarrassing situation. like the time i wet my pants in the 1st grade. oh wait, that was in front of my entire class & all the little kids yelled "EWWWWW!" when they realized what had just transpired in front of them.

that dreadful day long ago i had also mistakenly chosen door #2. i had decided to wear a cute little jumper with buttons going up and down the back of it (who in their right mind would design that for a 6-yr old??) instead of another outfit with normal buttons in the front. i tried with all of my might to get those buttons undone before my bladder gave way but just couldn't do it.

so the moral of the story is, even if it takes more effort & you might be 5 minutes late, always always pick door #1. otherwise you may wind up in the same predicament. and have your 5th grade boyfriend call you lynsey peed-your-pants-in-the-1st-grade steadman as you break up. awesome. or have your husband call you lynsey nylons-fell-off-during-church strader. sweet.

18 comments:

Becky Slivka said...

Matt and I both laughed out loud! I think you are super brave for attempting non-maternity nylons, I hardly wear them when I"m not pregnant, and they are practically out of the question when I am. Thanks for the good laugh! Matt says he's sad he wasn't in that first grade class, he doesn't remember the incident.

Brooke said...

Holy Hilarious!! You're the champ. I'm sure no one noticed - no "Mormon" opens their eyes during a prayer - that would be - well, something to talk to the bishop about - ya know?

Angela said...

I think you're pretty brave to share your story. I don't think I would dare. So thanks for being super brave. By the way, does anyone know of a good brand of nylons? Mine always run. I think I've gone through a new pair nylons every week for the past who knows how many weeks. What's the secret?

Brandon and Emily said...

I love you Lynsey always-makes-me-laugh Strader! I think you are brave too...for wearing non maternity nylons and sharing that story.

Jules said...

thank you for the giggle! needed it!

Mike and Jenny said...

I would have opted for door number three. NEITHER! I guess being a swimmer has forever scarred me on shaving :) And don't worry, I like Matt don't remember the first grade incident :)

Lauren Horsley said...

I'm pretty sure you get a PASS in your last trimester - no shaving or nylons necessary! Everyone's looking at your cute preggo belly, not your hairy legs!

BTW, this PASS also applies to tying your shoes, matching your socks and clipping your toe nails. All things no woman with a nearly-fully grown baby inside her abdomen should be required to do.

The things we give up to get our little ones here!

Nicole said...

I cannot tell you how many times this has happened to me. Not with maternity nylons (I just spend that last trimester in the summer on the scary side) But I have to get plus-size tall nylons. Even from the fat girl stores, they're either tall enough but not large enough around, or they're big enough but can't stretch quite long enough to stay at my waist. I call it death's slippery slide.

Wheat Family said...

Oh you are hilarious! At first I thought your nylons were going to fall to your ankles while giving the prayer, but having to sneak them off somehow in class is even more challenging. GOOD JOB, and I am sure no one noticed because if they did, everyone would know they had their eyes open during a prayer!! haha You are brave, and I was also told that in the last trimester pregnant women are not expected to wear nylons anymore.

K Harker said...

You make me laugh, I'm glad you're willing to do that at your own expense. I had a similar incident when I was prego with E. I chose door #2 too, not a good idea and it was in 11th ward! But luckily I caught it in time and went to the bathroom and removed them and stuffed them in my purse. AAAND I peed my pants too in front of my whole class in Second grade, it too was humiliating! Wow we have so much in common :)
Ahhh too funny lyns!

Rachel H. said...

SO, SO FUNNY!! You are always full of good stories!~!

Brian & Chelsey said...

You seriously crack me up!!!

MARIE said...

HAHAHAHA! So funny!

Mick and Tiff said...

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! I have been laughing since I read this last night. I so wish I could have been in that sunday school class to witness that.... HA HA HA. I agree with Lauren, the things we do for our little kids to join this world.

The Thompsons said...

You just made me laugh out loud!!!!

Jenny said...

That is so funny, I used to wear a certain slip to church while I was prego, and I wore it once after because it fell right off as I was walking to class. Yes everyone saw, I just stepped out of it, scoped it up and kept walking. Oh the joys of motherhood.

Andrea said...

I love it!! I am cracking up...seriously you are the only other person I know who gets in zany situations like myself...like the use of the word zany...I've been waiting all day for a reason to use it and thank you Ms. Strader for giving me the opportunity...ask me to tell you the about the ripping off a dress in the dressing room story...classic!

kedwards said...

I just read this from your other post and wanted to let you know that I vividly remember that day and I didn't notice. Though I was more concerned about the amniotic fluid that I was leaking at the time, praying that I hadn't left a large puddle on the nice padded chair. :)