Thursday, March 26, 2009

baring it all

this posting is going to be painfully honest. and probably long. but whatever, here it goes:

did anyone else watch on E! when they had a show making fun of stars who went out on the streets without make-up on?

at first i was appalled at the comments made by the sarcastic spectators. those haters. they just wish they could look like the stars. but as i got into the show, after time i turned into one of them. my thoughts changed from,

hey! leave her alone! she doesn't look that bad.


what was she thinking? i mean, if i were her, i would just know that i was being followed everywhere by paparazzi and should look perfect all the time. they're right, she needs at least some cover-up and some lip gloss. it's her own fault for being made fun of. she should know better. she looks like poop.

i looked at myself in the mirror today. i was getting ready to take caleb & leah out on a walk once caleb woke up from his nap. i hadn't showered yet and was hoping to exercise this evening. so, i wash my face, put lotion on, pull my hair up.

then stop.

should i put make-up on?

no, that's ridiculous. i'm just going outside around our complex. i'm in semi-workout clothes, my hair is pulled up. who cares what my face looks like? i turn to leave the bathroom.

stop again.

well, maybe just some under-eye cover up. it doesn't help that i hardly slept last night (leah did not continue her 10pm-5am habit from the night before. boo hoo.)

and how about just some light powder? a couple of new pimples popped up. due to lack of sleep, no doubt.

i sigh and think about it for a minute. so what if i have pimples? dark circles? who am i trying to impress? our neighbors who couldn't care less about me? the maintenance men who are out cutting the grass?

or is it myself?

i try to talk myself into just going bare faced and owning up to it...whatever that means. when we lived in spanish fork i used to go out on walks every day without make-up on and didn't give it a second thought. so what's stopping me now?

i guess it doesn't help much that caleb cares when i'm not wearing make-up. my 3-year old. i am serious here. for the past year, whenever i wouldn't wear make-up around him, he would run away crying. he wouldn't let me hug him or kiss him, and when i would ask why, he would say to me,

"because momma. you're not soft."

that's his description of me with make-up on. soft. isn't that funny? not pretty, or cute or any normal description. but soft.

i told ben about it and when he witnessed caleb running away covering his eyes yelling that i wasn't "soft," his explanation for it was that he felt it was because i was feeling self-conscious around caleb when i wasn't wearing make-up and that he could sense it.

absolutely not true. and i'm not being defensive here, i would admit it if that were true.

but at the time it started, this was coming from a 2 year old who poops in his pants! i loved him in spite of that, i figured it went with the territory that he loved me in spite of the fact that i occasionally get pimples and possibly look like a boy without mascara on. unconditional love, isn't that what it's called?

but if he's scared of me when i look like this, what would the general public think?

so bringing it back to the E! stars show.

you know what i started thinking as i stared in the mirror? those stars did know that they were being followed. they had to. for crying out loud, when your name is sarah jessica parker, and you're taking your kid to the park, you know you're going to have your picture taken.

but she owned it anyway. walked out of her ritzy home with her un-glossy lips and un-covered eye bags and pushed her son in a swing. (or whatever she did)

and probably knew when those paparazzi snapped away. and probably also knew that there was a strong possibility she would be made fun of in a few weeks when those pictures showed up in some dumb magazine (the stars! they're just like us! they look like poop and push their sons in swings!) or on some dumb show.

and yet i couldn't do it.

i'm not famous, will never have to worry about being followed around by photographers. but couldn't do it.

how sad am i.

as i dotted on under eye concealer and puffed on some powder i realized that my thought process about myself really is out of whack...

and then the baby started crying.

another sigh. this is an issue i will have to tackle another day. but it will be tackled. mark my words.

and there you go. vulnerability on a blog. yet out in public, face to face? a different story.


Lauren Horsley said...

What you left out was "Everytime I think about going out of the house bare-cheeked I think of my sister and that fab photo I have of her right after she gave birth to Jude and I say to myself "Hellz No!" and I grab my make-up bag".

Garry and Mindy said...

I always wore makeup, no matter what! That is until I got put on bedrest last year. I told myself I was still going to put makeup on everyday because it will make me feel better about myself. But I found myself going a day or two without and then days without. And now for the lat 8 months there have been occasional days when I don't put makeup on. Most of those days are because I simply forget! Crazy, I know. I would've never believed that I could forget, but when I'm getting three kids ready to go someplace I pass by a mirror and say,"I look tired." Then a few hours later I look in the mirror and say,"oh, it's because I have no makeup on."

Jake, Jill & Jenna said...

I love this post. I thought the same thing about Kelly Clarkson and her performance on American Idol. At first I was like, "Oh, Kelly. You are not at your best tonight." She had a harsh look about her and had gained some weight. But then I started thinking that hey! even superstars have issues. And she stilled got up there and rocked that stage! Who cares what she looks like, I love her music. I hope to get to the point where people say that about me. Who cares what she looks like? She rocks! But until then.... I always wear make-up in public. People would go blind if I didn't.

Francis and Fawn Becker said...

this is so funny :) I wear make up about 10% of the time, only for church, going to dinner (which is soooo rare) taking the kids to the museum or zoo and if we have a party or friends over. The rest of the time I am make up free so that way people get use to me without it and then when they see me with it on they think I am looking real good :) I don't like make-up especially in the summer. so then I just wear mascara.

Randrea said...

I love reading your blog...I've probably already told you that before, but it's true!

ohmylanta said...


Personally, I blame brunnette's. Seriously - why do they get to be smarter AND have some natural beauty?
It drives me crazy the way they can pop out of a lake after 3 days of camping and you can still find their eyes. My new fettish is dying my eyebrows. Yeah Yeah - that way when I pop out of a pool, at least my eyebrows are still visible.
I am all for putting a face on before leaving the house. I rarely get caught without it - even in the delivery room..... Unfortunately that does have it's drawbacks. When someone does catch me in my haggish state - they are so shocked at how bad I look that they can't help but run around blabbing about it to neighbors and ward members.

That's right Ya'll - I CAN HAG IT UP WITH THE BEST OF EM! (which only strengthens my resolve.....)