Friday, April 16, 2010

the need for space

yesterday i came into the front room to find caleb perched up on our couch, drawing his letters. i asked him why he was up there and he said that it was to get away from his stinky sister, who wouldn't leave him alone. the two have a love/hate relationship...mainly according to caleb. leah could follow him around all day long. caleb is more fair-weathered, where he will pick & choose when he wants her around and when he doesn't.

i can't say i blame him.

it is hard to have someone who is in constant need of your attention.

sometimes i crave company, and for the most part adore the company that my children are. to look at the world through their eyes. to watch caleb say i love my sister with my whole heart, (this same stinky sister he had referred to just hours earlier) and watch his beautiful eyes fill up with tears as he says this. to see the new things leah learns how to do every day and how proud she is of herself when we all erupt in clapping and cheers for her new tricks. to watch her dance. to hear them laugh.

and some times i crave company that is not my children. company with someone who challenges my mind without trying my patience. who makes me laugh from deep down in my gut, or think differently about situations and alter my perceptions about ideas. or to just be quiet with. and i get this with ben when he's home, but between finals and working and internships, he's not home a whole lot.

and then there are other times when i just want to climb up on some couch cushions, away from phone calls and children pulling on my pants or throwing books at me, asking me to get them more grapes
(which caleb is doing right this very minute) or wipe their rear end. away from figuring out new recipes and weaning pre-toddlers off of bottles.

or to get space from the pressures i put on myself to do better, dig deeper, try harder and not settle for mediocrity and just coasting through life. to have someone walk on the treadmill for me and fix healthy meals for me, figure out physical therapy locations for caleb, try to find a family-friendly place for us to live (yes we are trying to move) and do the research on going back to school (have i mentioned i'm trying to go back...while ben is in school too? am i crazy? it's possible) and clean the house and fold and actually put away the laundry for me. to spend quality time with my children and teach them not just to exist in this life, but to live happily and fully and contribute to the good part of humanity. to make sure that the connection with ben is there, as a couple in love and separate from this parenthood thing. and most importantly, work on my relationship with God.

the need for space? to get away from life for just a few moments?

yep, i get it. and i think it's okay.

so i let caleb stay up there for as long as he needed.

and after a while he climbed down, and chose to come back, and joined his little sister in playing. which quickly erupted into a necessary lesson about sharing.

and his mom?

well she took a small break too,

and wrote about life for a few minutes,

and then she also chose to come back,

and sat down on the floor with her two children,

and taught them about compassion and empathy and doing unto others as you would have them do unto you. (the deeper meaning of sharing, or at least that is her hope.)


Rachel Chick said...

i really really loved this post.

Michele said...

I could just copy and paste that because I feel the same way too. It was so nice to have Chris home today. I forgot what it felt like to spend time with him! Jacob had a T ball game and it was so nice to have some help carry everything and entertain the kids. I hope Ben will get a small break too. So you want to go back to school to get a degree in what? Good luck, I'm sure you can do it.

The Pyne's said...

let me just again (for the millionth time) that I swear you are the best mother out there!!!! not only do you take fantastic pictures of your children, you write incredibly well about them/other experiences, and are such a GREAT example to your children and teach them so much!!!! You inspire me!!! =)

ohmylanta said...

What do you want to do in school? So many women I know are going back to school right now. You are much much much much .... much braver than I!

Rachel Chick said...

So this is funny. I was just scrolling through your blog, showing Nels pictures of your adorable children. When I got to this post I told him a quick synopsis of what you'd written (cause I love that picture and why he's on the back of the couch). I ended with "So basically she said that sometimes she wished that she could climb up on the back of the couch, too. You know, to get away from the proverbial "stinky sister." Nels then said, "Who is called Ben." LOL! That's funny. I think Ben's nickname will no longer be BenDeco, but Stinky Sister. :)