blogging about blogging.

so i've been thinking about this one for a while now.

it might turn into a vent.

it might turn into a rambling tangent. (i know, i know. this one is more likely.)

it might be offensive.

it might make you agree, or not agree.

i'm just forewarning you that there may be danger ahead...i don't really know since i'm just going to start typing and see what happens.

so anyway, read with caution. or just ignore this. either way, you've been warned.



i have heard several friends at one time or another say to me that they were no longer going to read blogs because they become depressing. that everyone (generally speaking here) posts about how WONDERFUL! life is. and how FABULOUS! their marriage is. and how BEAUTIFUL! their children are. how CRAFTY! they are. what great and marvelous CHEFS! they've turned into.

and that it's depressing enough to these friends that they want to swear-off blogging for a while.

and then the comments. ohhhhhh, the comments. why in the world are some people basing whether or not they feel fulfilled for the day on how many comments they've received???

why do comments affect a person's self-esteem? why do we let others' blogs affect our self-esteem?

here is how i feel about it, and about blogging in general.

i started our blog in 2007 when we were at a group home full of troubled teenagers and i felt that aside from ben and our co-workers, i had no outlet. i lay awake at night disturbed by whatever had gone on that day, and was trying desperately to fight away anxiety-induced nightmares that one of the kids had hopped in bed between us while holding a knife to kill us.

pretty, no?

so i started writing. and the more i wrote, the more i could see the humor in a humor-less situation. and i felt better. i began sleeping better and getting through some days with the single thought that i could blog about the trauma of the day later to relieve some of the stress. so i kept it up.

and as blogs began to catch on like wildfire i was so excited! to be able to keep in touch with some of my family and friends who were across the country from me pretty much saved me from losing my sanity while finishing out the year. i could look at pictures of family vacations, of new homes and new babies and keep tabs on a world outside of the chaos i was living.

sad to say, but it became my social life. i didn't have the opportunity to go out with friends or to go on dates with my husband during that year. there were times when i felt like i was a total loser because of how much i looked forward to blogging, but the more i think about it....the more grateful i am that at least i had it to take my mind off of things and to be able to vent and have others read about a little of what we were going through.

when we moved to arizona it was hot, i was pregnant and i didn't know anyone. i again found my outlet through writing and keeping in touch with friends through blogging.

most of my posts were reminders of how good things really were, and brought me out of my loneliness and the heat and put my life back in perspective.

and that is what it does for me now. puts things in perspective.

is my life perfect?

absolutely not. whose is?

everybody, EVERYBODY has something.

but is it a good life?

absolutely.

do i have a perfect marriage?

no. we have our good days, our bad days, our days spent annoyed with each other.

but do i have a husband who loves me, is committed to our family and who treats me well? do we work hard at taking care of our marriage?

definitely.

am i the perfect mother?

(good grief, is there such a thing?)

NO. i'm not even close! i question my mothering skills all of the time. being quite honest, i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing! i take it one day at a time, just like the majority of moms i know. i do the best that i can. i read, i pray, i feel guilty, i second-guess myself.

am i a completely secure and happy individual?

ummmm. did you read this post?

no. i struggle with the same things that the majority of women struggle with. self-image issues, inadequacy, feeling like i don't do enough and i should be doing more.

but.

like i mentioned before, when i blog, it seems to help with these things. it puts my life back into perspective. makes me realize that i have an enormous amount of blessings. and that i can choose to feel inadequate about the fact that i haven't done the dishes in 2 days or haven't cooked a meal in about 4 days, or i can focus on the sweet and funny things in life.

but just because i write about this stuff it doesn't mean my life is perfect.

i try to be realistic and also write about times when i'm frustrated and bummed, or my vacations aren't going very well, or i have had it up to there! with my kids, or i'm completely insecure.

i do think it's great to be honest and write about the hard times...but i also think that anyone who blogged about that stuff all of the time would probably not only depress anyone who was reading, but also eventually end up depressing themselves.

i think that we as women need to stop comparing ourselves to what is portrayed by others and instead realize that blogs are just that. they are what people want to portray about themselves and their life. it doesn't mean that life is actually all rainbows and bunnies and kids holding hands in the backseat. those are moments. and some choose to focus on those and that is awesome.

but my personal preference is to read blogs where people are realistic. they acknowledge that life can be tough and people go through hard things but that there are also beautiful way to look at hard situations.

i also love that through blogging we can find support. we can realize that we are not alone, that there are other people...sometimes strangers... who feel exactly the same way that we do. through others baring their souls about tragedy or trauma it causes me to pull out of myself and remember all that i have. to be a better mother, a better wife, a better person. to take better care of myself and of my life.

for me, this is a blog about my life. the good, the bad and the ugly. and hopefully the funny.

i turn these bad boys into books that i can look back at and remember the struggles as well as the joys. there are things that i feel are too personal to share to random strangers who happen upon this blog page so i am cautious about what i share here, and things that any family member...like my kids when they're grown...wouldn't be embarrassed to read, or have read about themselves.

so anyway.

um.

(this is the part where i just re-read what i've written and realize how random and all over the place this is but have no idea how to re-write it to be more coherent.)

in a nutshell:

let's be realistic! support each other! stop comparing ourselves! realize we all have problems! we all have blessings! you're great! i like you! let's be friends! forgive my ill-written tangent!

wow i'm a botard.

okay, that's all.

amen.