Monday, October 13, 2008

holding on & letting go

this afternoon i helped ben study for mid-terms while caleb took a nap. when ben left, i knew i only had a few moments to myself before caleb woke up and the fun began. i had decided to peek in on him before i went to have some "me time." as i looked in on him sleeping soundly curled up with his little bear i couldn't resist to grab a pillow and lay down by him.

as i lay down, i disturbed him a little and he sat up in a drunk-sleep stupor and started mumbling nonsense. i asked him to lay back down and he curled up in my open arms and went right back to sleep. for about 15 minutes, i held my sleeping little boy.

it didn't matter that my neck was kinked, or my arm was falling asleep or that i was laying on a book. i just enjoyed being there with him, hearing his light snore and smelling his hair. i just held on.

from the day we become parents we do our best to hold on but soon come to a realization that we will eventually have no choice but to let go. every new milestone, every first step, every first word is one step closer to the last time we can hold on before we are forced to release our hold.

when caleb was a baby i was so anxious for him to grow up...usually the opposite of how most moms feel. after the first 10 days of his newborn sleep wore off the crying began. and seemed endless. our first year with him was extremely difficult but with each day that passed, he seemed to feel better, cry less and became more happy.

i was reminded by a friend's blog about the first day i truly felt happy as a mother. caleb was about 5 months old, he was happy and smiling. for the first time, i felt like i had done a good job and had helped put that smile on his face. i took a picture so i could remember:



since that day there have been many rewarding moments, days, weeks, months. right now as i'm writing this caleb is running around, dancing & kicking to music. he goes too fast, gets dizzy, falls down and laughs.

i want to hold on to this little 3 year old who loves to laugh, imagine, go places with me, wrestle with his dad, and carry around his bear. i know that this phase will end just like the music he is dancing to.

i know that letting go is important. for me, for him. to gain a tiny perspective of what our heavenly father went through with each of us. that doesn't make it any easier though. but somehow, knowing that letting go will come eventually, it helps me hold on to these moments longer and enjoy them more.

15 comments:

Francis and Fawn Becker said...

Your blog was so sweet, it is so sad to know that one day as a parent you will have to let go. And, please don't feel bad about yesterday! We were happy you guys came by and I am glad you were able to meet Fran (he is quite frankly, wonderful) and my family (who are awesome and crazy) We have those dinners like 2 or 3 times a week so you did not interrupt anything special :) BUT, what are you doing next Sunday?? We would love for you to join our family dinner and the kids can run around and play outside. I got your message today. Let's try to have a playdate on Thursday. How is that for you? 10 am?? And, thank you so much for the yummy brownies..how did you know that mint brownies are my weakness..I had to go to kick boxing today to work them off :) Oh and tell Ben that I got 2 new books for him!

Angela said...

Very well said. It's those moments that help us get through the rough times too!

Rachel Chick said...

You are so great, Lyns! What darling little boy!!! I absolutely LOVE that picture you have at the top! Thanks for the sweet reminder. I'm so excited to meet your new little lady. You're a good mother and a good woman -- a good friend. Tell Ben good luck from the Chicks with midterms. How is school going, by the way?

Brooke said...

You made me cry. I gained some perspective - that's always good after a day with my own crazy three year old. I would do anything for her - and yet she could possibly get me committed at times. Mothering - no one could have ever prepared us for it.

Toby and Tammy said...

Thanks for the insight. I've been having some very rough nights with Dallas not wanting to sleep. He went from sleeping 10 hours to getting up almost every half hour! It was a nice reminder to take in those good moments and really cherish them. I need to work on that!!! Babies don't keep!

The Hunter's said...

you are right and i forget it all the time. thanks for reminding me. your 5 month pictures are super cute and so is caleb! congrats on a girl. they are lots of fun!!!

Mike and Jenny said...

Well said Lynsey. Kids are such a joy and so hard at the same time. What would we do without them!!!

Rachel H. said...

Great thoughts and perspective...thanks for that wonderful reminder to take time NOW. :)

Garry and Mindy said...

It is so good to see the progress Caleb has made! He is so cute! You guys went through so much with him. We may have to deal with a dumb oxygen tank and a little fussinss, but we didn't go through the very scary things you did! It is amazing to see how much better they can feel as they grow bigger and how the lord only gives us the trials that we can handle. You are such a cute pregnant lady -although I was about three times that size at 5 months! :)

Tui Family said...

Ok...I was pretty close to tears on that one! I'M NOT READY TO LET GO!!!! That will be SO hard for me! Thanks for putting it a little into perspective though. It's nice to remember to stop and enjoy being a mother more than worrying about how perfectly clean my house is! lol =)

Brady said...

You made me cry Lins, way to go! ~erika~

Brady said...

You made me cry Lins, way to go! ~erika~

Francis and Fawn Becker said...

10 or 10:30 is good for me on Thursday. It is funny that you think Caleb was having a tantrum...Kali does that at least 5 times a day....she is soooo emotional! So we really thought nothing of it :) Just the norm around here.
See you Thurs!

campblondie said...

so true my friend, so true.
p.s. you look great!

Debbie said...

Hey Lindsey - I caught up on your blog and you still make me laugh out loud! Thank you!

Believe me there will be a point when you will be willing to kick your son out the door! My "little boy" is almost 17 and failing math and arguing about ...well - everything! I remember cuddling him after naps and thinking he would break my heart when he grew up and left me. Now I could make a count down chain somedays! Just kidding. You will cherish these sweet memories on the days you want to kill him and do the work for the dead!

I'm sure the teenage stage is specifically so that we don't die of a broken heart when they finally leave.

Your pregnancy pictures are adorable. I'm excited for you to enjoy a baby girl.